The Bachelor — Hometown Dates

This week was the much anticipated “Hometown Dates” episode.  I have to say that I found this episode a little boring.  I guess the women are much more interesting when they’re crying in hot tubs and fighting for Ben’s affection.


However, a few interesting things did happen (but no hot tub crying…boo).


Let’s discuss.


The episode started in Lindzi’s home state of Florida.   Lindzi rode around on her horse, wearing lots of bronze on her face (bronze powder…bronze lipstick…bronze blush…).  I found the whole thing a little weird because I didn’t even know Lindzi rode or even liked horses.  You’d think that they would have mentioned that like a thousand times by now, but whatever.  Ben approached Lindzi and they took off on a carriage ride.


Anytime I see someone riding a carriage, I think about that carriage ride on Seinfeld where Kramer fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno.  But alas, this horse was  gas free, and the ride went boringly normal.


Lindzi decided that it was time to talk about serious things.  I was hanging on to every word, hoping that this would be the big announcement I was waiting for…that she’s incorporating pink blush into her make-up routine!!  But alas, she just wanted to talk about her previously failed relationship (weird…did she get dumped before?  I can’t believe that she hasn’t already mentioned it a millionty times), and told Ben she’s ready to get married.  They then hopped back in the carriage and rode to her parent’s house.


During their chat, Ben and Lindzi found out that her parents were married in the same City Hall where they had their first date in San Fransisco.  Everyone marveled at the serendipity of it all, because we all know that is was FATE that brought them there for that date, and not Bachelor Producers.  Lindzi’s dad then announced it was time for carriage races, and laid out the rules.  Then he said penalized but pronounced it PEENalized and either I am twelve, or that was freaking hilarious.


Ben and Lindzi lost the race and had to pull the parents to the house on the carriage.  Because when your daughter brings her fake boyfriend home to meet you so she can win him, it’s always a good idea to force him into humiliating manual labor on national tv.


Back at the house, Ben had an alone talk with Lindzi’s mom, who informed him that Lindzi is inexperienced with relationships because she was always busy with cheer, drill team, and horses.  Then she asked Ben to sign the field trip permission slip in Lindzi’s Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, and told him to be sure to get her to her orthodontist appointment on time.


Then Ben and Lindzi’s dad had an alone talk and Ben asked for permission to marry her.  Her dad didn’t really give a straight answer, then they all went to roast marshmallows.  Ben then went home, confiding that he might be falling in love with Lindzi.


Kacie B.’s date was in her home state of Tennessee.  As Ben approached a high school football field, a marching band greeted him, with Kacie twirling her baton among them.  Obviously, Bachelor did their casting calls at high schools and all the girls are actually 16 years old.  After a final baton flourish, Kacie ran and jumped on Ben, attacking him like the sexy beast that he is.  They sat down and had a talk, and she informed him that her dad doesn’t drink.  Then Ben got super worried because deep down he knows he is only tolerable if the people around him are half sloshed.


They arrived at Kacie’s parent’s house, and Kacie took her sister aside and confided that Ben was her future husband.  I really loved their conversation because it was totally natural and her sister didn’t look or act awkward at all.  Meanwhile, Ben was having an alone talk with Kacie’s dad, who said he was a bit skeptical of the show, which is weird to me because it has such a high success rate.


Kacie’s dad said that if they DO end up engaged, he hopes that they date for quite awhile and don’t rush into things, and informed Ben that if Kacie isn’t the one for him, to let her go instead of dragging the process out and making it worse.  Ben then confided to the camera that he hoped the talk with Kacie’s mom would go a lot better.


Obviously, Ben is a giant wimp who should be Peenalized.


Ben then had a chat with Kacie’s mom, who told him that they wouldn’t approve of Kacie moving to San Fransisco and living with him, should he propose to her at the finale.  In the other room, Kacie’s dad was telling Kacie the same thing.  Kacie got frustrated, telling her dad that she and Ben have what none of the other girls have with him, and she feels he is questioning her judgement.  Someone should really tell Kacie that bringing a man home who looks like a squirrel died on his head would make any parent question their daughter’s good taste.


The date night ended on a slightly sour note, with Ben and Kacie frustrated that any parent would dare not approve of their child marrying someone they have dated on tv for a couple of months.


The next date was in Nicki’s home state of Texas.  Ben met Nicki and they immediately went cowboy boot shopping.  There were lots of “finding boots is like finding a husband” analogies, which was pretty dumb if you ask me.  They then emerged from the store and Ben was fully decked out in a western shirt, hat, and boots and looked like Woody from Toy Story, only less cool.  Nicki was wearing a sequined shirt she hadn’t been wearing when she entered the store, which made me wish they’d talk more about where I could buy the shirt and less about their stupid relationship.  They sat down on a bench and talked about Nicki’s previous marriage.


I kind of don’t understand why they always have to beat the “married before” horse to death.  I mean, have any of these people ever dated before?  Because honestly, you can’t throw a rock in a singles bar without hitting someone who has been divorced.  Just saying.


Anyways, after they were finished discussing Nicki’s previous (GASP) marriage (divorce!! Gah!!!), they headed to meet her parents.  Basically what happened there is, everyone was super thrilled and her parents pretty much pushed her into Ben’s arms and gave their excited approval. I think Ben spiked their wine with roofies, but there is no proof of this.


Before he left, Nicki pulled Ben aside and told him that she loved him.  Ben raised his eyebrows and said, “Oh wow…” because he has a horrible personality and no charm whatsoever.  Then they kissed and he left.



Next it was time for Courtney’s home town date in Arizona. Ben met Courtney and they immediately headed to her parents house to meet her mom, dad and sister.  Obviously her dad was on a lunch break from his J Crew catalog photo shoot, so it was nice that he was taking the time to meet Courtney’s pretend boyfriend.


Courtney pulled her sister aside and told her that she’s so happy, Ben is so great, blah blah blah.  Meanwhile, Ben and Courtney’s dad were chatting alone outside.  Courtney’s dad asked if Ben was ready to take a gamble on marriage and Ben basically said yes.  The dad then said that he wants a son in law and grand kids, and welcomed Ben to the family.  I guess once you’ve seen a man’s daughter naked in the ocean, you might as well settle in and start making babies.


Courtney then has a private chat with her mom, where she talked about love and did weird things with her upper lip.  Her mom seemed happy, but it she’d be a lot easier to read if her face could move.


Ben and Courtney then left for a wine picnic, and Courtney told Ben that she was ready to be serious with him.  They then noticed a wedding set up at the park, and headed over to check it out.  Of course, this was all part of Courtney’s evil plot, and she produced two notebooks so she and Ben could write their vows to each other.  She then handed Ben a bow tie to wear with his plaid shirt, because apparently she has a thing for Orville Redenbacher.


Ben and Courtney then walked down the aisle and the fake wedding ceremony began.  Ben recited his vows, which were all about how honest and real Courtney was.  Then Courtney read her vows, which were all about how much she loved him.  Ben raised his eyebrows and said, “WOW” again, because he has a horrible personality and no charm.  Then they exchanged rope rings and kissed and the fake wedding was complete.


Finally it was time for the rose ceremony.  Ben sat with Wizard Chris and recapped all of his home town dates, which was pointless because it was obvious that Chris had been watching in his crystal ball the whole time.  Finally he headed to the ceremony and gave a rose to everyone but Kacie B.  Obviously he hates people with normal parents.


Kacie B. cried, then she cussed in the limo, which I am sure her dad isn’t very happy about.  But trust me when I say she is truly better off in the long run.


The next episode is going to be crazy town, as there is a surprise visitor and Courtney reveals a few things she’s been hiding from Ben.


**You can watch The Bachelor Monday nights at 8/7 Central on ABC

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  1. 1

    Haha good recap! The Courtney date was just overwhelmingly bizzare! From the whole family doing the weird lip move to the fake wedding setup. Crazy . That was all for hype and fueling cattiness on “the girls tell all”. Which im pumped for! Also Lindzi rode in on a horse on the first episode and got a first impression rose for it, so her horse mania was clear then!

    • 1.1
      Kristan says:

      Yes, I was speaking sarcasm. They’ve kind of out played the horse thing, doesn’t she do any other hobbies? Knitting? Making bronzer? Something?????

  2. 2
    Ashley says:

    Holy toledo! I had totally forgotten that Courtney was from Arizona. I am for the first time ever, ashamed to be an Arizonan. What makes it even worse, is that little fake wedding took place 2 miles from my house. If I had only known, I would have rounded up my bachelor loving friends and crashed it. Oh the humanity!

    • 2.1
      Another Ashley says:

      Yes! I felt the same way. I didn’t think about it until they showed up in Arizona and I was like oh no I’m so ashamed she’s from Arizona too. I also like how her dad in his preppy little outfit is very quick to say “Scottsdale, Arizona” and I’m like you’re from Phoenix its ok to say Phoenix, Arizona. Ugh its a shame you didn’t crash the fake wedding

  3. 3
    Jane says:

    OH Wow . . . . . I couldn’t stop laughing! He DOES have a horrible personality and no charm! How about when Crazy-Ass Courtney’s sister spilled the beans to mom and dad about the skinny-dipping??

  4. 4
    Heidi says:

    This season feels a lot like the Jake season all over agian! I’m so annoyed that Courntey is STILL there! Especially after forcing Ben into a crazy fake wedding!! CRAZY!!

  5. 5
    Kim says:

    Hey Kristan,
    You nailed this whole episode. I only wish I had found this blog earlier, so I would not have had to subject myself to such mindless drivel last night. Kasey B. was my personal favorite, but you are right that she is much better off! Thanks for the laugh!

  6. 6
    katie says:

    Last night’s episode was SO super boring! Thank goodness I pvr’d it in east coast time so when I sat down to wath it at 8 o clock i could fast fwd! I look forward to your recap in the morning, it’s pretty much everything I thought when i was watching it last night lol :)

  7. 7
    Julie says:

    Don’t you remember Lindzi riding in on a horse on the first night?! Didn’t she get the first impression rose? I thought adding a carriage to the horse took it all to the next level. Hilarious…hilarious. And Kacie totally made me want to dig out my baton and start twirling!!

  8. 8
    ShannonE says:

    I am so over Ben!! I only watch this train wreck to laugh uncontollably at y’alls comments the next day!! You girls ROCK!! And the highlight of the episode was Nikki’s sequined top…I want it!!

  9. 9
    Paula says:

    I think the fake vows that Courtney recited were a montage of quotes from Sex and the City episodes?? Anyone else catch that too?? BIZARRE

    • 9.1
      Jenafer Lowe says:

      I don’t think it was a montage of quotes so much as what Carrie said to Alexander in “An American Girl in Paris, part deux”. It was awful and so ridiculous to think she could steal lines from someone so cool as Carrie Bradshaw.

  10. 10
    MaryEllen says:

    I only wish the girls would read this blog… so true, so true. “No charm and no personality”… hit it on the head. Whomever he chooses will probably think “oh sh*t”!!! (unless it’s Courtney… in that case, she can have him).

  11. 11
    Rena says:

    Can’t stop laughing!! I’d thought you’d say more aabout the baton twirling, I mean seriously!!! That was sooo weird!

  12. 12
    Karen says:

    Awkward awkward awkard!! Courtney’s fake wedding was just a ploy to get Ben to say nice things to her and tell her how he felt about her.

  13. 13
    Susan says:

    HAHAHA this was really funny and I laughed the entire time. Well done, well done.

  14. 14
    carol says:

    Courtney & Ben deserve each other….they kinda wear their hair the same….just sayin’. The rejected girls are SO lucky!

  15. 15
    Cathy says:

    That was a funny recap. And very accurate too. Hee Hee It made me laugh.

  16. 16
  17. 17
    Heather says:

    I also want to know where to buy Nicki’s sparkly shirt! Thank God she changed from that striped atrocity she had on. LOVE your blog…thanks for the laughs!

  18. 18
    Jessica says:

    Great and true summation. When I heard Ben was the bachelor for this season, I was stoked, thinking he was so sweet. Then I observed his relationship with Courtney, a complete selfish, mean, class-less, arrogent fake. I so desired he would see through her and let her go. But then a change happened. I realized she was the perfect match for Ben. After all, she brought what he so seems to desire, the sexual appeal.Forget a relationship based on a friendship that leads to the rest, just straight up sex appeal. She is a smart girl in that aspect, becasue Courtney laid it all on the line right away & cought him. I am so anticipating the final rose. It will be so fun to watch how to people so shallow can enjoy a happy ‘few moments’ together. As you said, the show has such a high success rate!

  19. 19
    kelly says:

    Your review was hilarious! Loved it!

  20. 20
    Dirose says:

    This was hilarious and can’t wait for your recap for next week’s show. This made my otherwise snowy, windy cold day, a happy one. Thanks!

  21. 21
    Sarah says:

    Thanks for the laugh!

  22. 22
    Janie says:

    Loved the recap – much better than actual episode!
    I’m sorry Kacie B got her heart broken, but IMO, she dodged a major bullet!
    What is up with the obscene amount of makeup on Lindzi – she just looks odd especially next to the other humans.
    Courtney, Courtney, Courtney – oh how incredibly crazy she is! Poor Blind Ben thinks she is there for him when in reality she is only there for herself – a gift she gives to each of us week after week. I’m pretty sure he picks her and to be honest, I think they deserve each other but in the end – he will be dumped because she will have gotten her 15.5 minutes of fame and be on to the next gig.
    Love your wit and charm, keep up the good work and sarcasm!

  23. 23

    Hey! Found your site from ConfessionsOfACookbookQueen’s round up – LOVE this recap. I have not been watching as there are too many other things on Monday nights that are far more entertaining – and after the first few episodes of Courtney I simply couldnt stomach any more. However – its like a train wreck – you cant just NOT know whats going on! Great post and I look very much forward to the next ones!

  24. 24

    How did I not know you did a bachelor recap?? Seriously, I have been missing out! You crack me up when you’re talking about cupcakes, so of course when you talk about the bachelor it’s even funnier. Although I’m sure it helps that there is plenty of material to work with! Love it :)

  25. 25
    Chrissy says:

    WOW. this is the best. His hair is repulsive. And his clothing. And it’s sad that he got rid of the most normal girl there.


  1. [...] The Bachelor this week was totally disgusting.  I’d go on strike from it, but then I’d go into Judgement Withdrawals.  So…still watching.  I’ve got a recap of this week’s episode HERE. [...]

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