Holy heck this is gonna be good.
I have been giddy with excitement for this season from way back when Emily went hood-rat on Kalon.
Let’s get on with it…
The show starts with Chris Harrison in front of the Bachelor mansion.
Man, those walls have stories.
He breaks down the contestants on this year’s season ala The Breakfast Club…a jock, a weirdo, a princess…AND fills us in on the twist of the season…the addition of Superfans.
Now you have to know that calling the newbies “superfans” is really the beginning of the end. There is already an obvious hierarchy within the Bachelor family…the further you get on the show, the more popular you seem to be…sooo…mix regular people in with the “stars” of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, there are bound to be elevated egos. Add dopey twins to the bag of tricks and you might need to put your hunting clothes on for a search and rescue to find the brain cells you will inevitably lose over the next few months.
Let’s break down the players in order of arrival…
Chris ~ He is fresh from his season with Emily, but clearly over the heartbreak, as he is ready to mingle with his dingle. Ok, gross, sorry. We pop in on him doing shirtless push-ups on a shag rug. Yep, he’s over Emily.
Lindzi ~ From Ben’s season. She was the runner up to Courtney. She seems nice enough, still horsing around. Ok, I will stop.
Ed ~ Ed won Jillian’s season. They stayed together for about a year, and then he got all cheaty and slimy on her and now he’s back on Bachelor Pad, ready to act like a straight fool. He arrived in a dusty rose sport coat and a trail of porn music ready to get is drannnk on. Ed is slimy.
Nick ~ He’s from Ashley’s season and was pretty unremarkable. I think he’s some sort of personal trainer.
Rachel ~ She’s also from Ben’s season. She didn’t get on great with Blakeley during the season, and it seems like there might be some more of that at Bachelor Pad. Ed instantly likes her, because “blondes are his type”. We all know Jillian was an adorable brunette and I continue to hate Ed more.
Sarah ~ She was apparently on Brad’s FIRST season. Her claim to “fame” was mixing up Brad and his twin Chad. If you remember correctly, while Brad and Chad are twins, they certainly have their own “look”. She rightfully got the boot. Now..I don’t remember ANY of that, I’m just going by what she tells us.
Ryan ~ He was on Deanna’s season. He is apparently a 32 year old virgin. And all I can do is wonder why he is on this show.
Reid ~ Got dumped by Jillian and then made the epic Bachelor mistake of coming back to the show after you get dumped. It never works, people. But I love Reid, so it’s all good.
Jaclyn ~ She was also from Ben’s season. I didn’t like her then and I don’t like her now. She is a frenemy to Blakely.
Blakeley ~ She was on Ben’s season and is the resident VIP waitress…oh wait, actually she doesn’t do that anymore. She decided to set her stake higher in life and is now a scrubs-wearing personal waxer. Because wearing scrubs to wax people’s privates is way more profesh.
Tony ~ Also from Emily’s season. He was the dad who cried a lot. A lot. And also looks like Stanly Tucci.
Erica Rose ~ Oh dear Lord. You know Erica. Nothing’s changed accept apparently she and Kalon know each other from the “social scene” in Houston and she blabbed to the tabloids about him, so she’s super nervous that he will be on the show and cause drama with her. Since when has Erica ever shied away from drama?
Kalon ~ He pulls a super-d move and pulls up in a fancy car and tosses CH the keys like he is the valet. Hellooooo..he’s CHRIS HARRISON. You are KALON. We don’t even know your last name. Check yo’ self.
Jaime ~ She was also on Ben’s season. That seems to be a running theme. She was the one who decided at the 25th hour to show Ben that she was aggressive and sexy by doing the world’s most awkward “kissing lesson/lap dance”. Shudder.
Michael ~ Micheal Staglioni won last year’s Bachelor Pad and is the guy everyone likes.
Donna ~ Superfan #1. She is a cute little girl who likes to wear bikinis and also sketches Michael Stag in her sketch pad. Not creepy at all.
Chris ~ SWAT. He likes to watch The Bachelor at home on his couch drinking a glass of wine, wearing his jammies.
Paige ~ Paige is a sweet girl, who is nervous and star struck.
David ~ He’s an MMA fighter who is also known by Kama-Kazi.
The twins ~ Erica and Brittany. You don’t need to know their names though, because they are playing as one person. They are the twins. And they are annoying.
As soon as they all get together the antics begin. Ed gets totally hammered. Jaclyn and Rachel talk crap about Blakeley and then hug her when she comes in and everyone hates the twins upon first glance.
CH pops in to explain the rules to the group and Ed belches, tries to shake the water out of his ears and walks around in his see-through wet boxers. Just a mess.
The players have to pair up, so quickly the drunken bad decisions begin. Here’s how they paired up:
- Reid and Paige. Which Reid explains to us makes sense because you can “Read a page.” Remember back when I said I really liked Reid? Ummm, yeah.
- Erica Rose and Nick
- Chris and Blakeley
- Jaclyn and Ed
- Sarah and Michael
- Kalon and Donna
- Twins and Dave
- Rachel and SWAT
- Ryan and Jaime
The next day the first challenge was a strength/endurance test. The couples had to hold themselves in a wooden heart contraption while it tilted forward.
In a worse-case-scenario for the vets, the Twins and Dave won the challenge.
On Bachelor Pad if you win a challenge you are safe from elimination and also get to go on a date away from the Bachelor Pad house. The twins and Dave got to go to a “boardwalk themed” date that mimicked famous dates from season’s past.
Back at the house Blakeley starts getting prematurely needy, much like Melissa from last season.
Didn’t work out so well for Melissa and Blake is now married to Holly, so you would have thought Blakeley might have done a little homework. Oh wait, it’s Blakeley we’re talking about. Never mind.
As soon as Blakeley leaves Chris’s side, Jaime (the kissing instructor) decides to pull Chris aside and “talk”. When Blakeley realizes that Chris is missing she decides she needs to find him ASAP. She barges in on Chris and Jaime “talking” and makes all sorts of weird possessive comments. Being partners with someone for 3 minutes automatically gives you ownership of them in BP. Didn’t you know? Of course Blakeley starts crying, like the unstable woman that she is and tells us the money isn’t worth all the heartache. I’m sorry, did I miss something? How long have they known each other?
The next morning the superfans are all discussing their game plan, which Erica Rose kinda/sorta overheard. She approached them and Dave the MMA fighter immediately tells Erica their plan and that the men are all going after her. I need to look up the definition of “superfan” in the dictionary, because I must be confused. A true fan would A) know that Erica is an unstable human being and that she will immediately implode upon suggestion that she is to be evicted and B) you would also know that you LIE TO EVERYONE.
Michael Stag said it best in this episode, that the game is ABOUT lying. Duh.
When Erica is told that she is on the chopping block (sorry Big Brother fans) she spins into a tizzy. She cries, she throws insults about how being a “fan” is lame, she breaks out the mature put-downs like “loser”, “ugly” and then collects herself enough to start rallying the troops.
Rightfully so, the other “fans” were angry that Dave spilled the beans on their strategy. Although I have to say that it wasn’t the most stealth of plans.
That night at the voting there was a ton of scrambling. The vets were all for voting out the fans, leaving Reid and Rachel in a lurch.
Reid tried to rally and save his partner Paige, but since they aren’t so smart with math they left out a vote and long story short, got Paige kicked out.
SWAT was super upset that he also got voted out, but honestly it seemed like a given.
Next week if the twins and Dave don’t win the challenge again, I would say that it’s pretty safe bet that they are gonna be out.
I have to say that this season looks amazzzzing. I will eagerly wait until next Monday night to live vicariously through the shenanigans on Bachelor Pad.