Lights! Camera! Action! I am ready for my close up. That’s right TWWS, the people’s red head has entered.
Today we are going to give praise to a valuable member of our society. These individuals practice hard day in and day out. Unfortunately, they never get put into the big game. In fact, they spend all season waiting for someone to go down with an injury. I often recall being in the huddle and asking this person for water (sorry, I get thirsty people). They are the sloppy-seconds of society. They are the man behind the man. They are and always will be, second place.
By now, I am hoping that you understand I am trying to give praise to the rebound. Oh! How I adore the rebound. I am sometimes too infatuated with the rebound I must admit. I for one, do not think the rebound gets enough credit, and I am here to change that. Rebounds, you know who you are (wink), like peanuts on an airplane: single serving, refreshing for a short period of time, and most importantly, you give us the fuel to continue on to our destination paradise.
Relationships are a roller coaster of emotion. The highs and lows can leave us unbalanced. One must find their chi and recenter the soul (got deep on you there, and will do it again if you let me). When relationships end, so too can one’s swagger. A person can hit a slump and find his/herself scrapping the bottom of the 10 scale. We feel ashamed for a short bit, but also must realize the essentialness of this cleansing process.
Not only does it happen to you readers, but your fellow day-walker has experienced this phenomenon as well. I bear my shame to all of you. I am sometimes a 9.9 who finds himself recharging the old battery with a 5! I know, say it ain’t so Dustin. How could it be? 5’s would never chat with you, they would be too scared. People would be circling her out like one of those spot the difference exercises they always have in magazines. I understand all of these concerns. After something long-term ends, perhaps a dry spell ensues, and I make myself comfortable with a nice 5. Number one, they do whatever you want. Number 2, they do whatever you want! Sometimes a nice 5 can just feel like home to me. Unfortunately after getting ridiculed by your mates every second of every bloody day (thanks assholes), one must cut the rebound loose.
With my confidence back up and readiness to rejoin my proper league of 9’s, cutting the rebound loose can prove to be a daunting task as it is almost impossible to avoid treading too closely to a 5. They seem to have some orbit about them that sucks you in. In fact, aside from tying your shoes, it may just be the most difficult thing you have ever done. So what if I am still sporting Velcro kicks, they are coming back bitches! Getting rid of the rebound can be as scary as waking up with a red shanker below the belt after intaking too many spirits with a one night stand. It must be done though, we all know that person that wasn’t able to shake his/her rebound and is now married with children and hates the soul of that other person with ever fiber. Like a vampire, you can watch as years pass and the rebound slowly sucks them dry to the point that soon they both become indistinguishable.
So the rebound had a glimpse of the good life. All her friends envious that she landed some eye-candy. She cannot have it end, going back to her own realm would eliminate her grand master sorcery status on WOW edition 17! For those that understand the previous line, end life now, it is time.
Rebounds why is you hang in there for so long? Even Maverick loses Goose and manages to move on. Great Balls of Fire! How much abuse can you take? I want to help rebounds all over the world today. Rebounds below you will find signs that the relationship may be ending:
- Gets drunk and is super crude
- Repeatedly tell you he is not guy for you
- Speaks to ex more then you and when you are around
- Talks about moving, frequently, with you never mentioned in plans
- Does not attend your B-day weekend
- Come over early to guy covered in glitter
- Never commits to plans with you (waiting for something better)
- Black hair found in bed and you are a blond
- Woman’s bracelets found and not yours
That list may or may not have happened. It does not matter really. However, all the signs are there. On a side note people, wash your sheets the day after (write that down people)!
What does everyone think? Have you been in a similar position? I am not perfect people, only a 9.9! Feel free to fill that .1 in for me. Anything I can add to list? Look forward to your comments, and I leave you with a final thought.
Ode to the Rebound
A Verga/Johnson Production
At best a 5, so full of life
Looking to be just anyone’s wife
Trolloping in a class outside your own
Return to average dear, for that is your home
Never cheated on, surely you jest
Blacklight to my sheets, them things were a mess
Casually dating you say, nothing but a lie
Thinking long term, can see in your eye
Knees buckle as you fall to the ground
and realize for once
you were just the rebound
Put in the game, hope it was fun
Turn out the lights, this red head is done
This article of TWWS is not to be used without the outside expressed written consent of Verga/Johnson Inc. Stay straight world!
Dustin,
You crack me up. I think we have all had that occasional rebound lapse in judgement and have settled for someone below our own stature. That is to be expected. I mean, we were rejected for pete’s sake. Now we have to do it to someone else to make ourselves feel better. Isn’t that just the way of the world? How can we call ourselves human if we don’t have that occasional Coyote Ugly experience and sometimes let it go on longer than it should, just to punish ourselves. We messed up by letting a good thing pass by and now we must suffer for it. Some as you say, marry this sub-standard specimen and forever regret it but other victims of this vicious rebound will wise up and get back to their proper high ranking “datable” range of people. Does it make us bad people for using that poor innocent 5? Maybe, but didn’t we make them feel better about themselves by even giving them the opportunity to be with the best there is? Now I think we should be proud of that.
All I can say is WOW, way to put the things I tell you in private way out there for all 7 people who are on this site to see! I cannot believe this has happened, ha ha ha what am I saying that is not what I am thinking! Well my friend I have to say that this was a very informational article. Your dad here has known about the possibility of being trapped by the rebound, have seen it happen to the highest level of playa’s. Hint for those who have gotton out of a long term and are thinking of a rebound Men: do not bang a 5 for a rebound not only are they a 5 on the scale with is bad they also can turn out to be a 5 on the clinger scale which if you did not know is the highest ranking clinger on the planet. You wanna help your esteem go drive around and honk and say” hey sweet thang” to fat chicks that are sitting at the bus stop, that always helps me(results may vary) Now for the ladies this can be devistating to your rank. Let’s say your a 9 and you get out of a long term if you slum into the 5’s you drop to a 7 automatically, now do not get mad I do not make the rules but with this stupid double standard we have in our society it is very unfair to you. Now say Dustin is a 9 he has hooked up with a rebound thats a 5, now because he is a man (double standard) he will drop to the level he just banged. So now he is a 5, he can make up his rank in 1 night as to where ladies you must remain celibate for 6 months to get your level back to near what it was. Now all Dustin has to do is either 1 bang a chick that was higher than his highest rank on the scale, or 2 Bang out 2 chicks in 1 night that are equal to or higher than his previous rank ie. Dustin bangs a 3+7=10 or 5+5=10, you may notice this is like 2nd grade math and yes it is because men are not too bright. I am not a fan of the double standard but some men have cased in on it so watch out ladies. If you were a 9 and tehn have dropped do not get stuck in teh lower levels work your way back up to where you deserve to be. In closing their is really no need to slum in any instance, not saying I am perfect but I am a 7 so if I hit a 5 I do not drop as per the rules of the scale. All I am sayin is work the system to your advantage, ladies if you see a guy with potential do not be afraid to get with him he maybe the 1 but do not do it for rebound purposes, as for the guys slum all you want you can always blame alchol or your friends saying it was a bet! If this is my last rant tell my mom I loved her. And… stay classy Arizona!
Wow! Congratulations Oden fan! That post was so insightful that I must respond. I am loving what you are working with. I find my self pulling up my pants to finish responding to your great insight!
Your mathematic breakdown makes me think you are perhaps a scholar of Julliard or some other school that is known for intelligence. No matter what you are majestic meaning David Copperfield like. I am not sure there is any logic behind that crazy formula but I am all for it.
Also the name, the Blazers are going to the second round this year and are a force to be reckoned with! There day has come. I hope my retort has given you some mahogony down below, because you deserve it. It’s loyalty like yours that makes me believe that red heads shall rise and be whole again.
I dream that you see us and do not run away. I dream you see my people and embrace rather than submitting new nicknames to urbandictionary poking fun. These are just some of my dry dreams!
Also want to thank Jean for her post…..
Countdown until I am out
3
2
Bwoop
Pre-mature and I swear that has never happened before! JOHNSON IN
As I read your article, was I laughing outloud? Unfortunately, we’ve all had that rebound. Surely they must know that they are a rebound by all the telltale signs. Then again, maybe they are delusional and feel that you are the best thing since sliced bread. You, my friend, have mastered the art of describing the rebound in it’s entirety. My question to you Dustin Johnson is this…the black hair that was found in bed… Hmmmm…a ten perhaps? Haha. You did state that you have a tendency to merely accept a 5 as a rebound as it is only a temporary fix to enable you to move on with the dating scene…I am hoping once one realizes it’s only a rebound - you certainly went back to your league. Figuratively speaking, of course. I know we’ve all had that rebound that we wish that we could erase from our minds, although sometimes it isn’t that easy. I mean, the rebound could just show up at your door… Note to others…don’t invite the rebound to your place otherwise you may have to MOVE FAR AWAY and CHANGE PHONE NUMBER. Well at least their confidence was thrown a boost for a short period of time.