Well, I hope y’all were wearing your seatbelts during this episode, because it was quite a ride! So much happened – and yet it seems like so much is about to happen – so let’s review!
We open with Tara’s eyesight blurred by Sookie’s Silver Porch Spray and then enhanced back once she got her V-Vision back (Vampire Vision) that looks a lot like Jason’s vision when he was on V. She runs from Sookie and Lafayette and almost devours a young stranded girl who is having car troubles. Wasn’t it convenient for the damsel in distress to have a jaunty ponytail to one side for Tara to see her artery? I think that girl must have been watching a lot of Real Housewives episodes before she got ready that night. Or old Debbie Gibson videos. Regardless, Tara sees her monster self in reflection of the windshield (or is it the cross that reminds her of morality?) and runs away (again).
Next we are at Authority HQ again, and blah, blah, blah-ditty blah, more about the politics and beliefs of the Authority and over-acting from all of the supporting players. I was as bored as Eric looked with all of the posturing.
I was about to lose complete interest because A) the scene was so monotonous and B) that child actor is annoying yelling all his lines. I am sure he is a lovely young man in real life, but I watch HBO so I DON’T have to see bad child actors. I was about dismiss this whole scene (especially after Bill and Eric left) until Roman says “Send in the new Nan Flanagan”.
Wait, what? I am interested again. Enter Reverend Steve it is “an honor to be of service” Newlin with his massive boy scout grin on his face. MAJOR JACKPOT! Steve will have more purposes than just party crashing at Jessica’s and Jason’s – even though he was so awesome at that! The images of Steve standing in front of Roman – with the lighting overhead to look like a halo were inspired
I don’t think this halo visual was an accident, and to see this as he preaches on and tries to sell his shtick to Roman is brilliant. When we pick up on his subtle fear as Roman approaches, it is a welcome nuance. We hear Roman then chastise him in his monotone baritone and go on and on, and again I drift away and start to wonder if I need more ice cream, until I hear Roman say “That is why I made you, Steven”. Get OUT! This Steve Newlin story line gets better and better.
Salome is hanging around during all of this with nervous energy, and of course, we are supposed to wonder what she is up to and what her real agenda is.
Eric and Bill are spared because they promise to bring Russell in, but they are also fitted with the IStake to help monitor and control their movements – and the girl tells them as she fits them with their harnesses (CAN I HAVE HER JOB???) they can be staked literally by an app if they misbehave. Bill responds with his best smile and laugh I think in all 5 seasons. But the best part of the scene was when the girl tells them to take of their shirts. Let’s pause and take a moment to appreciate good sculptures as they removed their matching jogging suit jackets
She is correct, they are too cute to be goo.
In the next few scenes at Authority HQ, I have decided that Salome must have been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy lately because she is quite – ummm – riled up.
After telling Bill her back story, she proceeds to have sexy time with Bill, but not before she flatters Bill about leading with his heart and the haunting cello music plays so you know he is thinking of Sookie. She next moves on to Eric, and then eventually Roman. Quite a busy woman! And her hair and makeup looked fabulous the whole time. Ahhh, to be a vampire….
Bill and Eric find out about each other’s ‘dates’ while talking even though Bill smirks that he won’t “brag about sloppy seconds to Eric” and Eric looks peeved that he was the sloppy second. I imagine that doesn’t happen often for him and he is not quite sure what to do with that emotion.
For Sookie, we see her barge into Fangtasia where Pam is speed texting. I guess she picked that skill up from Franklin two years ago when he showed off his skills to Tara.
I miss him. RIP Franklin.
Sookie is imploring Pam to summon on-the-loose Tara, but Pam is having none of it and pushes Sookie into a table. Sookie then retaliates with her ever- so- convenient balls of fire that launches Pam across the room. I loved it when Pam got up and told off the room of patrons to “continue buying her overpriced drinks or get the (bleep) out!” I waited tables for many years, and believe me, it didn’t take a fairy girl’s fists of light to make me want to say that on many occasions.
At Merlotte’s, Sam discovers ( actually sniffs) Tara hiding in the woods as a vampire. I actually felt sorry for Tara at this point that she was so lost and wasn’t just angry. The only time I think I haven’t been annoyed with her in 2 or 3 seasons. She drinks like 30 bottles of True Blood and Sam looks as lost as Tara is about what to do. As usual, she responds to his help with anger – and then passes out. Never known a vampire to pass out yet, so that hole in the head looks like it could be an issue. Sam has to put her in the freezer with an OUT OF ORDER!! DANGER!! KEEP OUT!! sign on the door. Well, sure, that’ll work.
When Sookie comes in for work and asks Sam if he’s seen her, Sam tries to deny it. I LOVED this scene! For once, Sam wasn’t been beaten up, yelled at, forced to shift, he was just being good ole Sam at Merlotte’s. He hilariously tried to hide his thoughts from Sookie and yet still yells “WALK IN WALK IN WALK IN” in his head after trying to force himself to think about her lady parts. Sam understands why Lala and Sook did what they did. Because he is the most understandable man on the planet. Sookie and Sam need more scenes together. It’s like Season One – and I liked Season One a lot.
Tara is discovered in the freezer (when Lala wakes her up with True Blood and tells her” Hooka Drink!”) – and she (of course) runs away. Arlene later gives Lafayette a hard time, about turning Tara in the judgmental shame that Arlene is so good at, we see Lafayette frighten himself at almost poisoning the whole batch of gumbo he was cooking with a full container of bleach and his blue demon face from last season comes out in the mirror above the stove. When he poured out that batch of gumbo down the drain, I thought of what a terrible waste that was and how angry I get when I have to start over on a pie when I burn the crust. But then again, I didn’t make a bleach pie.
Alcide finally finds out that Sookie shot Debbie and turned Tara after he comes to Merlotte’s to warn Sookie about the disappearance of Debbie. I like the fact that not everyone is totally enamored by Sookie anymore, and that she is allowed to make mistakes. He walks away from her as she frets if he will tell anyone about what she did.
And now, poor Andy. His photo in the altogether did make the internet, and he is catching major grief for it at the station from his own staff. Debbie Pelt’s parents come to the station seeking help to find their daughter. They have also confronted Alcide and don’t believe that she was back on V and because she “wanted to have your cubs!”
At Merlotte’s, Andy questions Sookie about Debbie, and Lafayette nervously listens in with a bottle of Jack to help soothe his nerves. After getting nowhere with Sookie, Andy goes to Holly and asks her to pretty much go steady with these redeeming qualities: “We got nuthin to lose. I live with my grandma, I’m an alcoholic, and a recovering V addict, and the laughingstock of Renard Parrish Sheriff’s Department”. And they decide they are perfect for each other. The empathy Chris Bauer brings to the role of Andy is nothing short of spectacular, and I love pretty much every scene he is in now.
At this point, we haven’t any of Jason in the episode (which is always a shame) – and he runs into a former teacher of his at the grocery store. Turns out Mrs. Steeler taught Jason quite a bit back in the day. Perhaps casting the crazy lady from Cougar Town as one of the Authority chancellors should have been a clue where a storyline was going…
He really seems genuinely happy to see her letting her know “I remember everything you ever taught me” as she fidgets uncomfortably in front of him. He shows up at her house later, trying to describe his misfortune with women: “I ain’t had the best of luck in that department, One died right next to me, one was married to a gay preacher, Crystal was a…(werepanther)” and he is “(bleep) buddies with a teenage vampire”. (He has a list as impressive as Andy!!) He tries to insist their inappropriate affair was amazing despite her protests because she “taught him how to do the only thing he was ever good at”. But after their tryst when she goes to get her “half a box of wine in the cooler”, Jason realizes what a mistake it was – and how much it really scarred him as a man. He looks so devastated at this realization when he walks out her door, your heart really breaks for him.
Jessica comes over to Jason’s looking for a hot date after running into someone who smells mysteriously awesome at a boutique and chases the stranger out the door. If you read the books, you know who he is – but I’ll leave it at that. Jason tells Jessica he doesn’t know how to deal with what he is feeling and she lets him know they can be just friends. He says he doesn’t how, but she insists, and it is a sweet moment between two people who have no handle on their emotions whatsoever.
Meanwhile, the Texan Cougar Town chancellor is torturing Nora to admit she is against The Authority, and I want force some silver into her veins to get that fake Texas accent right out of her. Foghorn Leghorn has a more believable accent.
Nora finally admits she is against The Authority, but is it really the truth or just a way to get the torture to stop? And by torture, I could mean the silver in the veins or the horrible accent with clichéd Texas phrases. Either one is pretty painful.
Terry tells Arlene he “can’t tell her, can’t say, don’t know” where or what he will be doing with Patrick. And that was their scene together this episode. They deserve better so hopefully there will be more soon.
As Pam is dreaming while she is to ground, we see more flashbacks in the fuzzy sepia glow of 1905. We also see this is how Bill and Eric met for the first time as Bill was draining one of Pam’s employees with Lorena! Nice little twist! Bill acts like an impetuous little vamp-brat, yet Eric spares his life because “He is brave, loyal, and strong for one so young”. Eric blames Bill’s misbehavior on Lorena and lets her know that she “had better get him under control”. Good. Hated her anyway. Still do. I think they need to blame Bill’s stupid hairdo at this time on Lorena too.
While Pam and Eric ‘settle their debt’ and he kisses her passionately, she tears up in current time with a single blood drop falling down her cheek in her sleep. The flashback continues for Pam after Hoyt comes into the bar the next night in guyliner that LOOKS SO WRONG on him – yet he still manages to wear a shirt with no sleeves. For the most part, none of his shirts have sleeves except his dressy plaid button down he wears on his fancy dates. Not that there is anything wrong with with Hoyt and no sleeves. During the flashback, we see a very intimate conversation between Pam and Eric as they lay face to face in bed.
The chemistry is soooooooooo much better than Eric and Sookie from last year. Pam pleads with Eric to turn her because of the horrible life that awaits her in her old age as a madam, and is frustrated because he is an “honorable vampire” that won’t turn her because of all the responsibility and commitment it entails. She forces his hand – his fangs? – when she slices the arteries on her arms and implores him to let her “Walk the world with you… or watch me die”. She only whimpered when she sliced her own arms, and that’s one tough lady. I break out in tears with a particularly painful hangnail.
We end up with Tara breaking into a tanning salon to try to meet the sun, we assume, by frying herself in one of the beds. Pam – as her maker – is alerted, and looks more annoyed than concerned. But after the flashbacks on what a great Maker Eric was and is, we figure Pam will go save her.
A jammed packed episode – and looking forward to next week!
Thanks for reading!