The Bachelor Recap~ Episode 4

As you probably know, Four Bachelor Episodes equals like 2 years in a normal relationship.  So, this is the part of the season where women start throwing around the “LOVE” word all willy nilly, and becoming permanent residents of Crazy Stalker Town.


Basically, things are getting good.


The episode started off with Ben flying over Park City Utah in a helicopter.  I know that the Bachelor is trying to make helicopters synonymous with love, but I still see Deathtrap with Propellers, which is completely UNromantic.  The whole time, I was waiting for it to crash into the side of a mountain.  Very distracting.


During his flight in the deathcopter, Ben dreamily stared out the window while his voice-over told us that he was bringing the women to Utah  because he wants the women to experience the outdoors.


In other words, he hates them all and wants to torture them.  What a jerk.


The women arrived in Utah, and Ben galloped up on a horse.  Of course, they all squealed and found it completely adorable, but I sort of felt sorry for the horse.  I mean really, that innocent animal doesn’t deserve to be dragged into these shenanigans.  Chris Harrison magically appeared (I am fairly certain that he is a wizard), and warned the women that roses would be present on the One On One Dates, and if they weren’t given a rose on the date, they would be sent home.  He reminded them that getting to know each other on these dates was important and not to waste valuable conversation time discussing the weather.


The five year old in me really wished that one of the girls would raise their hand and ask, “but what it’s hailing in my face, or there’s an arctic blizzard, or I’m being attacked by a tornado?”.  But of course, no one did because I am not on the show.


The first date card arrived at the house and Kaycee B was anxious, hoping it was for her.  Sadly, it was for Rachel (the Fashion Sales Rep with tiny diamond stud in her nose), so Kaycee B went and cried to the camera.  Distraught, she wondered aloud when it would all be over and said that her love for Ben was “instantaneous”.  She also said that she is ready to just “be together and be going to the grocery store”.  Obviously, Kaycee B has a lot to learn about marriage, because I never take my husband to the grocery store unless I want to A) be there for an hour longer than necessary B) buy an econosize bag  of Beef Jerky that will sit in the cupboard for a year  or C)  be forced into the 10 Items Line while I hyperventilate, knowing darn good and well we have 15 items.  It’s just a bad idea all around.


Ben showed up to pick Rachel up for their date, and Kaycee confided that it made her want to throw up.  But if you ask me, I think that the real reason she wanted to throw up was Ben’s hair, and she just didn’t want to admit it to herself.  Homeboy needs a Stacy and Clinton intervention in the worst way.


Ben and Rachel hopped in a helicopter and landed by a river where there was a canoe waiting on them.  Rachel acted happy about it, but her PGV (party girl voice) makes it hard for me to take anything she says very seriously.  They paddled the canoe to land, where there was a picnic thing waiting on them.  They made awkward small talk, and Ben was forced to point out a beaver dam out of desperation.  Chris Harrison didn’t say anything about not talking about Beaver Dams so I guess it’s okay, although I’d have to argue that lightning and hail storms are much more exciting.


Later, Ben and Rachel went to dinner, where Rachel told Ben that she finds it difficult to open up.  I really don’t understand why she doesn’t feel like confiding all of her deepest secrets in front of cameras for a huge television show on her first date.  Obviously, she has emotional problems.  Ben decided that her fear of opening up make her worthy of going further in the journey and awarded her with a rose.


Ben and Rachel then went to make S’mores and kiss, and Ben said that their relationship was a “slow burn”.  Maybe he needs to see a doctor though, because I hear that “slow burn” could also be a sign of something else.  WHAT?!  He’s dating LOTS of GIRLS.   Just a thought.


Meanwhile, back at Crazy Girl Hotel, the dreaded Group Date Card arrived.  Courtney’s (the model) name was on the card, much to the relief of the other girls who were hoping that the group setting would force her to reveal her true colors.


The girls arrived for the group date and once again, Ben showed up on a horse.  Lindzi almost peed her pants, she was so excited, and the girls all hopped on horses to ride to their destination, which turned out to be a river where they would be fly fishing.


Worst.  Date idea.  EVER.


Kaycee B spent the date in agony, wanting some alone time with Ben because of their amazing connection.  Courtney decided to try to turn the date into a One on One, and endless fishing/dating puns (He’s such a CATCH!!  heh heh) followed.  I am really thinking that Courtney might have a future in the greeting card business.


Courtney managed to snag Ben for a private fishing lesson, and Ben marveled at how she “just gets it”.  Lindzi, seeing what was going down, decided to crash their little private fishing session, only for Courtney to catch a fish immediately following.  Ben and Courtney celebrated her trout while Lindzi stood off to the side, awkwardly pretending to fish.  It was just bad all around.


As with all group dates, the girls and Ben retired to a pool/jacuzzi setting, and the claws really started coming out.  Is it just me, or do bikinis and steam bring out the evil in women?


Ben asked to see Casey S alone, and while they were talking, the other girls toasted to “not interrupting” private conversations.  As if on cue, Nicki (the dental hygenist) decided to be a Toast Liar, and go interrupt Ben and Casey S.  She told Ben about how her boss died right before the show started taping, and Ben shared that a friend of his died right before the show started taping also.  They took this as some sort of love sign, and started making out.


Samantha, who is also an obvious Toast Liar, decided to interrupt Ben and Nicki for some alone time of her own.  She then proceeded to ask Ben why she hadn’t gotten a One On One Date, because she didn’t see the point of group dates.  Ben, in a surprising display of no nonsense manliness, informed Samantha that she was highly emotional on the group dates, and he didn’t see anything from her meriting a One On One.  He then informed her that since it wouldn’t be going any further, he wanted to end things now.  Samantha went and told everyone goodbye, with Ben on her heels.  He helped her out with her bags, and the whole thing was awkward and gross.


Ben then stated that plenty of girls “hadn’t gotten any dates at all so Samantha shouldn’t have been complaining”.  Remember this line, girls.  It’s about to be important.


After the Samantha drama was over, Ben pulled Kaycee B aside to “connect” which meant making out.  Courtney became angrier by the minute, so Ben took her upstairs to a private fire place where they immediately started kissing.  Courtney complained about having to go on a group date instead of an alone date, whining that she was “losing sight” of their connection.  Ben apologized profusely, then went and got the group date rose and awarded it to her.  Remember the above statement that I said was important?  Review.  I call DOUBLE STANDARD!!!!!!


Back at the house, the last date card arrived for Jennifer (the redhead).  Ben came to pick her up the following day, and they hiked to a fence labeled “No Trespassing”.  Jennifer was hesitant, but Ben talked her into “taking a chance” and “trusting him” so she obliged.  After a bit more hiking, they came to a crater in the ground, and Ben informed her that he had equipment for them to repel down into it and swim.


Who swims in craters?  Aliens, that’s who.  As if fishing, helicopters, and climbing bridges isn’t enough, Bachelor has to add Extraterrestrial Dates to the equation.  I have no words.


After the Alien Swim was over, Ben and Jennifer went to dinner, got rained on, talked about relationships and love, and Ben gave Jennifer a rose.  They then headed to a field where there was a Clay Walker concert taking place.  That was the part of the show where I had to hit pause and ask my husband who that was.  The whole concert thing was really weird, because the audience was a small group of women who were obviously being paid to be there.  They stared and Ben and Jennifer the whole time and clapped when they kissed.  The whole thing made me mentally punch like ten people, and it was gross.


Finally, the cocktail party happened.  Courtney, Jennifer, and Rachel gloated over having roses, while the other girls sat and nervously obsessed.    Emily (the blonde PhD student), decided to talk to Ben about Courtney, which didn’t go over well at all.  Ben, obviously in denial because of his desire to date a model, told Emily that he watches all the girls, and that focusing on Courtney is going to hurt her chances with him.  Courtney became frustrated and upset, and confided in Casey, who immediately went and told Courtney.


Courtney confronted Emily, who acted confused and cried while Courtney taunted, “I have a rose and you don’t, ha ha ha”.


Finally, the much anticipated Rose Ceremony took place, and Emily was given a rose despite tattletale-ing on Courtney.


Monica (tall blonde who was all over Blakely on first episode) was sent home.


Ben then announced that they were headed to Costa Rica and Courtney mumbled unenthusiastically, “I was there two months ago…”


The next episode promises tons of drama and…SKINNY DIPPING!!


The Bachelor is on Mondays on ABC at 8/7 central.

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  1. 1
    Becky says:

    So, I don’t watch the Bachelor just because of all the ridiculous drama…but oh my goodness – your recap?! When are you gonna start televising that, cause that I would SO watch!! :D

  2. 2
    Amy says:

    I completely agree with Becky. I think this show is ridiculous and I refuse to watch it. Your recaps are so hilarious and I almost want to see what you are talking about but have decided that your descriptions are probably way more funny than anything that dumb show could show me…I will just have stick with this blog. :)

  3. 3

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day. SO FUNNY!

  4. 4
    sharon says:

    best recap yet!!!!!!

  5. 5
    Laurel says:

    Shout out to the home town! Your recaps are hilarious. I enjoy them more than the show. It’s predictable and annoying. You’re spontaneous and hilarious! :) just some facts most of us from P.C. don’t get place to place riding horses or jump down big stinky craters. We’re all very normal just like the rest of you. we buy our food at the store, not catch it in the river. P.s. that fish was patheticly small. Ben obviously doesn’t know anything when he calls it a “great catch”

  6. 6
    Ann says:

    You are so funny! Love it. Shelly mentioned last week that Jennifer looks like someone but she doesn’t know who. Mandy Moore! Don’t you think?

  7. 7

    Your recaps are far more entertaining than the show itself. Though I did love the part at the end where Courtney said she was just there two months ago, and everyone just looked around awkwardly.

  8. 8
    Kimberly says:

    I just have to say, every monday night, my girlfriends and I get together and we have our weekly Bachelor nights…every Tueday, they all look forward to when I email them yours and Shelly’s Bachelor recaps…you both think EXACTLY LIKE US!!!!! We love it!!!

  9. 9
    Wilma says:

    One of my girlfriends & I watch the show every week (separately) & fb chat back & forth the whole time about how ridiculous the whole thing is. So ridiculous that we MUST watch! Your recaps are spot on, & completely hilarious! Also, Courtney is a mean spirited person, and I can’t stand looking at those lips much longer!

  10. 10
    Joleen says:

    You are hilarious Kristan..!

  11. 11
    Chase says:

    So…I don’t know if anyone listens to Kid Kraddick, but he mentioned something on the radio this morning that apparently that whole thing about Samantha getting kicked off was staged. (Not that the whole show isn’t somewhat staged) Supposedly, she was messing around/had feelings for the producer of the show or something and so they were trying to look for a way for her to make a quick exit.

    Other than that…Courtney is a psycho, but I find it kind of impressive how manipulative she is. Also, Kasey B all the way!

  12. 12
    Kelsey says:

    Here’s what Ellen Degeneres had to say about it:
    Haha! I think they need to turn this show into something we can vote on so that we can send Courtney home!! This show would be so much better without her, even if she is a brilliant game player.

  13. 13
    Christina Self says:

    Kristan! I think you should do a Vlog on these recaps then I wouldn’t even have to watch The Bachelor! I love your recaps and agree with you whole heartedly on the whole double standard thing with Courtney.

  14. 14
    Jenny says:

    I hate the show but love reading the satirical recaps. Yours was the best—-even better than reality steve’s. It made me laugh out loud several times :). Thanks for sharing!

  15. 15
    Maggie says:

    I have never watched The Bachelor and I probably never will but I will totally read your recaps because they’re hilarious!

  16. 16
    amber says:

    I watch and watched this episode. Fantastic recap. I can’t wait to see what you write this week after the skinny dipping. I’m so ready for Courtney to hit the road.

  17. 17
    June g. says:

    Can you come over tomorrow? I want to watch the bachelor together;)


  1. [...] Are you watching the Bachelor yet?  I’m happy to report that it’s a hot mess of crazy, and I’m keeping you fully posted with a recap of the latest episode HERE. [...]

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