As you may remember if you caught the season premier, the “Emily” version of the Bachelorette promises to be a bit different. Instead of California they are filming in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, and her daughter Ricki is a part of Emily’s life during the show.
Either “different” is going to be extremely boring, or surprisingly refreshing. I haven’t decided yet.
The episode opened with Emily and her friends sitting around a picnic table talking while Ricki played with a friend. It was obviously supposed to be showcasing Emily’s every day life, but it came across as scripted and uncomfortable. The women chatted for a few minutes about Emily’s upcoming date, then Emily thanked the women for taking Ricki to soccer practice later.
My son is not in soccer, but apparently it takes 3 women to take a child to practice. I’m filing that away for future reference.
Back at the Man Mansion, Chris Harrison called the men to the courtyard, where he proceeded to explain how the individual dates, group dates, and rose ceremonies would go down. On his way out, he left the first Date Card behind, which turned out to be for Ryan (the Pro Sports Trainer from Georgia). The date card said Be My King in Queen City. Kalon privately told the camera that he hoped Ryan would not get a rose on the date and would be sent home. Then he laughed maniacally and spun his pinky ring a few times.
Okay, I might have made that last part up.
The men lounged around the pool as Emily arrived to pick Ryan up for their date. Emily was “dressed down” by their standards. Personally, I don’t think they’ve ever seen a real housewife, because skinny jeans are not normally part of MY”kickin it around town” uniform, but they are obviously romantics who need a few good lessons about life.
As the got in the Tahoe, Ryan revealed to the camera that he hoped they were headed to a plane or a hot air balloon. As they pulled up to Emily’s house, she informed them that their afternoon would consist of carrying in groceries and baking cookies for Ricki’s soccer team. Ryan was a good sport about it, but you could tell he was hiding his disappointment. Honestly, I don’t trust him. His hair is just too complicated for me. There are some bangs, a sideways sweep thing, then a bit of spike in the back. It’s a little too much, and I think he’s trying to distract from his ingenuine personality. Sorry.
They got to work baking the cookies, and I’m sure they talked about lots of life changing things but all I could think about was,why were they using a whisk to make chocolate chip cookies? Living in the big fancy house, SURELY Emily has an electric mixer somewhere? I was really worried for the cookies. I mean, I’m sure the dough tasted fine, but they definitely weren’t going to have any volume. You cream the butter for a reason, people.
Back at the Man Mansion, the guys were obsessing over Ryan and Emily’s date. I really wished they would go watch a football game or something and give it a rest. Seriously…they say WE over analyze stuff??
Emily and Ryan arrived at Ricki’s softball practice. After explaining to Ryan that she wasn’t ready for him to meet Ricki yet, she left him in the car while she ran on to the field to drop off snacks. I guess the cookies were in the container she was carrying, but I never actually SAW them. Probably because they were flat and awful from the whisk mixing and she had to stop at Safeway for some Chips Ahoy.
Emily dropped Ryan off to change and told him they’d meet back up for dinner. She later met him, waiting in front of a fancy car for him to drive. As they pulled up to a local restaurant, there was a huge crowd waiting and a red carpet waiting on them. They both acted like it was totally normal, then went inside the empty restaurant to eat.
As they ate dinner, Emily immediately jumped in to some serious questions. She asked Ryan how many girlfriends he’d had, to which he replied two. The problem, Ryan said, was that he wanted a girl he could “chase”. Seriously, it sounded so ridiculous and cliche and I felt like he was trying to distract from the fact that if he has only had 2 REAL relationships, that means there is a string of girls who…well, didn’t count as an actual “relationship” if you know what I mean. Emily asked what would he do once he HAD the girl and no longer had to chase her, to which he had no real answer. He fed her some nonsense about a lot of men seeing the show as a competition and that she needed to pick a man who was there for the right reasons, but that was just a diversion in my opinion.
Back at Man Mansion, the group Date Card arrived. Jef, Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, John, Charlie, Kyle, Tony, Michael, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon’s names were on the card along with the phrase, Let’s Set the Stage for Love. While some of the guys were a bit apprehensive about a date that would obviously involve performing, Kalon gleefully told them that he was the lead in his First Grade play, Pinocchio.
Is this guy for real?
Back at the restaurant, Ryan told Emily how beautiful she looked earlier in her “mom clothes”. Probably because those are NOT MOM CLOTHES. To his surprise, Emily led him outside where the crowd was still cheering and taking pictures and the band Gloriana was putting on a concert. Emily and Ryan danced on a small platform while the band sang and people stood around them taking pictures on their phone. It looked awkward and really embarrassing. The date ended with Ryan and Emily making goo goo eyes at each other and pretending that standing on a tiny platform dancing around tons of cheering strangers was perfectly normal.
The next day, Emily met the 13 guys for their group date. They are in a theater, and she tells them that they will be putting on a performance to raise money for the Ricky Hendricks Center for Intensive Care. Charlie was immediately nervous, because his fall from a balcony left him with a speech impediment that he is still self conscious about. Emily then surprised the men with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog, who would be performing with them in the show.
The men were given assignments–some would be dancing, some singing together, and a few would be doing stand up comedy with Fozzie Bear. Of course, Charlie was chosen for stand up comedy which I’m SURE was pure coincidence and NOT a cruel joke by the producers. Poor Charlie sat and stressed for awhile before realizing that he just couldn’t do it. He approached Emily privately and explained his situation, asking if he could be part of the singing or dance number instead, where he would be with a group of people instead of performing alone. Emily was extremely sympathetic and put him with the men singing Rainbow Connection.
I really like Charlie a lot. He might not be the most eloquent, but he seems down to earth and genuine and I really felt for him. I hope he goes far in the show.
The performance started in front of a large crowd. First there was a dance number, then comedy with Kyle and John, who were completely boring and un-funny. Suddenly, Miss Piggy took the stage with a talk show set up, which had not been discussed previously. She called three men to come sit and be interviewed — Jef, Aaron, and Charlie. Apparently Charlie got off the hook too easy with the singing and the producers were bound and determined to make him sweat. Miss Piggy asked him what he would tell a woman that he wanted to impress and he responded, “I would remind her every day how beautiful she is, how special she makes me feel, and how lucky I am to have her in my life”.
Then I died a little inside.
Emily and Ricki had a cute moment singing Rainbow Connection with Kermit and the show ended as the rest of the men came out to join.
After a night of performing, the men headed to a rooftop cocktail party to spend some time with Emily. Emily pulled Chris (the Gerard Butler look alike) aside first, telling him that she loved that he was so good looking but not obnoxious about it. Chris accepted the comment humbly and gracefully, proving that he is probably a guy worth getting to know a little more. As he left the conversation, he confided to the camera that he doubted anyone else would have the same connection with Emily that he had.
Next up was Jef, who Emily was frustrated with because of his aloofness towards her. I really like Jef a lot, but he is not Emily’s type and I think we all know it. He needs to hop on over to the Bachelor Pad and make time with Ali Fedotowsky, if you ask me. Jef responded to Emily that the situation with all the other men competing for her time was a bit awkward, and Emily said that he reminded her a lot of herself on Brad’s season. As Jef left the conversation, he told the camera that it was probably the best talk anyone had with her yet.
Maybe he and Chris should compare notes?
Back at the mansion the date card arrived for Joe, the Dawson look alike. I was a little surprised because it is fairly obvious to me that he and Emily are not a match. But apparently she wanted to give him a whirl because he got a one on one date with a card that read, Come Close to My Heart.
At the mansion, Stevie and Emily were dancing together as the other men giggled and spied on them. Kalon observed that the men seemed more interested in hanging out together than spending time with Emily.
Spoken like a true Bachelor/Bachelorette villain.
Kalon finally decided to take matters into his own hands and asked to cut in to Stevie and Emily’s dance time. Although I don’t like Kalon, I did feel like he was justified because Stevie was being a real time hog. Mere seconds into their conversation alone, Aaron (the biology teacher) arrived to interrupt, to which Kalon asked for two more minutes. Again — I cannot stand Kalon, but I did see his point. Aaron decided to make things super awkward by insisting, and Kalon gave in because according to him, he was raised as a gentlemen.
On the rooftop, Kalon described his awkward encounter with Aaron to Jef. Stevie, VERY obviously inebriated, said that he had no room to complain because he interrupted him and Emily as well, and tells him that he is a douche. The men go back and forth a few times, which was a bit ridiculous and I can’t say that Stevie came out looking very good. Emily then returned upstairs, where to Chris’s shock, she gave the rose of the evening to Jef.
Finally it was time for Emily and Joe’s date. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing, because Joe seemed such an odd match for her. As Joe got in a limo, Emily told the camera that she thought he looked like Matthew McConaughey, confirming that her eyes do not work at all. Either that, or Joe is magic.
Joe’s limo arrived at a runway, where Emily was waiting for him in front of a jet. She informed him that they would be headed to her home state of West Virginia. As the jet left the runway, Joe yelled, “WEST VIRGINIA, HERE WE COME!!!!!” and I have to say that his fate was probably sealed in that very moment. No one likes a person who screams on airplanes.
After landing in West Virginia, Joe and Emily rode in the back of an antique car that pulled up to Greenbrier Hotel and Resort. Emily explained that it was a place that had been very special to her as a young girl, and Joe seemed very excited to share it with her. They went inside and jumped in the HUGE indoor pool together, which was completely empty. Either because they evacuated it because a kid pooped in it, or they emptied the entire hotel just for Emily’s benefit.
Back at Man Mansion, the men were discussing the situation with Emily having a child. Kalon said that he always imagined his first child being his birth child, so accepting Ricky as his own would be hard and he would “cross that bridge” when he came to it. Brad, the father of the 11 year old, told the men that they needed to prepare themselves because he understood that Ricki was the most important person in Emily’s life and if they couldn’t handle it, they shouldn’t be there. Kalon made a comment to Brad about him putting “fatherhood on hold” to be on the show and of course Brad got super angry and defensive. He and Kalon went back and forth a few times and Brad cut him off, telling him to “check it”. Obviously, Kalon is a master at putting his foot in his mouth and Brad is a master at 90s lingo.
Back at the Greenbrier, Emily and Joe met for a fancy dinner. Emily revealed that she didn’t feel a spark with Joe and hopes that he would reveal a side of himself at dinner that would make her think they had a future together. During dinner, Joe was very kind and complimentary of Emily, but it felt very unnatural and there was obviously no chemistry. I felt really bad because he said all the right things and seemed really genuine…it just wasn’t working.
Emily asked Joe where he saw himself in five years, to which he replied, “happy”. Happy with his job and relationship, which wasn’t ambiguous and a cop out AT ALL, then finished it by saying that he would pack up and move if the show ended with the two of them. It almost seemed like he knew what was coming and it was a last ditch effort.
Emily and Joe headed over to this thing called the “Love Clock”, where they each wrote their love wishes and read them out loud before placing them inside the clock. Joe wished to come back to the Greenbrier some day with Emily, Ricki, and her parents, and Emily wished that she “had learned from the past what stands the test of time”. They went to sit back down and Emily began to cry and told Joe that he was not the man for her. Joe seemed embarrassed and surprised, and left very abruptly. As he walked away, he thanked her for the opportunity, which was a little weird. Maybe he thought he was at a job interview?
The whole time I kept thinking, did Emily really have to make him read his love wish right before dumping him?
Finally it was time for the Rose Ceremony, where all the men vied for time alone with Emily.
First, she sat down with Arie the race care driver. Arie is cute, seems nice and genuine, and he and Emily have good chemistry. I hope he stays awhile.
Meanwhile, the other men were discussing making their move. Tony was desperate for alone time, and as he sees Ryan talking with Emily, he becomes distraught. RYAN ALREADY HAS A ROSE!! He decided to go interrupt, and right as he does, Ryan says that will let him have time with Emily AFTER she reads a letter that he wrote her OUT LOUD. He then asked her if she felt like it was Christmas and if she was excited.
Um..no. My husband knows better than to give me a letter for Christmas. Trust me on this.
As Emily sat and read the longest letter of all time (if this thing was on a scroll, it would have unrolled for miles), Ryan sat grinning from ear to ear, just soaking it up. Tony stood there awkwardly, frustrated, but determined. Finally, the letter came to an end and Tony got his time. He talked to Emily about having a son of his own, and walked away feeling confident that they had the strongest connection of all.
Much to the fury of the other men, Kalon snagged alone time with Emily. While he and Emily talked, the other men watched and talked angrily. John “Wolf” observed that Kalon had Louis Vuitton luggage and any “dude” who had that was a BLEEP. I don’t know what the bleeped word was but I probably agree. Sorry Kalon, but you’re pretentious.
The men gathered for the Rose Ceremony where the following men were given a rose:
Kalon (bad guy)
Arie (race car driver)
Michael (long hair)
Nate (um…I have no clue who he is)
Shaun (blonde insurance salesman)
Chris (Gerard Butler)
Doug (ripped dad of 11 year old son)
Travis (again…who is he?? Was he on the show??)
Tony (desperate dad of 5 year old)
John – (wolf)
Alessandro (grain merchant and Keith Urban wannabe)
Charlie (balcony dude)
Stevie (dancing dude)
The Biology teacher with the horrible glasses and Kyle went home.
Next week’s episode looks really good. Emily has one on one dates with Arie and Chris, Tony ends up crying, and Alessandro ticks Emily off!!