Here we are again, folks.
Can you believe it?
This season we get to watch as the single mom, Emily, from Brad’s (2nd) season on her quest for a husband and a father to her daughter.
We also get to watch Emily’s teeth go along for the journey too.
Those things are capped and white and pearly…just ready to find love.
Let’s recap Emily’s situation in case you missed it the 400 times they reminded us about it Monday night:
Emily’s first fiance was killed in a plane crash. Emily found out she was pregnant with her daughter, Ricki.
Emily decided to go on the The Bachelor. Emily found love with Brad Womack and got engaged.
Emily and Brad broke up, because he’s a head case.
And now Emily’s The Bachelorette, which brings us to last night.
The first night is always a whirlwind. You meet lots of people that you don’t need to remember…AND since there was no real drama to speak of let’s discuss the men in order that they arrived to the mansion…
And I’m only going to give you pictures of those who got the rose. No need to waste bandwidth on the other guys you won’t remember tomorrow.
- Sean. Sean is really blonde. He is also an Insurance Agent. That is all. ROSE.
- David. David is this season’s “singer/song writer”. He says that writing songs is like walking, it just comes that naturally. He serenades us with a song that I can only guess can be called, “Emily”. The reason that I say that is because there are no other words in the song…he just sings “Emillllllllly” over and over and over. Just like walking. NO ROSE.
- Doug. Doug is a single dad of an 11 year old boy. His son wrote Emily a letter, which of course, melted her heart. Doug also got the first impression rose due to the letter. Well played, Doug. Annnd Doug kinda looks a little Brad-ish to me, you think?
- Jackson. Jackson is a “fitness model”. That’s it. NO ROSE.
- Joe. Joe gets out of the limo yelling and dancing. He looks a little like Dawson’s Creek. Not the Creek, just Dawson. ROSE.
- Arie. Aww, Arie. He’s a race car driver. Emily likes. ROSE.
- Kyle. Kyle wore a turquoise tie which was apparently enough to get a rose.
- Chris. Ok…stating the obvious, Chris looks like a tall Gerard Butler. AND he made bobble head dolls to resemble himself and Emily. Kinda funny. ROSE.
- Aaron. Aaron exited the limo wearing (most likely fake) hipster glasses. He tells Emily he is a Biology teacher but wants to learn if they have “chemistry” (cringe). He then removes his glasses in what I can only assume was his sexy librarian move. I guess it worked. ROSE.
- Alessandro. Allesandro is a Grain Merchant from Brazil. I didn’t even know Grain Merchants were a job? Sounds like a profession the lead character in a fable would have, like a Candlestick Maker. Allesandro the Grain Merchant also could not take his eyes off Emily’s breasts. Eyes UP, man. Emily didn’t seem to mind, though. ROSE.
- Jef. Jef pulls a Marty McFly and pulls up on a skateboard behind the limo. Jef owns his own bottled water business and wears ironic denim jackets in his spare time. Emily thinks he is super cool….I think because it’s Jef with only one “f”. It’s kind of a known fact that when you drop a consonant in your name you are automatically hip. Also, he has Bruno Mars hair, soooo…ROSE.
- Lerone. Poor Lerone. All his highway jogging and pull ups didn’t win him The Bachelorette. NO ROSE.
- Stevie. MC Stevie shows up with a boombox, a green shirt and some Saturday Night Fever moves. He is totally New Yawk and he got a rose. WTF?
- Charlie. Charlie fell off a deck and had lots of surgeries. His face is titanium, which is pretty cool. ROSE.
- Tony. Tony is a lumber trader, another olden days job. Tony looks like Stanley Tucci and has a kid back at home. Luckily he shaved his soul patch off before he met Emily, because that could have been disastrous. Emily loves some Tucci and gave him a ROSE.
- Randy. Randy dressed up like a Grandma, which was super awkward. Emily isn’t a fan of Grandma’s or green shirts. NO ROSE.
- Nate. Well, Nate’s an accountant. That’s all I got. BUT Emily needs an accountant so he got a Rose! Side note: And he basically looks exactly like the Bio teacher and the turquoise tie guy.
- Brent. Brent showed up off the limo with a weird name tag thing to get her to remember him. Maybe he should have lead off with “I HAVE 6 KIDS”. I’m pretty sure she would have remembered that! NO ROSE. Emily’s not looking for a bunch…plus dude was almost 20 years older than her.
- John. Instant red flags with John, because he said his friends call him “Wolf”. I think Emily forgot about the whole “Wolf” thing because she called him John during the rose ceremony, thank god. ROSE.
- Travis. Travis forgot his cuff links at home and decided to tryout cuffing his sleeves outside his sport coat. #fashionfail. AND he brought an egg. A huge egg. The egg symbolized “beautiful people” and he would protect the egg for the length of the “journey”. I was totally grossed out by the fact that homes was carrying around an ostrich egg the whole time and I assume that he will for the rest of his time on the show. I think Emily just wants to see how long it will take to the egg to make it to the skillet. You know the ABC producers have an over/under on that one. ROSE.
- Michael. Michael has long hair. Michael gave Emily a guitar pick that said “Music Mike” on it. I’m thinking that when you’re giving girls out your “Concert Merch” you might not be there for the right reasons. Didn’t matter to Em, though. ROSE.
- John Paul. Poor John Paul, the marine Biologist. Seemed like a normal dude, didn’t have an egg, didn’t speak Spanish. But since ABC doesn’t do normal, NO ROSE.
- Alejandro. Alejandro is from Columbia by way of San Fransisco. He thinks all ladies are hypnotized by his Latin language. I guess he was right. ROSE.
- Ryan. Ryan is an ex-NFL payer who now teaches young kids. Ryan will make it far in this show. ROSE
- Kalon. Kalon is this season’s villain. When we first met Kalon he was channeling his inner Men in Black, and let us all know he used to be a player. He likes to fly helicopters and decided that a chopper would be his best entrance. Of course the men all hated him because they all secretly want to own and fly a helicopter. Emily, was intrigued, of course, because he flies a helicopter.
Don’t you think he kinda looks like that actor who always plays the bad guy, Cillian Murphy…remember, The Scarecrow in Batman? Seriously, next time you will totally see it!
So there you have it. Everything you need to remember about the first episode, summed up in 25 bullets.
I have to say that I am kind of nervous there isn’t going to be a lot of drama this season…I know, that sounds sick, but you know what I mean.
But at the sneak-peek for the season there were a lot of man-tears and Emily cursing! So one can only hope