Kristan and I are taking a break from recap writing for a bit…
We are handing over True Blood to my crazy best friend from way back in college, Michelle.
We met as college roommates and have been together ever since.
Here’s a picture of us…obviously that’s me on the left…
I won’t bore you with all our shenanigans, as there are many, but I’ll cut to the chase here…she is a crazy True Blood fan.
I can’t say that I understand completely, but she is the type who throws premiere parties, reads every book, saves True Blood magazine articles (eek!) and literally counted down the days until this season began.
When she asked if she could have a go at writing the recaps this season, I couldn’t think of a more..errr…passionate person to fit the bill.
So without further ado…True Blood Season 5, Episode 1 via Michelle…
Every September when True Blood ends, it seems like it will be an ETERNITY for the 9 months to pass until it comes back. I mean, I have the Vampire Diaries and all during this time, and that’s great, but it’s not the same. And it’s usually worth the wait – and last night was no exception. In the first episode, they packed in more to set up what seems like an awesome season 5. (Hopefully to make up for the Season 4 that just made me go… meh.) Alan Ball and crew totally wasted the shower scene last season between Sookie and Eric that was so hot in the books. Didn’t stop me from buying the Season 4 DVD though.
Picking up where season 4 left off, in what has to be the kitchen with the worst juju EVER – Tara is shot, Debbie Pelt is killed, and Sookie is once again left with one helluva mess to clean up as Lafayette runs down to see his cousin lying shot in Sookie’s arms. Despite Eric and Bill feeling Sookie needed help, Pam actually inadvertently came to the rescue when she showed up looking for Eric. When Sookie promised Pam she would owe her one – using what Pam called her ‘Super Snatch’ or “Fairy Vagina” (season 4 quip) to make things better between Pam and Eric – Pam reluctantly agreed to try to turn Tara despite the gaping hole in her head.
Am I the only one who – when Pam wondered how Tara would turn out with that nasty injury – thought of poor half-wit Bubba from the books and his less than successful turn? I totally cannot see Tara bumbling around in the woods craving cat blood, but you never know where this show is gonna take you.
Donning a canary yellow Walmart special kitty cat tracksuit (best.costume.choice.ever.), Pam grumbled and cuddled a smelly Tara as LaLa and Sook tossed the dirt over them to put them officially to ground.
At Bill’s palace, seeing Eric clean up the mess of Nan Flanagan’s true death in like 15 seconds only made him sexier for me. Now he appeals to me in a whole OTHER way as I envision what he could do to my house. And then me. I can’t decide which I actually find more appealing. Probably the latter unless there is a ton of laundry needs to be done.
Dismissing Sookie’s need for help, Eric stays put cleaning as Bill runs to help her – only to be captured by the Authority – with Eric soon to follow. As they are piled in the trunk in a scene similar to J Lo and George Clooney in Out of Sight – but way hotter - seemingly on the way to their true death – we see their faces marred with the effects of the silver nets. I thought of either a juicy steak or the most fun game of tic tac toe I could play ever. Didn’t have too much time to think about it as they hatched a plan to blow up the car to escape. While Bill lay injured on the ground after the explosion, Eric came to his rescue – perhaps as a harbinger of the buddy cop relationship we have heard they will have this season.
When it seemed, once again, True Death was imminent as the driver approached them, he met his own at the hands of the other captor, Nora (totally looking like an older version of Selena Gomez). When Eric turns to see her – and we in turn see this shot of him…I took a moment to write in my gratitude journal “Thank you Baby Jesus for A. Skaarsgard.” Well, not really. I don’t have a gratitude journal despite what Mama Oprah says to do, but if I did, I would have totally stopped that scene to write in it. And stare at him some more. Turns out, as he slo-mo passionately kisses her with flames a-blazin in the background, we find out this is his sister. Ummmm – okaaaaay. I know Vampire family trees are all different and all, but still makes you pause for a moment.
As we are left with that scene, we are taken to Jason’s house with Vampire Steve Newlin a’trick or treating at his door. When he glamours Jason to let him in, we find out Steve’s true feelings for Jason – he’s always been in love with him and suppressing these feelings is what made Newlin “all murderous and whatnot”– and he professes that he’s “A Gay Vampire American” – and coquettishly tilts his head to the side and rests his chin on his folded hands in an effort to woo Jason. At this moment, with him in his lavender Brooks Brother sweater/ shirt combo, I think ole Pastor Newlin may have become my new favorite character – especially when he shouts “I love youuuuuuuuuuu” over his shoulder when Jessica rescues Jason and his invitation is rescinded. I hope we see more of him.
Jason is left even more confused as he visits Jessica later after she protected him from Newlin and said Jason was ‘HERS’ – and she is partying with some local co-eds and trying to be the coolest beeeeyotch in the room. He’s wrecked his friendship with Hoyt and buddies for her – yet she still has some wild oats she wants to sow – even though it’s totally obvious they still only want each other. While it would be easy for Jason to sleep with one of the girls – he professes he doesn’t want to be like that anymore. He wants to be a better guy and just wants to drive the girl home.
Is it weird that a tame Jason kinda bums me out? I don’t understand why all those guys (other than Hoyt) are so especially mad at him – surely this wasn’t the FIRST time Jason went out with one of their exes? But my heart still breaks for Hoyt. I was rooting for him.
And – in what is a total pattern for nice guy Sam – he takes the fall for Alcide when Marcus’ pack comes sniffing around Sam to find Marcus. Sam’s a great guy and all, and I totally respect that he didn’t want to snitch on Alcide after everything Alcide did – but, seriously, Sam is just too nice. After some torture and threats, they discover Marcus’ body with his momma, hard-looking Martha, at the site, Alcide and Luna come in at the last minute for Alcide to take responsibility – thus setting up the conflict for the season between Alcide and his pack. I saw that coming – what I didn’t see coming was the brief Walking Dead crossover as some of the pack in their werewolf form started to eat the entrails of Marcus. Can’t escape Zombie culture right now – even in Bon Temps, I guess.
Back in Sookie’s cursed kitchen, Alcide tries to persuade Sookie to come stay with him when he tells her Russell “I will eat your chillldren” Edgington is alive. Sookie is protesting and about to spill the beans about Debbie, and Lafayette bounds down the stairs to prevent the confession and tells Alcide they don’t want anything to do with any supernaturals anymore. I have a feeling Lala isn’t going to get his wish. This is True Blood after all, and his own cousin is marinating in the ground to possibly turn into a vampire.
In quick little scenes, we realize Terry’s Iraq war Marine buddy, Patrick, is in town to see if Terry will help investigate why so many members of their squad are dead from house fires – and if it’s because of “what happened that night”. We obviously will find out what happened at some point, but I really do want Terry to be happy with crazy Arlene, their/her kids, and his pet armadillo, Felix. That man deserves some peace.
We also see (a lot!) of Sherriff Andy Bellefleur at Holly’s as her boys discover (and record with their cell phone) him in the altogether in Holly’s bed. Again, this show never ceases to shock – not because he was there nekkid – but because Sherriff Andy can hold his own with the rest of the studs on that show! Go Andy! At this point, I realized it was a good thing Sookie didn’t call the police when Debbie was at her house despite Lafayette’s argument. Andy was uhh – indisposed – at Holly’s that night and Jason was being glamoured by a smitten Rev Newlin. All I think that’s left is poor Kenneth – and let’s be honest – Sookie made the right choice for her safety with those options.
After an interesting sex scene with Nora and Eric – I think standing up is his favorite position based on previous scenes (ala the dungeon under Fangtasia in Season 3) – Nora, Bill, and Eric arrive to meet other Authority dissenters with Eric and Bill’s new identities within the VPP – Vampire Protection Program. While Bill is pensive over having to leave his current life (read: Sookie) behind, Eric’s only issue is his new name – Ike Applebaum. AWESOME. That name is seriously up there with Chester Copperpot from the Goonies. But the moment is gone as all their cohorts are assassinated and Nora, Bill, and Eric are left surrounded. I guess we’ll find out next episode why they are spared…
And finally, we are back at Sookie’s, and she and Lafayette wait beside the grave for Tara and Pam to emerge. Lafayette is wearing a fabulous sweater that must have been hanging right beside the kitty cat special Pam was wearing, and he gets up to get them something to eat because nothing says ‘Let’s have a picnic!’ like waiting for vampires to emerge from the ground. Pam crawls out complaining about the dirt in her bra – and we wait, wait, wait for Tara to emerge. When it seems like all is lost, and Sookie goes into her patented ugly cry – an explosive Tara leaps out of the grave heading ominously straight for Sookie. As usual, Tara looks pissed off.
Even dead, some things just never change with her I guess… And Season 5 has officially begun!