Ok, I have some catching up to do. I can’t seem to get my act together this holiday season!
While I am behind at writing the recaps, I am absolutely not behind on watching the episodes…and we haven’t discussed some really good ones.
We will speed through the episodes I missed and just hit on the important stuff, mmkay?
Let’s start with Episode #11.
We left off with Kyle about to meet Kim’s new troll-friend. Introductions ensue and Kyle decides that the best way to handle the situation is pretend he doesn’t exist…which seems about right because do trolls REALLY exist?
Next Taylor was being recognized at some charity thing. Didn’t pay too much attention, honestly. The notable moment from the event was the fact that Lisa was left off the guest list. Kyle inadvertently spilled the beans and Lisa pretended not to care, but we all know she did.
Next Lisa planned a tea party. She invited Taylor along with the other girls to show she was the bigger person, but honestly don’t you think she did it to make Taylor uncomfortable? Well, that kinda backfired. Taylor showed up to the tea party with guns blazing. Girlfriend was ready for a fight.
Taylor immediately jumped all over Lisa with allllll her past grievances. I kinda wish that (as she states in the opening credits) the voice she “found” was more coherent. We obvs know she was going through issues, but I am thinking instead of “finding her voice”, she should have taken a pass this season. I mean I want to make fun of her so bad, but of course knowing that she is dealing with major issues in her life I would come off as kind of a d-bag. Taylor, you’ve put me in a pickle.
She digs into Lisa for not being her friend, blah blah and lays her inferiority complex out there for the world to ogle. She hates that Lisa has a screen saver of herself on her iPad and got her ugly cry on full force as she told all the ladies for the 15th million time that she is in therapy and dealing with other issues in her life.
She finally storms out leaving the tea party, only to be sidetracked by Paul lurking around Lisa’s front gate. Taylor started unloading on Paul an entirely skewed version of the story and Paul, as any man would do, tried to change the topic of conversation…going where he felt comfortable…botox, filler and wrinkles…
I mean, who cares how she is feeling…it’s more about how she looks, right?
I don’t remember how Taylor ended up back in Lisa’s house..maybe she “forgot her scarf” or something, but upon her return I thought the ladies would make nice and move on.
Not so much.
The ladies (unsure about the truth to Taylor’s behind-the-scenes allegations of domestic abuse) decided to lay it all on the table. Well, actually Camille decided to go there. Good for you Camille…can I just say that you have turned into my favorite housewife? She confronted Taylor about the stories of abuse in front of the cameras and told Taylor she needed to be honest. Bravo! She talked abuse specifics and got all finger pointy. She had clearly hit her Taylor limit and Went. There.
Now Episode #12….
We pick up right where we left off still in Lisa’s living room, Camille’s allegations hanging in the air.
In perfect diva fashion, making a grand statement and grabbing her purse and hitting the door, before Taylor had a chance to respond Camille stormed out and left the other ladies to deal with the aftermath.
Taylor and Lisa kinda sorta made up, but I think they were all just stunned into pretending to get along. They “pinky swore” to be friends and the day went from weird to bananas.
Next we cut to Taylor’s “down to earth” birthday party for Kennedy. She arrived at the outdoorsy locale and party planning high-jinx ensued. Will there be enough tables? Will there be enough chairs? Oh the suspense is killing me! Taylor’s skinny legs ran all around trying to track down her missing tables when finally, party planner extraordinaire Dana showed up to save the day!
Russell showed up to the party in full “good dad” mode buying Kennedy another living creature in the form of a horse. I’m thinking if they couldn’t keep the dog he bought her last year, it makes PERFECT sense to buy a horse. I wish I had such obvious sensibility.
Then the creme dela creme of the party, Ace Young shows up. ACE FREAKING YOUNG PEOPLE!
It could have possibly been the most awkward party entertainment I have ever seen. First, Taylor decides to get her flirt on and we have to watch her make googly eyes at Ace. THEN we have to watch Ace perform his “original” number to Kennedy, who seems to be the most unhappy child in all the land. Ace seems to have forgotten all the tips that Simon Cowell shared with him, as he performed holding his beer. It was just uncomfortable to watch.
This was a useless episode. Adrienne started a shoe line, Brandi and Kyle got manicures, Brandi said “BJ”, and Taylor and Russell got therapy which Russell bailed from early because of a work meeting. I’m thinking he isn’t learning much.
At Adrienne’s shoe fashion show she confronted Lisa about not having Pandora’s Bachelorette party at the Palms. I see Adrienne’s side of the argument, but I also see Lisa’s as well. Lisa seemed completely caught off guard by the conversation, but I applaud Adrienne for telling her how she felt and not unloading at a tea party 4 months later. Thanks for being the resident adult, Ms. Maloof.
Yeah, that’s all that happened.
Up next Episode #14. The saddest and most bizarre yet.
Well, the episode started with us actually getting to see the big reveal of Mauricio’s mom, Estella’s plastic surgery. I see now why they didn’t do the big reveal on the initial episode. It was about the most anti-climatic plastic surgery in history. The woman looked exactly the same. Boooooring.
The meat of the episode happened at a dinner/belly dancing party that Brandi decided to throw for goodwill to all housewives.
Camille brought back-up. Girlfriend has some crazy friends…but more on that in a minute.
Brandi had the party at some random person’s home in Malibu…she wore a see-through white onesie and Kyle, with the funniest line in the show deemed it a “no bra party”. It’s funny that Brandi tries so hard to fit it, yet wears clothes that she knows will obviously illicit a reaction.
What I could not get past, however, was the inclusion of Jen from Celebrity Rehab/Sober House! Did you see her? Why were she and her enormous lips THERE?
Was she scoping out new recruits for next season’s Rehab cast? I had a hard time focusing on the ladies antics because I was too busy pausing and rewinding trying to see if Jen was drinking wine! Isn’t she sober? Luckily my detective work found no evidence of wine drinking by Jen (high five!). Maybe she didn’t drink because there was literally not a drop of wine left in the house after our favorite housewives got a hold of the bottle. They were all pretty much hammered.
The ladies kinda belly danced and Kyle did her “splits” party trick that she seems to pull out when attention is diverted from her for one second. “Hey look! I can do the splits! Look at me!”
Then the night went down to China-town. A drunk De-De confronted Taylor. She basically said that Taylor needed to accept Camille’s abuse talking apology. Taylor didn’t hop on the forgiveness train which basically made De De mad and push the issue further. The whole situation went from bad to worse in a matter of 3 seconds. Alcohol and high emotions make for big time drama. Taylor unraveled right before our eyes, and I can’t even say anything snarky about the meltdown. It was downright sad. One random friend decided that she would try and make the ladies see through their wine soaked veil and appreciate the vast ocean in front of them and frankly I wanted to jump in the tv and punch her out.
The women continued to argue, DeDe insisting that Camille has a heart of gold and Taylor screaming nonsense in return. Then Brandi stepped in and with the most unclassy move of the night (a feat in and of itself) asked Taylor to leave. I think all the blood had rushed from Brandi’s head into her nipples because she was obviously not thinking straight.
Kyle and Taylor left and Taylor unraveled further in the limo home. None of it should have been on TV. She screamed at the limo driver that she needed a light because apparently Taylor smokes and by the grace of God she didn’t catch on fire with her inability to light a cigarette. It was all a spectacle to behold.
Jen the Sober House girl, who has obviously seen some crazy, was stunned into silence trying to comfort Brandi at the failed attempt at a dinner/belly dancing party.
SO, next week the ladies go to Las Vegas for Pandora’s Bachelorette party and it appears there is more drama. I wouldn’t expect anything less.