Let me preface this recap with an admission. While I have been a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad super fan since the beginning I wasn’t crazy excited for this season.
I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben when he was on Ashley’s season. In fact, I thought Ashley made the right choice. I was JP all the way.
So, when Ben was announced as the new Bachelor I was kinda, meh.
He seems nice enough, don’t get me wrong. But he always seemed a little sweaty and kinda Cro-Magnon.
But of course, as the date drew closer to the premiere I knew I would tune in. Of course I would. Haven’t missed a season yet.
Now, knowing that I would be writing a recap here I took copious notes throughout the 2 hour episode…but 17 pages later I realized I just need to hit on the highlights because, 1/2 these girls would be gone next week and I couldn’t keep their names straight anyway. So please forgive me when I describe them…because on my notes I have one girl written as, “Lesbian”, one girl as “blogger” and another as “sparkly eye shadow”. AND I am sure you all know who each of those girls are based on that description…but you might not have any idea who Monica, Jenna or…well…sparkly eye shadow was.
Ok, let’s start at the beginning.
We meet Ben. We relive Ben’s brutal rejection from last season. We learn Ben is a winemaker who lives in California.
Ben is a normal guy who carries logs, and drives pick up trucks. Ben is sensitive because he plays the piano and has long-ish hair.
We ALMOST made it through the whole “Meet Ben” segment without the proverbial shirtless shot. But alas, at the 25th hour we see Ben, shirtless, in a kayak. Because he is outdoorsy.
Ben tells us he has “never juggled 25 women”. Good Ben. You seem more relatable to me now, knowing that you have never done that before.
Words of the episode tonight are “Reflect”, “Love”, “Journey”, “Ready”, “Available”. Learn these words well, because you will hear them approximately seventy-bagillion times throughout the episode.
Next we meet the women…please forgive me if I spell any of their names wrong. I have never seen so many weird spellings of otherwise normal names IN MAH LIFE!
If you want to see pics to reference click here for the entire casts bios
I will do this quick:
- Lindzie ~ Horse girl. She got dumped via text that read, “Babe, Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU”. Now. Let’s discuss this. I really have strong reservations about someone who dated a guy who would do that. I mean, at some point down the line you think he gave off the a-hole vibe. Makes me question her judgement. Hope she doesn’t break Ben’s heart.
- Amber ~ the hunter who lives in Nebraska and eats Beef Nuts. Yes, that means beef testicles.
- Kacie B. ~She’s from Tennessee and loves her grandparents. I like her.
- Courtney ~ She’s a model and seems mean. Of course she will go far, my guess is at least home-town dates. This will be the girl that is a total jerk to everyone and somehow, someway The Bachelor won’t pick up on this.
- Jamie ~ She’s a nurse and brought up her siblings. Like her too.
- Lyndsie ~ Well, she is a “diplomat’s” daughter and speaks with a questionable British accent. She also does impressions…no likey.
- Jenna ~ A blogger at theoveranalyst.net. I knew this girl was gonna be drama by the looming music that played over her intro. Good job ABC at building our cast of characters.
- Shawn ~ the requisite single mom. There’s always at least one. Shawn is a financial analyst and says things like, “The market closed pretty flat” today. You sound very businessy, Shawn. Did anyone else wonder if there was anyone on the other end of that phone call?
- Nicki ~ She’s from Texas and she’s divorced. There’s always a divorcee.
Next up were the limo arrivals. There were all the usual awkward meetings. I always want to fast forward through this part, but I don’t because, there are cringe-worthy moments aplenty. It’s all the bad of The Bachelor rolled into one.
I won’t go on about all the ladies, but I will hit on a few that I think should be noted.
- Jenna (the blogger) just stood there. When she decided to speak she quoted Ben from last season and totally botched the quote. As she walked away I was nervous that she might go slit her wrists somewhere because she was mumbling to herself on how she “ruined everything” and “might as well go home now”. I’m thinking the pysch-screening for this show is negligible.
- Emily, the girl who is the disease doctor, pulled out the hand sanitizer. I thought she was kinda funny, until later in the evening when she gangsta-rapped. More on that in a bit.
- Samantha wore a pageant sash. Maybe don’t do that next time, kay?
- Holly wore a hat that was certainly a talking piece, however obstructed the hug. You can’t have that.
- Shira was a too-skinny actress who said she knew everything about wine, until Ben asked her a question and she had no idea. Then admitted to knowing nothing about wine and that she’s a big huge liar. It was awesome.
- Then Grandma got out of the limo. It was kinda like Driving Miss Daisy. Grandma came to introduce her grandaughter to Ben. I loved it. How awesome that your GRANDMA watches The Bachelor?
- Anna was the next notable because she pulled a power move and walked right on by Ben without introducing herself. Didn’t pay off in the end, honey. However, I did appreciate the porno music that played when she got out of the limo. Good stuff, ABC
- Shawn, who we met earlier, made an unfortunate dress selection. It was green and there was ruching in all the wrong places. Sorry Shawn…speaking the truth.
- Then Lindzie showed up. On a horse. It was an entrance and it paid off for her.
Next up was the “cocktail party” where all the girls were ragingly jealous of Grandma and the horse.
We had wrist tattoos that gave me scary Kasey flashbacks, line dancing, candy tasting and awkward rapping…anything to stand out on the crowd.
Ben handled himself totally classy even when Courtney told him how she is a super successful supermodel who travels like everyday and works all the time because she is a model and it’s really hard work being a MODEL.
Meanwhile, while Ben was “one on one-ing”…the natives started to get restless.
The main drama came from Monica and Jenna. It started when the girls were sitting next to each other and Monica said that she wasn’t attracted to Ben. Which, I get might make the ladies upset. I have seen enough seasons of the The Bachelor that any whisper of concern about your feelings you are dead in the water. The ladies will POUNCE…How DARE you waste his time? How DARE you take the place of someone else who WANTS to be here…I’ve heard it all…
But when Monica, who I think might have been messing with Jenna a little bit, said she didn’t really care about Ben, Jenna lost her crap. LOST IT.
The difference between the two ladies, though, is that Monica is able to control her emotions, only making Jenna look crazier. She played her like a puppet. Monica quietly pushed her buttons, like a master villain, while Jenna appeared loony and unable to keep it together.
While Jenna went to cry in a corner, Monica decided to optimize time and hit on another contestant, Blakely. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m thinking that if you are wanting to win Ben’s heart maybe trying to get some girl on girl action might not be the most direct route…or maybe it is?
The red-dress girl decided that she wanted things to be all-good between Jenna and Monica so she took it upon herself to make them sit face to face and hash it out. It didn’t turn out so well, with Jenna offering to share a tampon with Monica.
After that there were a lot of tears. A LOT. I guess Jenna was upset because Monica didn’t want to share her tampon and she lost herself completely. She was this season’s girl in the bathroom sobbing, saying lots of overly dramatic statements, like, “my life is over” and “I gave everything” and “Everything goes black” and “Everyone here sucks like fish goo…commoners”. Yeah…I didn’t say it made sense.
Finally we got to the rose ceremony. Here’s who got roses…
- Jamie, the nurse
- Rachel, the red dress
- Blakely, half of the lesbian couple.
- Emily, the disease rapper
- Kasey B., girl who loves her grandparents…not to be confused with the girl who brought her grandma.
- Brittany, the girl who brought her grandma
- Erika, yeah I have no idea…
- Shawn, the unfortunate green dress financial planner with a son
- Nickie, the divorcee
- Jennifer, the girl with red hair
- Samantha, the pageant queen
- Courtney, the model
- Jaclyn…yeah, I’ve got nothing. No recollection whatsoever
- Monica, the other half of the lesbian couple and fighter with Jenna
- aaaaand Jenna ~ the aggressive cryer.
There you go. Episode 1 in the bag. I do have to say that the preview for the upcoming season was EPIC.