I will preface this all with saying thank the Lord this season is almost over.
I am not sure how much more of this nonsense I can take.
Of course I will hang in there, because, well, honestly we all know I live for this junk…but I do have to say this is the worst season in Bachelor history.
So let’s start at the beginning.
We get to follow Ben as he travels to Switzerland and reminisces on all the heart-warming moments he has had with the remaining 3 ladies…in his own words:
Nicki ~ She’s so “gentle” and “caring” and “nurturing”…at this point I knew Nicki didn’t stand a chance. He just described either my Grandma or a really faithful German Shepard…either way, not someone he wants to do the dirty with. We got to flashback on all Nicki’s unfortunate wardrobe selections and sigh at her misuse of skinny jeans. Poor Nicki.
Lindzi ~ Horse, horse, horse. horse, bad break up, bad break up, bad break up, bronzer, bronzer, bronzer, horse, horse, horse. That is all.
Courtney ~ Magical forces pull us together. She is “extraordinarily unique”, “exciting” (which translates to “model”) and he says the fact that she is so “nerdy” is why he holds her in such high regard. He literally said that. He holds her in high regard because she’s nerdy. I paused my dvr and vomited.
At this point we were able to watch a montage of some of Courtney’s finer moments, ie-”Winning”, “Oh Snap”, “verbally assault” and then Ben says he does have a few concerns about our season’s numero uno villian. Just a few concerns, though.
After Ben travels on a super fancy plane to Switzerland we are all able to ogle the gorgeousness that is the Swiss landscape. If I take nothing else away from this dreadful season, it will be that I must go to Switzerland asap. Really gorg.
The 1st date that Ben has is with Nicki the nurturer. The are whisked off on a (what else!) helicopter to look down on Switzerland and say “Majestic” no less than 45 times. We get to listen to super insightful nuggets of wisdom, how their relationship is “soaring to new heights” and that even though they are flying they are still “grounded” while taking this “wild ride”. UGH.
The helicopter pilot must have felt my pain because the only way he could stop these nincompoops from speaking was to nosedive the chopper.
They pilot kicked them out atop a super high mountain where they had a (who wouldda guessed!?) picnic. They rehashed how Nicki told him how she loved him and totally didn’t regret it. At all. No regrets.
They had dinner together next and Ben decided they needed to get down to bidness, STAT! He whips out his “Fore-go your individual room card” just to get Nicki to stop saying I love you. Of course she agreed and they took their skeleton key back to the fantasy suite to take their relationship to the “next level”. Of course the jacuzzi was all fired up and all I kept thinking about was that creepy key and how I would never go into a room that a key like that would actually unlock.
The 2nd date of the show went to Lindzi. They went to the “Extreme Sports Capital” of the world. Ben makes Courtney do super sporty stuff all the time…maybe because he knows she likes to wear dirt for make-up and owns a (who knew?!) horse. He told her the were going repelling, which apparently translates in Swiss to “being lowered really slowly”. They fake pretended that they were super scared, and tried to desperately think of some repelling analogies that would apply. Ben said “Oh My Dad”…which I suppose is a sweet sentiment for his dearly departed Pop, but all I kept thinking was, “Please stop trying to make that happen”.
After strenuously begin lowered, they were in desperate need of a hot tub. Thank goodness that there was one right there waiting for them! Phew! I am pretty sure that ABC has a whole “hot tub” department. Poor interns who are assigned finding hot tub laden locales to shoot. It’s a dirty job for sure. The talked for a little bit and Lindzi said “Ya know” about 400 times after referring to herself as an “Ice Queen”. An Ice Queen? Huh? There is nothing icy about you, honey. You are perennially bronze, your roots are horrendously dark and your teeth are far too white. Plus you are a horse person. Can horse people BE icy? I’m thinking no.
They go to dinner where Ben produces another Skeleton Key and Lindzi accepts his proposal to “fore-go her individual room”, not before giving the disclaimer that “she wouldn’t normally do this”. Umm, ok Lindz. I’m not sure I believe that little line so much after watching your sexy-time moves on that bed with a million yellow pillows. I’m kinda thinking this might not be your first rodeo.
Finally it’s Courtney’s date. The ABC stylists got a hold of Ben this episode. There was a nary a stripey tank to be found. He was clad in super-trendy jackets, skinny jeans and even a few man-scarfs.
Ben tells us prior to the date that he thinks the way that Courtney treated the other ladies was “messed up”. That Ben is such a poet. What I really think is that he wanted to voice his concerns out loud so we, the viewers, didn’t think he was a total tool-bag for being blinded by Courtney’s modelness.
They met and began discussing in little detail, her behavior with the other women. She, in part, admitted to acting rude all while rationalizing the reasons why she acted so jerky, Ben decided that he wanted stay ignorant to Courtney’s meanness until the appropriate time presented itself, saying he wanted to enjoy the day. Man the heck UP, Ben. For real! You don’t want to ruin your date by talking?
Later that night they continued their conversation where she told Ben she wanted to have “normal” in her life to balance out some of her crazy and because she desperately wanted the chance to receive a skeleton key to show Ben that she would be up for a little more skinny dipping. Ben accepted her lame apology because he was looking for a little more skinny dipping too and they hugged it out. Courtney’s back-tracking is painful to watch..she is so obviously trying to smooth over the show’s first act that chronicled her actual personality. It’s a hard thing squeezing tears out and trying to make us feel sorry for the fact that you are just too pretty for other females to possibly get a long with. Good luck Ben’s sister and Mother…I am sure it will be fine.
They relocated to the fantasy suite where, apparently, the ABC Hot Tub department was unable to find a room with a Jacuzzi. Luckily they have some fast thinkers over there and were quick to fashion a hot tub out of a bucket and a few gallons of hot water. Your ingenuity is not lost on me. Bullet dodged.
Next we were bore to tears as we watched a “sneak peek” at Emily’s upcoming season of The Bachelorette.
I guess ABC thought that Emily could use some guidance, so they teamed her up with Ashely and Ali to go short-skirt shopping. They decided to prepare her on what’s to come by making her try on accessories and watch The Titanic in 3D. All I learned from these 10 minutes is that Ashley is a movie-talker and that no one looks good in 3D glasses. The end.
Now in a highly hyped moment ABC decide to fly Kacie B. to Switzerland and demand answers. I mean, it had been all of a half an episode since we last saw her and I honestly was wondering what had ever become of Kacie B? Hadn’t you? Unfortunately, Kacie hadn’t learned from season’s past that coming back and demanding answers never works.
I couldn’t help but think of what a long plane ride for 10 awkward minutes of Ben telling her that he “respected her too much to keep her”. Kacie B realized she was getting no where with Ben so she decided to pull out the big guns and warn Ben off Courtney all the while saying nothing concrete…just a very vague and looming warning. “Be careful”, she said. Kasie exited with a pat on the back and a look of anger from Ben. She then pulled a Fedotowsky and collapsed onto the floor of the hotel hallway.
The rose ceremony followed where Ben predictably got rid of Nicki.
Next week is “the Women Tell All” which should be one giant Courtney bash-fest. I am sure I will enjoy every last second of it.