It’s finally over.
While I am happy, because this season’s Bachelor deserves a quick punch in the jaw, I always mourn The Bachelor when it’s over.
My life feels suddenly drama-light. I think I need to get into The Real Housewives of Orange County or something to balance things out.
The whole first 2 hours of the show were really just a technicality. I mean, we all already knew who he chose, so dragging the selection process out was actually torturous.
But let’s do a quick recap, you know, in case you’re a glutton for punishment
The episode opens up in Switzerland with Ben pondering his future with both the ladies…During his voice-over we watch as Lindzi does a lot of gazing and walking down sidewalks and Courtney petting feral cats in cozy sweaters in hopes that would convince us she is nurturing and snuggly.
Next Ben’s mother and sister take the trip out to Switzerland to meet the ladies and give Ben their “seal of approval”. We quickly learn that Ben’s sister is a model-hater and likes to say “red flag” a lot.
First up Lindzi comes to meet the family. Ben has told his mom how she lights up every room that she’s in, failing to inform her that it’s not her sunny personality that lights up said room, but her high beam teeth.
Upon inital formalities they sit down to lunch and LIndzi proceeds to drop all her utensils because “eating proper” is really hard for her. Not only does she love horses, she is apparently from the Old West as well.
Ben’s mom isn’t loving Lindzi’s table manners and decides to take her for a one on one conversation. I have to admit that I tuned out here…my notes are blank. I was too focused on the huge zit Lindzi had on her chin. Is that a zit? Has it always been there? How could I have missed this? Maybe that’s why she always has her chin down? WHAT IS THAT?!
Ben’s sister likes Lindzi, and the date ended. Bah!
Moving on to Courtney. Ben asks his mom and sister to keep an open mind when meeting Courtney, but Ben’s sister was too busy rolling her eyes and dry heaving at the mention of “model” that she didn’t really hear him.
When they all sat down together Courtney instantly opened up about the girls all “judging” her and letting them know no one wanted to bond with her, so she “gave up”. Poor Courtney. It was so hard for her, you know with all the finger gun shooting and “winning”. So, so hard.
No woman likes to hear that other women don’t like you because you’re so pretty. NO WOMAN. And Ben’s mom and sister certainly weren’t the exception to this rule…however, Courtney brought her best baby impression with her and apparently appealed to Ben’s mom and sister’s maternal instinct. Maybe it was the baby dress, maybe it was the baby voice, maybe it was the skipping and lower lip pouting…whatever it was Courtney pulled a win out of her butt and won the family over. Shocker. Ben’s sister isn’t as bad-ass as she made herself out to be.
Next up Ben took the ladies on their final date. Lindzi’s was a ski trip on the Swiss Alps. They took a horse and carriage ride over to the gondola and it felt all wrong with Ben and Lindzi sitting in the carriage…shouldn’t they be pulling? That’s Lindzi’s thing, right?
The gondola ride was basically a death dangle in the middle of the mountains. On the way up to the top of the of the mountains the gondola stopped mid-ride…ABC expected them to have a picnic as they hung suspended. Who can eat in those conditions? Not only eat, but was that a fondue pot I spotted? Fondue in mid-air? No thank you.
Lindzi’s white teeth are super distracting, and I’m think that she did a whitening treatment as she sat in her hotel room while Courtney was meeting Ben’s family. No better way to pass the time besides applying bronzer and whitening your teeth.
That night they had a pow-wow in Lindzi’s hotel room. She opened the door and made some awkward comments. It was like she practiced her opening lines and they didn’t sound nearly as witty in real life as they did in her head. The night goes on to 476 “Ya knows?” and Lindzi telling Ben she handles stress with comedy. Ummm…huh? I don’t remember Lindzi ever being funny. Not one time. It took me back to when they were in the hot tub on their “overnight date” and she told him that she was an “ice queen”. I’m thinking girlfriend should pick a personality and stick with it.
The night ends with Lindzi telling Ben she loves him and him responding, “That’s good.” So heartwarming.
Courtney’s date begins with her giving an interview about winning. She can’t seem to remember Lindzi’s name and says that Ben needs someone with depth and she never saw that side of what’s-her-name. You could see the light bulb go off about half way through her interview where she realized that she was being a witch. She just can’t help herself, can she?
Ben and Courtney go on to “take their relationship to new heights” in a helicopter and they eat, make snow angels and baby talk to each other. It was beautiful.
That night Courtney gives Ben a scrapbook she has been making. So original. And basically begs for affirmation from Ben about his feelings. She squeezes some tears out and Ben decides to leave.
The next day Ben picks a ring from his old friend Neil Lane and the women get dressed in their best capes for the final rose.
Of course Lindzi arrives first. They make her walk 3 miles through the woods to get to Ben, which is just mean. You know her heels were sinking into the ground.
Ben tells her that he doesn’t want to spend his life with her and her horse and she is speechless for about 5 minutes. Finally they say their goodbyes, where she says the best line in Bachelor history, “If things don’t work out, call me”. Awesome Lindzi. She then gives him a back pat and goes back home to the range.
Courtney’s helicopter arrives next and blah blah blah Ben proposes. After a few “Oh My Dad’s” later he claims to love her forever (or at least until the next issue of US Weekly comes out) and they stand together in the most unromantic proposal ever.
Now. To the part we were all waiting for. After the Final Rose.
Chris Harrison asked us to all “hold our judgement” which actually made me laugh out loud.
Ben came out looking like he hadn’t showered or shaved in a week. So basically he looked like he always does.
Chris mentions to Ben that he had “more warnings than any other Bachelor” about Courtney, to which Ben responded something to effect of “no one gave me any real details” they just said “Courtney was weird” and that’s cool with me.
At this point I came out of my seat and pulled a Marlon Brando… “EMILYYYYYYYYYYY“, I yelled. Why didn’t Chris Harrison call him out on this? Whenever a woman tried to tell him of Courtney’s evil ways he told them to “tread lightly” and to mind their own beeswax. All the women were scared to say anything because it was basically the kiss of death. OWN THAT BEN. Geez.
Chris then brings up the recent images in the tabloids of Ben kissing other women and asked for Ben’s side of the story. Well, Ben DENIED it. DENIED! Not only did he discredit the pictures he swore on is dad’s grave which I thought was especially douchey. I’m not sure if he realizes that people have eyes and can SEE pictures. It’s called hard evidence.
Let’s take a look at Ben NOT kissing other women…form your own opinion.
They bring out Courtney next in full-on victim mode. She realizes that since the photos have surfaced she has the upper hand. (Her make-up looked really good, though. I did notice that.) She talks about how Ben “abandoned” her during the airing of the show. And really milked the sympathy card. There was a lady in the audience who kept laughing when Courtney was talking.. these are things I grab onto.
Finally they bring Ben out with Courtney and they let us know that they are still in love and gonna work it out. He puts a ring back on it and they live happily ever after. *snigger
The rest of the show was filled with Ashley and JP talking about their life…which translates into Shelly fast-forwarding.
And that was it. Where was Lindzi? Doesn’t the runner up usually make an appearance to “confront” the Bachelor and get her “questions answered?
What do you think of the finale and what’s the over/under on Ben and Courtney not lasting 2 months?
Are you gonna tune into Emily as The Bachelorette?
What a season. Sigh.