Episode 2 of RHONJ opened with Jaqueline’s daughter Ashlee whining as she packed for Vegas. Not really my favorite way of opening up an episode, not to mention that the LAST thing Ashlee needs is more attention.
Apparently being sent to Vegas is a real serious punishment, because Ashlee and her new face wasn’t happy at all. Personally, I think she should have spent less money on bleached hair and Lindsay Lohan fish lips and more money on….oh, I don’t know…her own place to live, but I’m sure a trip to Vegas will get her straightened out.
Meanwhile, Caroline and her daughter Lauren were visiting Dr. Perricone, hoping he could help with Lauren’s weight problem. At first, Caroline lamented, they thought she had a thyroid problem. But it turns out, the weight culprit is…CARBS!! Obviously, this is more serious than a thyroid issue. Have you SEEN how often they make pasta?
We then got a peek at the very close and not at all scripted relationship between Teresa and Joe as she visited him at his former pizzeria. Briefly, Joe explained that while his license was suspended, he hated bothering other people for rides to get ingredients or other supplies for the pizzeria. Selflessly, he decided to get a fake license so he would have to inconvenience his coworkers. Personally, I think this calls for some kind of reward, but apparently New Jersey law doesn’t see it that way. His pizzeria is now shut down, and he is facing serious jail time. Teresa told Joe how she felt like the experience made them stronger and plus, now he’d be home more!! Sadly, I thought she sounded like a women who, despite her protests, strongly believes the rumors that he is cheating.
In stark contrast, Rich was taking his son Joseph around to his convenience stores, to check up on things and teach his son a little about running a business. Melissa also visited her husband Joe Gorga at work, where they gossiped a bit about Teresa telling her brother that Melissa would leave him for a richer man. They then took a look at his various apartment buildings and revealed that he has one for each of his children.
Joe Giudice is just looking worse and worse by the second.
Caroline’s son Albie was put in charge of driving Ashlee to the airport, and they are still on the longest drive of all time. Ashlee complained to Albie that she wished she was 21 so she could have a drink to relax because she is afraid of flying. Albie revealed privately to the camera that in her mind, Ashlee thinks she is Ke$ha. I have to agree. Girlfriend looks like she’d love to brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack. To Ashlee’s amazement, Albie was able to drop her off at her gate without the guidance of a wizard, and he told her to call once she made it through security.
A little while later, Albie got a call from Ashlee. She managed to miss her flight. Frustrated, he called Ashlee’s stepdad Chris, who chastised him for not walking Ashlee all the way to security. Really? Does he know what a pain airports are? Maybe this is why Ashlee never holds herself accountable for anything. Just a thought.
Chris arrived home to Jaqueline preparing dinner for the entire Real Housewives group. As he and Jaqueline discussed Ashlee’s missed flight, they checked her Twitter stream, which revealed that Ashlee got lost while trying to locate a Dunkin’ Donuts. If it were a Krispy Kreme, I might be able to excuse this, but as it stands, Ashlee — you ma’am, are an idiot.
Kathy, Melissa and their families began showing up for dinner just as Ashlee walked in the door, whining and looking confused. Chris announced that she would be leaving the following day, and he would be walking her to security. While the rest of the group talked, it came up that Teresa was on her way to join them. Melissa told the girls about Teresa’s comment to her husband about her leaving him for a richer man, and how angry she was. Teresa walked in shortly after, in a cloud of loud phony greetings. She told the camera privately that she could tell they had been previously discussing her but she didn’t care because she slept with a clear conscience.
At least, I think she said conscience. She’s not very good at big words.
To clear the air, Teresa decided to announce an apology to anyone who took offense to the book. Not only was it extremely awkward, but you’ll notice that she repeatedly apologizes for people taking offense, but never actually apologizes for writing shady things in her book. Rich (kathy’s husband) asked her if she was going to have to book pulled and reprinted, and the awkwardness that followed made him my new favorite. Teresa responded that she was not having the book reprinted because she wrote amazing things about everyone there. Or at least, she STARTED to say everyone there, then quickly changed the word “everyone” to “most people” there.
Melissa sweetly told her that, “it’s okay, we’ll take one for the team so you can sell more books”. Obviously, this fight isn’t over but I don’t think Teresa got the memo because she smiled and glossed over it.
Teresa then launched into a magical tale of how her book was so wonderful, people were unable to put it down. Obviously, JK Rowling has some competition. She then told her brother that she mentioned him in the Acknowledgment page, which “is a BIG deal in the publishing world”. She suggested that he read it the next time he was on an airplane. Probably so he couldn’t slap her from way up in the sky.
Then men then went to another room to play a game of poker. Somehow, during this game, there was a dispute about height, which caused Joe Giudice to try to grab Rich’s man jewels. Honestly, I didn’t know that this is something men do when they get mad, but Joe apparently does. A “friendly” wrestle followed, and Joe G. somehow ended up getting hit in the eye with a candlestick, which gave him a black eye and bloody nose.
I just hope that he doesn’t take his nut grabbing habit to prison. Not the best idea.
The next day at Kathy’s house, Joseph was preparing for a date. As he sat and chatted with his parents, Kathy came across an email from a teenage girl who sent him some nude photos. This is the part where I would have fainted, then began planning her murder, but Kathy handled it surprisingly well.
And this is why Jon David will never date or have an email. Ever.
In the Gorga house, Melissa was in her studio, auto tuning her way to a powerful love ballad about her husband. She then planned a romantic dinner for Joe, where she played the song for him and they stared into each other’s eyes as her voice blared through the speakers. And then my dreams of what it must be like being married to a singer and having them sing me love songs was ruined, because the whole thing was super weird. Even my husband looked up from his iPad and said, “what are they doing, that is awkward”.
Back at the Giudice household, Joe was preparing dinner and watching the girls while Teresa was at a book signing. The girls shouted that Adriana was bleeding, and Joe ignored it completely, even going so far as to say something to the effect of, “who cares”. Obviously, he is the one responsible for their kind and nurturing nature. Chris and the Manzo boys showed up to eat. I think they regretted not bringing their shields and swords, because the Giudice girls were immediately on the attack. At one point, I swear I saw one of the girls trying to punch Chris Manzo in his man parts.
During dinner, Joe managed to dodge questions from the boys about when he’d get his license back, instead directing the conversation to Joe Gorga and an article in the paper about him being sued. He then made a reference to Karma catching up with Joe Gorga. I’d have to say Joe Giudice does seem to be a Karma expert. I have a feeling he’s gotten a good dose of it lately.
The next day, Ashlee was on her way to the airport again. This time, Chris was driving her himself, so he could hold her hand, change her diaper, and get her to security without being sidetracked by donuts. Ashlee complains that she took half a Xanax and is now too “sleepy” to fly. Because apparently, she is in charge of landing the plane from the cockpit.
Back at home, Jaqueline was cleaning out Ashlee’s room and going through her baby book. Honestly, it was sad and I felt for Jaqueline. I know that Ashlee has been spoiled to the point of it being detrimental, but I think deep down, Jaqueline has always meant well. It’s sad to imagine raising a baby and realizing you don’t like who she has become.
I just wish that Jaqueline’s face moved a bit more when she cried. Is it just me, or is it a bit unsettling?
Next week promises to be good — Melissa and Teresa get into it HUGE.