The Bachelor ~ The Women Tell All Recap

The Women Tell All is usually my least favorite episode during The Bachelor season, but for once, I was really looking forward to it.  ABC has hyped it up for quite some time now, even allowing Courtney to show up to defend herself (the first time one of the final two has been present for the taping).

For me, the show didn’t quuiiiite live up to the hype.  I guess I was expecting some Jerry Springer type cray cray, but all I got was a bunch of whining and crying and clamoring over supposedly hot and amazing Mr. Ben.  It’s almost like Courtney’s antics completely overshadowed Ben’s awful hair, incoherent mumblings, and general inability to express any type of genuine emotion.

The episode opened with Chris Harrison talking about what else…Courtney.  Why did Ben keep her there for so long?  What did the ladies have to say about what they’ve seen?  And how does her lower lip feel about being portrayed so unflatteringly during the entire season?

But first…Chris wanted to share footage from a recent Bachelor cast reunion at the Mirage in Las Vegas.

The Reunion was just a thinly veiled attempt to promote the upcoming season of The Bachelor Pad, and confirmed what we all already know — that The Bachelor is nothing but a love carousel, with all former members hopping on and off of different horses all willy nilly.  Do these people realize that they’re adults and they’re being filmed?  And that there are actually other single people available all through the land?

After panning the camera over several former contestants sloppily making out, they decided to have an interview with Ed, the former fiance of Bachelorette Jillian Harris.  If you remember, it was widely reported that Ed had several girlfriends at home, and was a giant cheater face.  Ed however, smoothly lied to the camera, claiming that he and Jillan’s relationship failed because of her “constant traveling”.

Sure Ed, whatever you say.

Ryan P (Mr. Shiny and Happy) from Ashley’s season was next, and apparently he is one hot number at these Bachelor Reunions.  Sort of reminded me of when there is a new guy in high school and all the girls are just excited because it’s something new.  Women were lining up for him, and the other men at the reunion were shaking their heads in confusion.

Former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowski was at the reunion as well, as was Frank, the man who she probably would have chosen at the end of the whole thing if he hadn’t left early because of unresolved issues with a girl he loved back home.  Apparently both Ali and Frank are single now, and the attraction is still there.  It seemed to be hinted at that both would be on the upcoming season of the Bachelor Pad, which will definitely be interesting to watch.

Finally the Reunion Footage wrapped up and Chris introduced the angry mob women.  Chris started off by asking what the first night on the show was like. Nikki replied that she was so excited because she had loved Ben from Ashley’s season and had been praying that he would be the next Bachelor.  Then I threw up in my mouth a little.

Chris then showed a clip of season highlights, starting with the women talking about how hot and handsome Ben was, then slowly making it’s way towards the season’s more awkward moments, with a few select Blakely highlights, Jamie’s “be a sex kitten and seduce Ben” moment, and closing with the famous Ben and Courtney skinny dipping scene.

I’m fairly certain I saw steam come out a few of the girls ears.

Chris promised that they’d get to Courtney later (it was a scheme to let the anger build to a boiling point, I’m sure of it) and started questioning Blakely about why she was so competitive.  Blakely calmly stated that she was “there for Ben” and not “there to make friends”.  I have my own opinions about women who say things like that, which (putting it nicely) is that they are usually skanky and trifling.  Blakely also claimed that she was “too mature” for the other women, which is puzzling because mature people usually don’t wear baby onesies:

Jaclyn (Mindy McCready’s doppleganger) and Samantha had some choice words for Blakely.  I found them to be surprisingly passionate, considering that neither of them made it very far on the show.  Obviously, they had appointed themselves the “leaders” of the angry woman mob and they were certainly representing.

Chris then questioned Brittney about leaving the show.  Brittney said that she was not attracted to Ben at all, and didn’t want to take a crucial date away from a woman who had feelings for him.  Crazy Samantha began calling her a liar, saying that she only left because of drama with the girls, etc.  The whole thing was really confusing for me.  Why did Samantha even care that she left?  It’s almost like she just wanted something to yell about.

 Chris then brought out Shawntel from Brad’s season of The Bachelor.  He played the clip of her crashing the rose ceremony, and the women making their crazy faces, calling her dumpster trash and making fun of her thighs (seriously…did Ben hand out gold coins prior to Rose Ceremonies?  I just cannot fathom women being this passionate about him if money was not somehow involved)  I actually felt really bad for Shawntel.  I think her feelings for Ben were genuine and the women really stooped to very low and bullyish levels.  Shawntel said that the clip was hard to watch and she didn’t understand why the women attacked her so personally.  The women began to talk over each other and simultaneously defend themselves and apologize.  Shawntel ended her interview by saying she had no regrets.

Next was an interview with Emily.  After viewing a clip of her dates with Ben, she says that after watching the season she realizes that he was disrespectful and his mind was clouded because of skinny dipping with Courtney.  She ended her interview by saying “if he chose Courtney, he made his bed and he can lie in it”.

Chris then began interviewing Nikki.  He showed multiple clips of her saying she was “in love” with Ben, then ended the video by showing Ben choose Courtney over her.  At this point, the women in the audience were foaming at the mouth and waving pitchforks around.  Chris asked Nikki a few questions, all revolving around her love for Ben.  “When did you think you were in love?”  “When did you KNOW you were in love”  “How did you feel telling Ben you were in love?”  Somehow, Nikki managed to answer the questions with a smile on her face, and didn’t punch Chris Harrison even once.

Kacee B was next.  Like the women before her, she was forced to watch a humiliating video of herself saying how in love she was with Ben, then getting dumped and crying in the limo.  Kacee said she had trouble finding closure because she was so certain that Ben was going to choose her in the end. Chris, determined to make us all believe in “the process,” reminded her several times that although she didn’t end up with Ben, the show did “work for her” because she found love.

Dear Chris Harrison,

Crying in a limo on national TV doesn’t “work” for anyone.

Sincerely,
Get a clue

Finally Chris started building up to Courtney’s grand entrance by showing a video comprised of clips of her finest moments.  There was lots of lip squinching, “winning”, talking to a rose in a baby voice, and skinny dipping.  Casey S., the only girl who managed to befriend Courtney during the season, defended her, saying that the only reason the girls didn’t like Courtney was because she stayed in her room a lot.

Did Casey S actually watch the season?  Because when Courtney was supposed to be in her room she was actually swimming naked with Ben.

Chris finnnalllllyyyy introduced Courtney, who walked out amidst the girls sighing, rubbing their heads, and looking majorly stressed.  Courtney told Chris that she was “terrified”,  and the angry mob of women cackled loudly.   What followed was basically the women yelling and demanding answers while Courtney apologized over and over.  None of the girls seemed to buy it and were convinced that she was there only to rehabilitate her image.

Courtney lamented to Chris that if she would have realized how the press would react, she never would have acted that way on the show.  Because calling women names, taking off your clothes, and being too faced on a popular national TV show isn’t a well known blueprint for becoming a tabloid villain?  My theory is that Courtney LOVED the idea of being a villain at the time, thinking it would get the attention she needed to help her career.  Now it has backfired and she doesn’t know what to do .

Courtney told the women that unfortunately, The Bachelor doesn’t come with a manual on how to act.  Actually…it does.  It’s called previous seasons.  Vienna 101.

 Jenna the blogger had a few choice and surprisingly coherent words for Courtney, then Blakely piped in and demanded that she retract her statements about being a stripper.  Courtney finally starting looking like she might cry, and The Bachelor cut to commercial because Courtney obviously hasn’t mastered the “flowing tears” part of her acting classes yet.

Ben was up in front of the firing squad next, and the women took it surprisingly easy on him.  None of them even pretended to think that he possibly chose Lindzi, all alluding to the fact that he chose Courtney at the end and they are no longer together.  I guess that’s why they were so nice to him, hoping that maybe they still stand a chance.

Ben’s interview portion was surprisingly short.  Obviously The Bachelor is in damage control mode and is hoping that we get so wrapped up in Courtney’s self destruction that we forget that once again, The Bachelor chose a total phony at the end.

The show ended with a blooper reel and a preview of next week’s episode.  Like we don’t already know what happens.

You can watch the season finale of the Bachelor on Mon day 3/12 at 8/7 Central on ABC.