This whole entire episode was one giant build up. The promos showed the ladies sitting on a Hawaiian Beach getting a call from Taylor telling them her marriage was over.
This didn’t happen until 50 minutes in. I HATE when they do that to you…so now, the NEXT episode will be about the break up. This week just announced the break up. They could have saved me an hour of my life and just cut to next week.
Needless to say, we are here to discuss the show. So let’s do it.
The episode opened with Taylor and Russell leaving the white party after their abrupt dismissal. Russell feigned optimism, saying they could be back in Vegas in an hour, while Taylor rolled her eyes at him. They were still hamming it up for the cameras a bit until Russell kept repeating that Camille’s allegations were a flat-out lie. The covering up was really awkward to watch, especially when Taylor said, “All couples fight.” Um yeah, not like that.
Russell honestly seemed kinda scary to me… entirely too calm. You could just feel his blood simmering through the tv screen. When the Armstrong’s shut the front door to their home, camera men standing out front, I felt scared for the anger that was going to bubble over within their walls.
We popped back to the white party were the rest of the gang was rehashing the events of the night. The ladies tried to explain what had just happened to Kim (who was typically MIA during the encounter), but as they spoke it appeared she didn’t understand English, her eyes glazed and mouth hanging open.
Everyone decided that despite the drama the White Party must go on.
Enter Fat Burger fries and the Mariachi Band from Lisa’s wedding planner. The gang started dancing while some random woman with enormous ta-tas looked on. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice her.
Kim, really feeling the Mariachi band, started doing very Latino ponytail hair flips on the dance floor all while getting her groove-thang on with some random guy. As soon as Troll-Ken saw her dancing he decided he need to pick the food out of his teeth STAT and make out with Kim on the dance floor, so everyone would know how HAPPY they are. I about gagged, not only at the tonsil hockey, but the thought that HOMEBOY WAS PICKING FOOD OUT OF HIS TEETH WITH HIS FINGER only seconds before. Sick.
They did own the dance-floor though…at least that what Kim said.
The next day (or whenever) the group was preparing to go on their Hawaii vacation. Giggy was reading to get his lei on, sporting fabulous pink cabana wear, but alas, he was not allowed to go. What a bummer.
Over at Kyle’s house, Mauricio, sans shirt, walked around all sweaty and fit. I don’t really know what they were talking about, because his abs were slightly distracting. Sorry, I’m human.
They all arrived at the airport in separate town cars…because none of these people EVER DRIVE THEMSELVES ANYWHERE, all dressed for different seasons and occasions. Brandi in the peasanty-sundress…Camille in 17 layers and Lisa dressed for Dynasty.
After they checked in for their flight they realized that Kim was missing..how unusual. Kyle called her and translated her speech into, “Her license expired, she lost her passport and she took too many drugs”. Either way, she and Troll-Ken weren’t making the flight.
Brandi had to take Xanax to
stand being with these people calm herself down to fly, and subsequently said all sorts of inappropriate things. Once they arrived in Hawaii her meds “really kicked in”. I thought that was a little weird that the medicine started working HOURS later, but I don’t know much about drugs. Call me a square.
In Brandi’s Xanax haze she called Troll-Ken a gay Bull Mastiff and got super touchy-felly with Lisa’s Ken, which was hilarious, because he got all stumbly and stupid. Men…they are all the same.
BUT what was most awesome was when Lisa told Brandi her right nipple was about to pop out. Best. Comeback. Ever.
Whenever someone is getting too close for comfort with my husband I am SO using that line…it doesn’t matter what they are wearing. I’m using it.
The next day on the beaches of Hawaii, Camille got super inappropriate with a spray bottle of Evian, while Brandi decided to show up wearing a size 2T bikini. Lisa’s Ken was still speechless.
Next up was the phone call from Taylor.
Here’s how it went…
Taylor: My marriage is over
Kyle and Lisa: GASP!
That is all.
I waited an entire 2 weeks for that. Blah.
Next week looks great…Kim and Troll-Ken show up in Hawaii and Kim calls Mauricio, “Maurice” which makes me laugh. AND it appears as Troll-Ken back-talks Kyle, which I am sure won’t go over well.