This week was the much anticipated “Hometown Dates” episode. I have to say that I found this episode a little boring. I guess the women are much more interesting when they’re crying in hot tubs and fighting for Ben’s affection.
However, a few interesting things did happen (but no hot tub crying…boo).
The episode started in Lindzi’s home state of Florida. Lindzi rode around on her horse, wearing lots of bronze on her face (bronze powder…bronze lipstick…bronze blush…). I found the whole thing a little weird because I didn’t even know Lindzi rode or even liked horses. You’d think that they would have mentioned that like a thousand times by now, but whatever. Ben approached Lindzi and they took off on a carriage ride.
Anytime I see someone riding a carriage, I think about that carriage ride on Seinfeld where Kramer fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno. But alas, this horse was gas free, and the ride went boringly normal.
Lindzi decided that it was time to talk about serious things. I was hanging on to every word, hoping that this would be the big announcement I was waiting for…that she’s incorporating pink blush into her make-up routine!! But alas, she just wanted to talk about her previously failed relationship (weird…did she get dumped before? I can’t believe that she hasn’t already mentioned it a millionty times), and told Ben she’s ready to get married. They then hopped back in the carriage and rode to her parent’s house.
During their chat, Ben and Lindzi found out that her parents were married in the same City Hall where they had their first date in San Fransisco. Everyone marveled at the serendipity of it all, because we all know that is was FATE that brought them there for that date, and not Bachelor Producers. Lindzi’s dad then announced it was time for carriage races, and laid out the rules. Then he said penalized but pronounced it PEENalized and either I am twelve, or that was freaking hilarious.
Ben and Lindzi lost the race and had to pull the parents to the house on the carriage. Because when your daughter brings her fake boyfriend home to meet you so she can win him, it’s always a good idea to force him into humiliating manual labor on national tv.
Back at the house, Ben had an alone talk with Lindzi’s mom, who informed him that Lindzi is inexperienced with relationships because she was always busy with cheer, drill team, and horses. Then she asked Ben to sign the field trip permission slip in Lindzi’s Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, and told him to be sure to get her to her orthodontist appointment on time.
Then Ben and Lindzi’s dad had an alone talk and Ben asked for permission to marry her. Her dad didn’t really give a straight answer, then they all went to roast marshmallows. Ben then went home, confiding that he might be falling in love with Lindzi.
Kacie B.’s date was in her home state of Tennessee. As Ben approached a high school football field, a marching band greeted him, with Kacie twirling her baton among them. Obviously, Bachelor did their casting calls at high schools and all the girls are actually 16 years old. After a final baton flourish, Kacie ran and jumped on Ben, attacking him like the sexy beast that he is. They sat down and had a talk, and she informed him that her dad doesn’t drink. Then Ben got super worried because deep down he knows he is only tolerable if the people around him are half sloshed.
They arrived at Kacie’s parent’s house, and Kacie took her sister aside and confided that Ben was her future husband. I really loved their conversation because it was totally natural and her sister didn’t look or act awkward at all. Meanwhile, Ben was having an alone talk with Kacie’s dad, who said he was a bit skeptical of the show, which is weird to me because it has such a high success rate.
Kacie’s dad said that if they DO end up engaged, he hopes that they date for quite awhile and don’t rush into things, and informed Ben that if Kacie isn’t the one for him, to let her go instead of dragging the process out and making it worse. Ben then confided to the camera that he hoped the talk with Kacie’s mom would go a lot better.
Obviously, Ben is a giant wimp who should be Peenalized.
Ben then had a chat with Kacie’s mom, who told him that they wouldn’t approve of Kacie moving to San Fransisco and living with him, should he propose to her at the finale. In the other room, Kacie’s dad was telling Kacie the same thing. Kacie got frustrated, telling her dad that she and Ben have what none of the other girls have with him, and she feels he is questioning her judgement. Someone should really tell Kacie that bringing a man home who looks like a squirrel died on his head would make any parent question their daughter’s good taste.
The date night ended on a slightly sour note, with Ben and Kacie frustrated that any parent would dare not approve of their child marrying someone they have dated on tv for a couple of months.
The next date was in Nicki’s home state of Texas. Ben met Nicki and they immediately went cowboy boot shopping. There were lots of “finding boots is like finding a husband” analogies, which was pretty dumb if you ask me. They then emerged from the store and Ben was fully decked out in a western shirt, hat, and boots and looked like Woody from Toy Story, only less cool. Nicki was wearing a sequined shirt she hadn’t been wearing when she entered the store, which made me wish they’d talk more about where I could buy the shirt and less about their stupid relationship. They sat down on a bench and talked about Nicki’s previous marriage.
I kind of don’t understand why they always have to beat the “married before” horse to death. I mean, have any of these people ever dated before? Because honestly, you can’t throw a rock in a singles bar without hitting someone who has been divorced. Just saying.
Anyways, after they were finished discussing Nicki’s previous (GASP) marriage (divorce!! Gah!!!), they headed to meet her parents. Basically what happened there is, everyone was super thrilled and her parents pretty much pushed her into Ben’s arms and gave their excited approval. I think Ben spiked their wine with roofies, but there is no proof of this.
Before he left, Nicki pulled Ben aside and told him that she loved him. Ben raised his eyebrows and said, “Oh wow…” because he has a horrible personality and no charm whatsoever. Then they kissed and he left.
Next it was time for Courtney’s home town date in Arizona. Ben met Courtney and they immediately headed to her parents house to meet her mom, dad and sister. Obviously her dad was on a lunch break from his J Crew catalog photo shoot, so it was nice that he was taking the time to meet Courtney’s pretend boyfriend.
Courtney pulled her sister aside and told her that she’s so happy, Ben is so great, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Ben and Courtney’s dad were chatting alone outside. Courtney’s dad asked if Ben was ready to take a gamble on marriage and Ben basically said yes. The dad then said that he wants a son in law and grand kids, and welcomed Ben to the family. I guess once you’ve seen a man’s daughter naked in the ocean, you might as well settle in and start making babies.
Courtney then has a private chat with her mom, where she talked about love and did weird things with her upper lip. Her mom seemed happy, but it she’d be a lot easier to read if her face could move.
Ben and Courtney then left for a wine picnic, and Courtney told Ben that she was ready to be serious with him. They then noticed a wedding set up at the park, and headed over to check it out. Of course, this was all part of Courtney’s evil plot, and she produced two notebooks so she and Ben could write their vows to each other. She then handed Ben a bow tie to wear with his plaid shirt, because apparently she has a thing for Orville Redenbacher.
Ben and Courtney then walked down the aisle and the fake wedding ceremony began. Ben recited his vows, which were all about how honest and real Courtney was. Then Courtney read her vows, which were all about how much she loved him. Ben raised his eyebrows and said, “WOW” again, because he has a horrible personality and no charm. Then they exchanged rope rings and kissed and the fake wedding was complete.
Finally it was time for the rose ceremony. Ben sat with Wizard Chris and recapped all of his home town dates, which was pointless because it was obvious that Chris had been watching in his crystal ball the whole time. Finally he headed to the ceremony and gave a rose to everyone but Kacie B. Obviously he hates people with normal parents.
Kacie B. cried, then she cussed in the limo, which I am sure her dad isn’t very happy about. But trust me when I say she is truly better off in the long run.
The next episode is going to be crazy town, as there is a surprise visitor and Courtney reveals a few things she’s been hiding from Ben.
**You can watch The Bachelor Monday nights at 8/7 Central on ABC