Pause-n’-Toss, Kirsten Dunst, and Dustin’s Wet Dreams

Pause-n’-Toss, Kirsten Dunst, and Dustin’s Wet Dreams

It is a special day in every man’s life (no not the start of puberty). Although puberty, as well as night emissions, should both come to an end, especially night emissions. Not because I still have them of course (Dome shut your mouth). So what if I wake up stuck to my sheets from time to time in a dried up salt lick? That is my business people. Actually, the special day I am referring to is the late night movie in which, we discover our first crush. The actress does not matter much, but the rise in our pants makes our hearts flutter. Ladies, I know what you are thinking, and yes, this is as emotionally invested as a man gets. I blame Hollywood in fact for taking our innocence away. For putting nothing but gorgeous in our faces, and then day in and day out we are tossed the mundane scraps on the streets. How are we to respond? Can you blame me for pitching, not a tent, but a mini-community down below that sleeps 6 comfortably? Think about it all of you! I may be a monster, but I am simply the Frankenstein this world engineered.

As most of our readers know by now, I am somewhat of a late bloomer. Thanks to Dome for reiterating that each and every article. However, even I have managed to put together a celebrity crush. My crush on the other hand was, in fact, so much more then the occasional pause-n’-toss. For those of you not aware of the pause-n’-toss, it is the special connection a man has between a film that he pleases himself to with the aid of the rewind and pause button on the remote control. Thanks be to the dvd inventor who saved all of us men from near seizures at the hands of the cruel and shaky paused VHS screens. I do not want to reveal all of our secrets, but ladies I implore you check your men if they own the following films in which women are nude (hint-check their socks).

From Mr. Skin’s top 20 nude scenes for 2007:

http://www.mrskin.com/Articles/206.htm

1.Marissa Tomei - Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
2.Keeley Hazell - Cashback
3.Natalie Portman - Hotel Chevalier
4.Christina Ricci - Black Snake Moan
5.Sienna Miller - Factory Girl
6.Roselyn Sanchez - Yellow
7.Malin Ackerman - The Heartbreak Kid
8.Eva Mendes - We Own the Night
9.Lena Headey - 300
10.Stormy Daniels and Nautica Thorne - Knocked Up
11.Alexa Davalos - Feast of Love
12.Chelan Simmons - Good Luck Chuck
13.Wei Tang - Lust, Caution
14.Ashley Judd - Bug
15.Olivia Wilder - Alpha Dog
16.Ana Claudia Talancon - Alone With Her
17.Danielle Harris - Halloween
18.Heather Matarazzo - Hostel: Part II
19.Amber Valetta - The Last Time
20.Lucy Liu - Blood Hunter

These movies, although seeming innocent, are the top 20 pause-n’-toss movies of 2007. Sadly missing from that collection, and I feel I should give honorable mention to, is the following: Virgin Suicides, Spider Man 1-3, Wimbledon, ElizabethTown, and Marie Antoinette. All solid movies, and screw you all for judging me! So what if they are all of the same actress? Get off you high-horses fans and relax. Anyway, back to the story of my crush, which was one for the ages. My crush was not even a crush at all, but more of an obsession. My reality and fantasy became one as my eyes could not see clearly. Mostly my poor vision was due to all the spatter residue from my intense research. I know what you all originally thought, and no, my crush is not Patrick Dempsey. Though we will address that down the road so stay tuned. My crush was born April 30, 1982 (coincidence? I think not). Hailing from Point Pleasant, New Jersey, I introduce you to the women who has always and will always have my heart; Miss Kirsten Dunst.

More to come very soon about my sweet Kirsten, our beginnings, her betrayal, and my soon to be arch-nemesis JG!

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Tags: crush, Dustin, kirsten dunst, pause-n'-toss