This week’s episode opened with the girls flying in a tiny death plane to Panama City. I don’t really know what it is with The Bachelor staff’s inability to find normal modes of transportation, but I have a feeling that the person that heads that department has a good laugh every week.
The girls headed to their hotel and entered the room to find large, neon colored pillows and beanbags littering the floor. They excitedly jumped on the pillows, because it is a rule that when you see a giant pillow on the floor, you act like you’ve never seen one before in your life.
(Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing. You know you would)
The camera then panned to Ben, who was cruising the streets of Panama City in a Jeep with the top down, the wind blowing in his hair and a funky Latin beat in the background. For a moment I thought I was watching the opening to a SNL skit, but it turned out that the whole thing was a real attempt to make Ben look sexy.
Huge fail, Bachelor. HUGE HUGE Fail.
Ben then headed to his room to change into a manly pair of skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, and arrived at the girl’s Suite o’ Many Pillows with a Date Card for Kacie B. The Card said to “pack 3 things”, and Kasey ran off to get ready.
Kacie B. and Ben headed out for their date, which started with a helicopter ride over the Panama Canal. Ben then announced that they were headed to a deserted island together, and Kasey got super excited about having Ben on an island to herself.
Obviously, she is young, foolish, and never watches CSI, SVU, or 48 Hours Mystery, because the first thing you do when a man announces he’s taking you to a deserted island is make a few calls to see if he has a secret life insurance policy on you.
After arriving on the island, Ben and Kacie revealed the 3 items they each packed to bring on their trip. Kacie packed a corkscrew, a pocket knife, and candy. Ben packed a machete, a fishing net, and matches. If Kacie had any brains, she’d realize that being on a deserted island with a man carrying a machete is basically the worst thing EVER, but instead she got all excited about the adventure.
Again, Kacie made no attempt to investigate possible secret insurance policies, and the date continued without bloodshed. I’m fairly certain that the fact that I was watching and on high alert is the only thing that saved that girl. You don’t fool me, Ben. Remember that.
The rest of the island adventure consisted of fishing, drinking out of coconuts, and copious amounts of sandy island sweat. Kacie and Ben cooked their fish over a fire and Ben sipped champagne. Obviously, Chris Harrison used his wizard magic to teleport that champagne to the island, because neither of them packed it as their 3 things.
Meanwhile, back at the Suite o’ Many Pillows, the Group Date Card arrived for Emily, Nicky, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie. Blakely and Rachel immediately concluded that they would be given a two on one date, which caused Blakely a great deal of excitement. Rachel was not as excited, stating how awkward it is to be on a date with another woman present. But anyone who caught the first episode this season knows that a two woman situation is nothing new to Blakely. I have a feeling that is her go-to “male attention grabber” when she’s out at the clubs.
Mmmmhmmmm. You know what I mean.
Back at the Kacie B. and Ben date, the two ate dinner and Kacie B. decided to drop a bombshell — she had an eating disorder in High School, which ended at a Super Bowl party. Ben politely nodded and gave little feedback other than it obviously made her more mature that most girls her age. Then they kissed a lot, and he gave her a rose.
Next up was the group date, and Ben picked the girls up on a very long, very old, boat with a motor. The girls all died from how sexy it was and I threw up in my mouth a little. Ben drove the boat over to a very primitive village, where the women of the tribe dressed the girls in their traditional beaded tops. The tops were loose and didn’t cover the full booby area, so the girls kept their swim suit tops underneath. Except for Courtney aka Miss Nude, who embraced the opportunity to show off her goods. The girls were appalled, except for Ben, who appreciated her desire for an authentic tribal experience.
Ben, also very excited about the tribal experience, was wearing nothing but a loin cloth. Courtney loudly complained that her booby beads were “cold” (I’m sure that was quite obvious to anyone who looked at her, if you know what I’m saying), and proceeded to dance, jump, and jiggle as much as humanly possible. She continually talked to the camera about how it felt like she and Ben were on a one on one date, and how the women weren’t paying enough attention to him. Although I’m not sure how anyone can compete with a woman who has cold beads covering only half her boobs and is jumping up and down. Full nudity and dancing on a pole, maybe?
The group retired to the hotel pool for the evening. Ben pulled Lindzi aside for a brief chat, and he brought up the famous “dumpsville” text. I was really wishing that she would respond with a “you proposed to Ashely, she said no, and you rode off on a dinghy alone” comment, but she didn’t. Then they kissed a lot because that is what Ben likes to do.
Back at the Suite o’ Many Pillows, the Date Card arrived for Blakely and Rachel. The card informed them that one of the girls would be sent home on the date, and Blakely celebrated, certain that she would be the one staying.
The group date continued at the pool and Ben pulled Courtney aside for some alone time. He thanked her for being “assertive” (assertive is MAN TALK for sleazy). Courtney replied that she wasn’t feeling special and needed to keep the spark with him alive, and gave him her room number so he could visit later.
While Courtney and Ben had their alone time, Jamie was asking the girls if Ben was a good kisser. As soon as Ben and Courtney returned, she pulled him aside, determined to show him how she felt about him. However–Courtney frolicking in her bikini and doing leg lifts in the background proved distracting, and Jamie gave up without kissing Ben.
After a conversation with Ben about last week’s Courtney Drama, Emily decided to move on and apologized to Courtney for talking bad about her the week before. Courtney, who is a mob boss in her spare time, informed Emily that “once you cross me and disrespect me, that’s it for you”. Obviously, this did nothing to improve the other girl’s opinions of Courtney. Between the booby beads and the mob boss career, she’s a sinking ship and we all know it.
Much to Courtney’s chagrin, Ben decided to award the Group Date Rose to Lindzi. The date ended, and Courtney headed to her room convinced that Ben would be showing up later to reward her for making him feel special. Ben never showed, and Courtney cried fake robot tears.
Finally it was time for the anticipated Two on One date, which was going to be Salsa dancing. Rachel and Blakely changed into dancing dresses and took turns dancing with Ben. When it was Blakely’s turn, she wrapped her legs around him because “Salsa dancing is sexual”. Rachel, feeling uncomfortable watching this from the sidelines, tried to cut in several times and Blakely wasn’t having it. They both alternated dancing with Ben, having an unspoken Salsa fight. There was a lot of hip wiggling, eye staring, and general awkwardness. I just wanted it to be over.
Finally, the girls headed to dinner with Ben where he pulled each of them aside for some private time. Rachel spent her time explaining why she isn’t as “fast moving” as Blakely, and telling him that she really wants to stay and be with him. Blakely spent her one on one time crying and showing him her stalker scrapbook, where she documented what her life would be like as his wife. I’m pretty sure I saw a few of his fingernails and locks of hair glued inside the book too.
They all returned to the dinner table, and Ben awarded the rose to Rachel because it was quite obvious from her scrapbook that Blakely was stealing his DNA in an attempt to clone him. Blakely left crying, and Ben chased after her, begging for her to let him explain. He told her that his relationships with the other women were too far past where they were, which was a lie because there are like four girls there he has barely even talked to. Blakely cried harder, and a cat meowed in the alley, which was confusing. I think maybe Blakely is a witch and turns into a cat at night, and the Bachelor was trying to tell us that. It makes sense, since Chris Harrison is a wizard.
The next day at the Suite o’ Many Pillows, Chris Harrison dropped in. After a few minutes of awkward small talk, he asked to see Casey S. outside to discuss something serious. he took her to the courtyard and told her that he had received calls from 3 different people claiming that Casey had a boyfriend back home she was in love with. First off, I never understand how all these people call the Bachelor. Is there a hotline? Can I call them? Secondly, stop acting like the Love Police, Chris. You know this show isn’t even real anyways.
Kasey denied that she had a boyfriend back home, but admitted that she was in love with a man named Michael but couldn’t be with him because he refused to get married. I honestly felt a little sorry for the girl. Chris decided that they needed to take the discussion to Ben, and after a bit of confusion (pull out your magical wizard compass, Chris) they found Ben’s room and explained the situation.
Ben chastised Casey S, saying that women who were “there for the right reasons” were sent home, so he could keep here there. I have literally seen Ben talk to Casey S like 3 times, so I don’t even know why he acted like he cared. Ben then asked her to go home and Casey S. left sobbing.
Later that evening was the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony and Jamie decided it was time to get down to business and show Ben that she was a sexy women. She pulled Ben aside and told him that she wanted to show him how she felt about him. She then said she thinks about him at night and what she wants to do with him, which made me cringe and want to cry. She climbed on his lap, off his lap, and gave step by step instructions on how they should kiss. Ben finally gave up and Jamie walked away disappointed.
Seriously. Who does that. WHO????
The girls gathered for the Rose Ceremony and Chris magically appeared, reminding the girls how seriously Ben is taking the journey. Obviously, this is true, because getting naked and running in the ocean with a girl you barely know is a sure fire way of finding a quality wife. Ben passed out roses to everyone but Jamie, who left crying and ashamed. As she should be.
Next week promises to be interesting–the group is headed to Belize and the girls tattle on Courtney. Yay!
The Bachelor airs on Mondays on ABC at 8/7 central.