Ok, sorry this one has taken me so long to get up…Life sometimes has to come before the Housewives…I can’t believe I just said that!
Now, let’s talk about Episode 8, the Spa Day episode.
It all started harmless enough. One friend helping another. In this case it was Lisa helping Adrienne.
The staging all seemed a bit bizarre, but apparently Adrienne wants to learn to cook. Not sure why. I mean, when you have Chef Bernie around all the time seemingly very willing to whip up a souffle at any given moment, it doesn’t seem necessary to learn to roast a chicken. BUT, it appears as if Adrienne wants to get domestic and give it a go. She called the obvious choice, Lisa, who lives 20 steps away and owns restaurants, very convenient!
I did happen to notice that Lisa was dressed up for the event. If my friend invited me over to cook some chicken I’m thinking yoga pants and a t-shirt are the appropriate dress, but I am clearly mistaken.
Lisa explained to Adrienne she needed to clean the chicken, so Adrienne broke out the SoftSoap and gave it a sudsy bath. This didn’t surprise me as much as it surprised Lisa..I mean, Adrienne was so lost in her own kitchen she didn’t even know where the salt and pepper were. Luckily Bernie was only 2 steps away, quietly judging Lisa’s instruction. He looked like he was sucking on a sour pickle every time she spoke…and I could feel the tension when Lisa plopped the chicken in the oven without first trussing it…oh the horror!
Now, let’s talk spa day. Have you ever seen anything like Adrienne’s version?
No expense was spared and apparently Adrienne had her fill of the kitchen because Chef Bernie was happily back where he belonged, making pastries and desserts for the masses. There were all sorts of deliciousness prepared for the ladies, but the moment that took my breath away was the yogurt bar…and the toppings! Please Adrienne, if you need another Housewife on the show I am recommending myself. I will create drama like you have never seen, only if you can promise me a dessert topping bar once a season…that’s the only rider in my contract.
Of course all the ladies attended…because pulling out all the stops on spa day means there must be optimal drama…you wouldn’t want a dessert topping bar for nothing!
I won’t go on and on about all the details to the spa day, but let’s just say the spa day in a bucket that I purchased at Sally Hanson does not cut it.
Once Brandi arrived, the party really got kicking. The ladies were all still up in arms about the Game Night fiasco, and the fact that Brandi used the words, “Crystal Meth.” It still is hilarious to me that they all pretend to not know what Crystal Meth is. Hello, there are 20/20 episodes about it…I certainly have never encountered it in my real life, but I am aware that you will get holes in your face and your teeth will rot if you go near it.
All the ladies quietly ignored Brandi as she got her treatments and Kyle and Kim decided to go out back and relive their childhood by flopping around like fish out of water on the trampoline. Hello awkward.
Adrienne decided that she would try and cut the tension by making Brandi apologize for Kyle and Kim being horrible people. Brandi agreed because she too was blown away by the dessert topping table, and decided to, against her better judgement, apologize for Kyle and Kim’s behavior.
It was really yucky to watch, I have to say…forced apologies in front of a group of people, not so fun. But she did it. And Kyle kept insisting she didn’t talk about Brandi’s children, just Brandi’s capability as a parent. Ahh, so much better Kyle.
All I have to say is that Brandi must really need the Real Housewives gig.
Now, onto Episode 9. We’ll call this Where Morocco meets the Little Mermaid
The episode opened up to Mauricio’s gorgeous mother getting a facelift upon the recommendation of Paul at a party months before. I agree with Kyle in the fact that the lady didn’t need one. AND as evidenced by the horror that was her face post-operation I’m gonna have to say, “I told you so”.
The thing is, all I really wanted to see was her face as it is presently…like “the big reveal”…and the fact that all they showed us was scary-faced-Mauricio’s-mom was a HUGE let-down. I mean, haven’t they ever seen any sort of Extreme Makeover show? What would those shows be without the finished product. Not cool, Bravo, not cool at all.
Next we see Lisa making phone calls while she’s driving. Is that not illegal in California? Because that’s all I could think of…well, that and the fact that she must have a great speaker on her phone because talking on speaker while in a convertible doesn’t seem like an optimal speaker-phone situation. Speaker speaker speaker. Sorry.
Lisa did get a hold of Taylor while convertible/speaker-phone talking and told her that Russell wasn’t invited to Pandora’s engagement party because apparently he and Mohamed has some nasty business falling out. Taylor took the news in stride and said she would come anyway.
We popped in on Taylor and Dana next. Taylor is planning another party for her daughter, Kennedy…and this time she plans on not going so over-the-top, but having a mere 200 people at a “ranch themed” gathering. The two ladies met at a bakery and Taylor let Dana take over because she is some sort of “party-planner-extraordinaire”. BUT she seemed a little stumped with the tricky “ranch” theme that Taylor had chosen and needed some assistance from the baker as to what is on a ranch. Every episode that Dana is in I think she is more and more full of poop. They finally settled on a modest $2,000 cake and then had the difficult decision of picking a flavor. Again, thank GOD that Dana was there offering no help at all. Taylor asked the baker what flavors children liked and I just felt sad that she didn’t know her daughter’s favorite kind of cake.
Now, in an odd-ball turn Taylor invited Kyle and Mauricio over for a “gourmet” dinner prepared by a random chef. I felt bad for Taylor while watching this because knowing what we all do now, it was her way of trying to put on appearances…honestly, Kyle and Mauricio seem like grilling out burgers kind of people, so I wanted to jump into the TV and tell Taylor not to try so hard.
At dinner, though, there was some awkwardness when Russell pulled out a copy of US Weekly where the tabloid was reporting their “separation”. Russell was hinting at the fact that he believed that Lisa was the source quoted in the article and conversation screeched to a halt. They cheersed with their wine and the dinner fell silent.
Ok, so let’s talk camel. Mohamed’s engagement party that he threw for his “Goddaughter” Pandora was a Moroccan theme. Sparing no expense he had a camel flown in from the San Diego zoo and belly dancers flown in from Scores. Mohamed’s flowy hair was done just right for evening…the perfect amount of flow…and his
daughter fiance was silent and beautiful in her dress.
All the ladies came except Kim, Dana and Brandi, which I am sure was for the best, and were amazed at the extravagance of the night. But the best part was when Camille and Taylor (I think it was Taylor) walked out back to the pool area where there was an odd woman in a mermaid costume flopping around the ground. I think she even said, “I am a mermaid” while she was flopping…It looked as if she was trying to do the worm on the hard concrete. I almost felt bad for her, until later in the episode when she slid down the banister backwards. It was really weird…like there are no words.
The party got a little too creepy for me when all the circus people started doing bendy stuff, and Kyle, not to be out-done, decided to climb on the table and do the splits. By that time I had enough Moroccan for one night.
Now. For the ending better than all endings. We are introduced to Kim’s new boyfriend. The one that she has been hiding
in her dungeon. Now if you are easily offended, please stop reading…I am warning you because I would rather not get hate mail…so be warned.
Bravo kept the identity of Kim’s boyfriend hidden, as to build suspense. Brilliant Bravo. By the time that they showed his face I was ready to come out of my chair. Finally the moment arrived and I have to say that I literally gasped when I saw him.
There is a clear reason she has kept him a secret.
He is a mystical creature.
Her boyfriend is literally one of those ugly troll dolls come to life. She made him get a haircut for his television debut, but shake his body a few times and I can guarantee you that his hair would stand on end, as it has in the hands of children for years and years.
I feel bad saying all of this, but it would be remiss of me not to mention his face, his face from folklore.
So, next week it looks like Kim breaks the news of her mystical boyfriend to Kyle and in the preview you see Kyle crying….maybe she’s remembering an encounter with him under a bridge…
Tune into Bravo every Monday night at 10:00 EST for a new episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills