This episode was snooze-city.
The funniest part came from our friend Arie, doing his best Hulk/Doug impression.
I literally snorted.
BUT let’s start at the beginning.
Chris (purple cuffs) Harrison dropped in on the men at their North Carolina mansion explaining that this is the week with the “dreaded” 2 on 1 date, a group date and a 1 on 1. BUT they would be doing all these dates in Bermuda! Let the globe trotting begin!
Emily has already left for the island and we pop in on her doing beach stuff with Ricki. She also reminds us that she wants lots of babies and she wants to return to Bermuda with her husband…and babies. In a stroller. Did I say she wants more babies?
The first date card is the 1 on 1 and it goes to Doug. Let me remind you that Doug is a dad. To Austin. Who wrote Emily a letter…just in case you forgot…Doug is a dad.
Some of the men are visibly upset that they didn’t receive the date card and Alejandro speaks for the first time, reminding us that he does, in fact, speak English.
Before Emily arrives to pick up Doug the men sit around and make fun of him for being so nervous. Doug gets visibly angry. Emily has mentioned that she thinks that Doug is “hiding” something…I’m going out on a limb here and guess that it might be an anger situation. Arie was the most vocal about Doug’s insecurity and Doug stands up like he is going to flatten Arie.
Luckily Emily walked in at that very moment and saved Arie’s life.
This is wear Arie said to the camera in his best Lou Ferrigno voice that “Doug Hulk”, “Doug Angry”, “Doug Smash”, “Doug Sad”. Good stuff, Arie.
On the date, Doug and Emily walk around the streets of Bermuda and do “real couple” things like sample cake and make perfume. I’m just gonna say that making perfume is not a “real couple” thing. I am part of a “real couple” so I feel secure in saying that.
The date continues with more walking and talking and walking…and Doug tells us for the 653rd time that he is a dad AND he also started a charity. The charity was never explained, or maybe I missed it, but this guy is high up on the “full-of-crap-ometer” in my opinion.
They then continue to do more walking and they make a wish as they walked through a moon-gate. I know my telling of their date isn’t that interesting, because this was THE MOST BORING DATE EVER! “Real couple” activities = Boring Bachelorette episodes. Gimme a helicopter, gimme spelunking…anything besides perfume making!
Next they eat dinner and Emily is concerned that Doug is too much like Brad. Besides basically being his doppelganger, he also answers all her questions with a too-perfect answer. She decides to start with the hard-hitting interrogation by asking what an ex-girlfriend would say is his biggest fault. His reply made me puke in my mouth.
He says, “I spend too much time with my son.” Umm, yeah, no way. No girl is going o be TURNED OFF because you’re too good of a dad. He, of course, starts to fumble and then follows that up with, “maybe because I didn’t clean her car enough”. This is the guy that on job interviews says his biggest flaw is because he’s “too organized”.
I am not a fan of Doug. Plus he is basically the wisest man ever because he is 33. Being 33 makes you way smarter than everyone else on the planet, if you didn’t know already.
Doug decided not to kiss Emily at the end of the date because he thinks she can come to him. She decided not to go there because he started talking about himself in the 3rd person. Maybe he should have mentioned that as one of his flaws.
Next up was the Group Date.
They went sailing, which is great for Kalon because he lets us know that sailing fits in with his luxurious type of living. I guess he is used to people sailing the boat for him because he was rendered useless on his team.
Emily divided the guys into 2 groups..
Red: Travis, Sean, Charlie and Chris
Yellow: Ryan, Arie, Jef and Kalon
The yellow team, using Jef’s hair as an additional sail, won the race which got them some extra Emily time. The red team got to take the Loser Shuttle back to the hotel listening to Charlie bawling in the back seat.
At the Yellow Team’s victory cocktail hour, Ryan makes a toast to Emily, his potential trophy wife…I was trying hard to concentrate on his words, but his hair is so distracting. Flat in the front, spiky in the back. He basically has the Kate Gosselin for men.
Her one on one time with Ryan was so calculated and phony. He tells her that he is very deep and mature, and that he’s not here to impress her, but to make an impression UPON her. He tells her that they would make “pretty babies” about 4 times, which is probably one of the most narcissistic things a man could say and then he goes on to Spiderman her, giving her the whole “with great power, comes great responsibility” speech and tells her that kissing Arie was basically low-class.
The rose of the group date goes to Jef…
The “dreaded” 2 on 1 date is next up. It’s between Wolf-man and Nate.
Nate has been a peripheral character up until this point and I can definitely see why. Let’s just say that, as nice as he might be, homie can’t form a coherent sentence to save his life. This is most evident because when he fumbles his words, he decides that it is the perfect opportunity to click glasses…Long story shirt, they “cheers” 53 times during dinner.
The date was so boring that all they decided to show was the 3 of them jumping from a cliff. Yep, that’s it.
When they got to dinner, which was set in a cave, they all set on one side of the table, The Last Supper-style…and there were literal crickets.
BUT when Nate tried to make the astute observation about their dinner he fell deeper into sad-guy territory asking if they were eating quinoa…which he pronounced “Queen-no-a”. I felt so bad for him. I think he was trying to be fancy, but it felt a little too Showgirls, Ver-sase to me.
I mean look at Emily’s face when while he is talking quinoa…
Nothing sexier than fiber-talk.
Nate gets some one-on-one time with Emily and he starts crying and then clinks glasses. She translates the tears and clicks to mean he is immature and Wolf could have done just about anything at that point, sans howling, and he would have gotten the rose.
Poor Nate and his queen-no-a tears.
Wolf got the rose, Nate and his Miami Vice outfit gets the limo home.
As if the episode couldn’t get any longer, we have to sit through the whole cocktail party/rose ceremony.
Jef’s socks. Thank God he already had a rose.
Ryan is convinced he is a good catch and is already planning his “Bachelor Augusta” return home in case the whole Emily thing doesn’t pan out.
The talk this entire episode surrounded age. The house seems to be divided into the over 30 vs the under 30. Chris (Gerard) takes personal offense to the age situation because he tells us over and over that he is really a 96 year old Benjamin Button. He IS mature, and you’d better not say otherwise.
He lets his emotions take over a little and decides to confront Doug the leader of the Team Over 30. He tells him how he is sick of being called young and then says Doug is too “over-the-top” humble. Yes, Chris…your inner Benjamin Button is correct.
Charlie (titanium plate) and Mike (pony-tailed, yellow headbanded musician) get the boot tonight.
Alejandro stays in the game by the hair of his Latin chinny-chin-chin.
CANNOT WAIT for next week! Emily cusses, sends some guy home for calling Ricki baggage and Doug tattle-tales. Fingers crossed it will finally get good!