Real Housewives of New Jersey ~ Episode 4

This weeks episode opened with Kathy and Rich discussing what else?  The Solstice party.  As Kathy described the fight between Melissa and Teresa, Rich finally told his wife that he was over it.  Kathy told him she felt bad for Teresa because she was going through tough times, to which Rich responded that Teresa doesn’t ADMIT to any of these tough times.  He compared Teresa to a cancer and said she needed to be removed from their life.  Kathy decided that she wanted to invite both Melissa and Teresa to her kid’s end of school pool party.

Rich warned her that if Teresa embarrassed their kids, she would never be invited back.

I have to say that he is really becoming my favorite.

Caroline and Albert were also discussing the party, and Caroline observed that Teresa hates Melissa for existing.  Albert said he wouldn’t choose teams, and he just wanted to stay out of it.  Why does it seem like he and Rich have more sense than anyone else?

Back at the Giudice home, Juicy Joe was busy showing his manliness by huffing, puffing, and sweating profusely as he hit and kicked a punching bag.  Training for prison, maybe?

Sorry, I forgot.  It’s called GOING AWAY.

Joe decided to take a break before he had a heart attack and announced that he needed to take a dump.  Wow.  I mean, just when I thought he couldn’t get any sexier, right?  Teresa decided to describe the Solstice party fight to him (he never did leave to go to the bathroom…was he holding it?).  Of course in Teresa’s version, she was nicely discussing things with Melissa when Melissa started screaming, stomping, and demanding and apology out of nowhere.  Poor Teresa!!  Joe stated that Melissa was nothing but a gold digger and a tramp.  He knew LOTS of men that Melissa had “went with” prior to her marriage to Joey, PLUS she has a horse face.

I guess lots of men like horse faces?

Joe added that Teresa’s brother should really be named JoeSEPHINE and he would gladly tell him to HIS FACE!!  Maybe that is what he was training for?  His final words of wisdom to Teresa were that Caroline is boring,  Kathy looks like a frog, and Rosie is nothing but a Butchy Boy.   All Teresa needs, he said, is him.

Obviously, Joe doesn’t own any mirrors.  That’s all I’m saying.

Meanwhile, Melissa was also discussing the Solstice party fight with her brother Joey.  Their conversation went a lot more calmly than the one in the Guidice home, with Joey shaking his head and basically saying that he wasn’t surprised.

Teresa arrived at Jaqueline’s house to work with her trainer.  It kind of reminded me of that scene in Bridesmaids, where they try to sneak and use the boot camp without paying.  Only, Kristen Wiig was really cool, and Teresa just looked like a hot mess.

Jaqueline tried to talk to Teresa about her feelings on the fight the night before, and how Teresa was putting her in the middle.  Teresa bullied her, saying that she was her friend the longest and her loyalty needed to be to her.  Jaqueline tried to explain that Teresa was still friends with Dina when she and Jaqueline weren’t speaking, and it wasn’t an issue.  Teresa then reminded Jaqueline that she is the boss of all things, can do whatever she wants, and does not have to be accountable or acknowledge anything ever.

Okay, she didn’t, but she might as well have.

During their pretend workout, Kathy called to invite Teresa to the end of school pool party.  Teresa said that although she was concerned about drama with her brother and Melissa, she guessed, she could make it.  I’m guessing she was counting the minutes until it started.

Over in Caroline land, Albert took her to the Jaguar dealer to surprise her with an anniversary car.  It was really sweet and nice, but the anniversary stuff was really getting lost in all the Solstice Melissa/Jaqueline drama.  It’s almost as though Bravo stuck it in just to prove that RHONJ hasnt turned into the Melissa and Teresa Show.

At the End of School Pool Party later in the week, almost no one showed up.  Kathy was confused, but Rich confided that he warned the kids that they would probably end up embarrassed by Teresa, so they shouldn’t invite many people.  It really kind of ticked me off with Kathy.  I know she meant well, but couldn’t she let the kids have their party without any drama?

Caroline and Jaqueline both called to tell Kathy that they couldn’t make it to the party.  Kathy got upset because she really needed potato salad, macaroni salad, and lemon ice.  But I guess that is the price you pay when you invite Teresa to your party.  Not only do your kids miss their friends, but they also have to go without side dishes and dessert.

Melissa and Joey arrived at the pool party, followed by Teresa who was without Joe.  She told Kathy that he was at some important meetings but I have a feeling he was dodging actually having to call Joey JOSEPHINE to his face.  Rosie offered Teresa some sangria, vodka, or white wine, and Teresa acted put out, wondering if Rosie could prepare her a “frozen” drink like a margarita.  Again with the mooching.  Sigh.

As Rich sat with Joey and observed the awkward silence between the families, he suggested that maybe therapy would be a good option for Joey and Melissa.  Joey immediately replied that they don’t do things that way and his parents would find it extremely disrespectful.  Apparently getting into fistfights at christenings is the more honorable way of handling things.

Joey finally decided to get to the bottom of things and called Teresa over.  Teresa approached extremely nervously, playing on her phone, dusting off the chair…anything to stall.  Her brother calmly told her that he didn’t want to fight, at which Teresa immediately stared bawling.  She said it was because she was stressed and tired of fighting, but I think she was scared of facing him after how she behaved towards his wife.

And this is where the conversation got weird, extremely creepy and awkward, and I believe we got to the truth of the whole problem Teresa has with Melissa — Jealousy to the point of inappropriateness.  Teresa started by telling Joey that he was no longer her brother because he ruined the trust when he told his wife that she had accused her of wanting to leave him for a richer man.  She said things were fine until he betrayed her trust, and that he should never tell his wife about their conversations.  She told him that if he wanted to be her brother, he needed to be the old Joey who was at her house EVERY day before he was married.  Joey asked her point blank what he had done wrong, and she replied that he changed since getting married and stopped putting her first.  She said that she always put him before her husband but when he got married, he didn’t do the same.

Let’s review:  Teresa said that she no longer has a relationship with her brother because he tells his wife everything, doesn’t come to her house every day, and doesn’t put her before his wife.  Basically, she’s mad at him for being married and she wants him to treat HER like his wife.  It’s so dysfunctional and warped that I don’t even know where to begin.

Joey, for his part, stayed very calm.  He asked her to be normal and told her she has gotten lost in life, and that she doesn’t know how to admit when she’s wrong.  There was a point when he called himself an Angel from God, which was weird, but after all the crap he’s put up with, I guess I understand that point of view.

The discussion ended with Teresa calling him the “meanest brother ever” and storming out.

Typical.

Next week looks interesting…all the families are competing in a Field Day, which I didn’t even know adults did.  It’s almost like a dysfunctional Italian episode of The Brady Bunch, complete with a Three Legged Race.  Yay!!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 10/9 central.