This week we are in Croatia.
Who knew it was an exotic locale?
I am thinking that ABC blew their budget last season in Switzerland and now they are doing the “Explore Europe on a Dime” tour.
Beyond the odd choice of destination, this whole episode was a giant let-down. The promos promised maximum drama, with someone pretending to be someone they weren’t blah blah.
None of that happened.
So let’s begin. In Croatia.
Of course all the men are like, “ooh Croatia! I’ve never been HERE before”.
Yeah. No duh.
Who GOES to Croatia?
Emily comes over to the men’s swanky hotel and delivers the date card to Travis. He seems way more normal after ditching the egg.
“Let’s find love beyond the walls”
Travis and Emily met 10 minutes later and pretended they hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks.
She told him they were going to have a date of walking around Croatia.
They talked, walked and ate ice cream. She ordered pistachio and he tried it and pretended that it was good.
Then they did some weird wall scaling ritual, which the whole date was based around. He had to climb up and take off his shirt or something weird like that.
He climbed, but safely secured his place in the friend-zone by not removing his shirt.
We cut back to the men talking in the hotel, Ryan wearing an obviously female tank-top tells everyone that he has “edge” and Travis won’t win Emily because he is non-edgy. Maybe Ryan was talking about the edgy facial hair, or his edgy half-spiked hair-don’t.
Back at dinner Travis tells Emily that he hasn’t dated since he was engaged two years ago. I’m thinking that it might have something to do with the giant dinosaur egg he likes to woo the ladies with…
Anyway, Travis gets the boot for being too friend-ish.
The group date card comes and it says “Lasting love requires bravery” and extends an invitation to John (Wolf), Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie.
So here’s how it went…6 guys, one girl and a Disney movie. Not only a Disney movie, but a girl’s Disney movie. All the men acted like they were excited about seeing the show, and then realized that their seats were in the WORST location in an empty theater. I am sort of an expert movie-theater-seat-chooser and their seats sucked.
They sat in a balcony all the way to the right of the screen. What’s up with that?
An hour and a half later they were released from their own personal hell, only to be handed skirts and told they would have to ride Donkeys.
This whole date was an effort on Emily’s part to see what man she could break with girl-stuff.
In effort to let the men hold on to any last shred of masculinity, Emily set up some Irish-in-Croatia games to let the men duke it out to the death.
There was log throwing, archery and stick pulling involved.
And poor Chris.
Chris sucked at every event and reminded us that if he had time to practice the archery or log-throwing he could have killed it. Meanwhile, Sean throws the log so hard that he breaks the massive piece of wood…no practice necessary.
Emily decides that Chris is the winner of the Highland Game Cup because he tried the hardest…and also because she felt embarrassed and sorry for him. Because she says she doesn’t care about big muscles or anything like that, but at any given turn she is commenting on how strong/muscley Sean is. Apparently muscles are only important when they are on super strong, hot, blonde guys.
At the night-time portion of the group date, each man gets alone time with Emily and she makes out with all of them. I think she is the most kissey Bachelorette of all times.
Chris gets the rose because he showed true bravery at the Croatia-Olympics…and also because she felt sorry for him, his bobbly head and his womanly archery stance.
Back at the hotel Ryan had all day to “reflect” on his life and also to shave his beard into expertly crafted geometric shapes. His beard is basically origami facial hair.
The next day Emily arrives to take Ryan on their one on one date. The date card read that the “World is Their Oyster”…so when the time came, Ryan on-purpose-misspoke about the world being their “pearl”, because “he’s always looking for the good in life”. It took him all day to think that one up.
When they left, the men all made fun of Ryan…saying that it took him 3 hours to get ready for the date, shaves his legs and also PLUCKS HIS KNUCKLE HAIR. If Ryan’s jaw weren’t so square and his Adam’s apple so visible I might have to say that the tank top Ryan was wearing the other day WAS a woman’s tank…because Ryan is in drag. Now THAT would have been a dramatic twist.
Ryan and Emily went off on their date to, of course, catch oysters. Ryan continues his douche-baggery ways and Emily lead him to believe that she was being charmed.
At dinner that night he tells her that he created a list of all the things he looked for in a wife, which consisted of her being loyal to him, to encourage him, to nurture him, to laugh at his jokes, to be beautiful and basically to be logical and not a dumb girl. Good list, bro.
Emily didn’t like his list, and told him he wasn’t getting the rose. He tried to use his origami facial hair to hypnotize her into keeping him and I thought he almost had her, but home-girl stuck to her guns and walked Ryan and his magic turquoise shoes out of Croatia.
High five Ems!
When the luggage guy came and got Ryan’s bags the men all happy danced and hugged like the end of Armageddon.
Arie, sensing an opportunity, pulls a Courtney and shows up at Emily’s place.
They talk and mostly make-out and she tells him that he’s getting a rose fo-sho.
The next night at the Rose Ceremony Emily thinks that she either wants to get rid of John (Wolf) or Doug.
BUT John shows Emily his dead grandparent’s funeral cards and Doug acts all humble-like and she gets confused.
In the lamest non-dramatic rose ceremony yet she gives everyone a rose.
Bah! No tears, no bitter goodbyes. What show IS this?
Next week looks interesting when Emily finds out that Arie has dated a Bachelor-producer in the past and hasn’t told her. Can’t wait!