Dear Dome, aka my heart and soul, my wings, my penis……
I am writing you during my darkest hour. Tomorrow is my surgery and I am not sure if I will in fact make it. I admit my fear in going under the knife. I have started to look back on life, on everything. I remember the good and the bad! I remember the first time we got drunk and you ducked my sick. What a long way we have come. The website is blossoming and I have been accused of being a father. Usually, I love being called daddy by you, I mean people. In this whirlwind of affairs, I have decided to write out my wishes and desires to be carried out in the event of my demise. I have also below left you some of my belongings to console you in those long hard pulsing nights after my passing.
Requests
1. Take care of my precious cat (do not make fun, so manly to own cat).
2. Use my prized slugger to end the Johnson line with me with quick and furious belly shots to all those I may have seeded.
3. Stop sleeping with my mother, I know it is you. I can smell the age on your breath. My mother is a fine wine and not for the likes of you.
4. Eat the world’s largest meatball sub for me. Mmmmm, so delicious.
5. Prove to the world for once we were not gay.
6. Sue our employer for something and make it rich.
7. Choke Lee until he admits Robert Horry is rubbish.
8. Expose 1st roommate’s imaginary internet relationship.
9. Tell the family I love them.
10. Get a hair transplant.
11. Call Charlie Day and Kirsten Dunst, tell them I am gone.
12. Find a cool article of clothing like a duster or slicker and put in my casket upon my rotting corpse.
13. Hire the cast of Always Sunny to sing at my eulogy.
14. Join every major religion and pray for my wicked soul in each, just in case.
15. Give me the shocker one last time, collect my children, and freeze them for my Dunst.
I, Dustin R. Johnson, of sound mind and red package, leave the following list of my worldly possessions to one Domenick Verga.
DVerg, I want you to have the following:
1. My beautiful, black furry pussy (again don’t laugh, real men own cats).
2. 2nd roommate should be your butler, until he has worked off his debt to me.
3. My happy sock - Wash if you wish, or not.
4. Little Alan - He is awesome. Make that backpack we always dreamed of and carry him around in it.
5. My mother - I want her to be happy, and of course, because you are my dad.
6. My new 1,000 thread count sheets freshly sprinkled – I know you are jealous and always rolling around in them.
7. All the vodka in my cabinet.
8. My spitter – In honor of me.
9. My clothes – Since style is not your strong point.
10. My hair pomade, not gel pomade - I am a dapper dan man damn it!
11. The sole rights to TWWS.
12. My Charlie Chaplin Collection – priceless.
13. My body - Defile it as you see fit in the name of humor, science, or sexual oddities.
14. Rights to my imaginary seedling, who shall be named Charlsten Danst Johnson.
15. Everything else your little heart desires.
So that is all I can think of my dearest man crush. The thought of returning to you and the website keep me strong. If there is anything else of mine, take it, with exception of my sister! She is still so young! I love everyone’s face off and hope my fire burns well beyond tomorrow. In the event my crotchal region gets extinguished, The People’s Redhead loves all your asses off! JOHNSON IN?
Tags: belongings, Dustin, surgery, will
