Real Housewives of New Jersey ~ Episodes 11&12

We missed last week’s episode…it’s ok though..not much happened.

Here’s a quick run-down before we move on to this week:

We met Albie’s new lady-love.  She ‘s a cheerleader if you didn’t hear.  Lauren’s the family ball-buster when it comes to girlfriend judging…and Caroline reminds us that Albie should be focusing on his career, not a lady.  Cheerleader doesn’t stand much of a chance if you ask me.
Melissa gets asked to perform in a local concert called “Beatstock”, not be confused with beef stock.  Apparently it’s some big outdoor concert that everyone has heard of except for me.  Also, Gia gets asked to “dance” at “Beatstock” too. These two families couldn’t separate if they tried.

Melissa starts working on her “routine” with Cris Judd, of Jennifer Lopez fame.  He seems less than thrilled to be there, but hey, life beyond JLo requires work.

Melissa throws a “not-over-the-top” birthday party at her house for her daughter and there are awkward moments-aplenty between Teresa and Jacqueline.  They reference the RV trip to Napa and I wonder if it’s EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!  They have been talking about the trip for weeks and I always think that the next episode they’ll be on the road, only to be let down.

Ok…moving onto this week’s episode.

There was no Napa, but there was plenty of booty shaking.

It opens to both Gia and Melissa practicing for their “Beatstock” debuts.  Gia has the dance moves down cold, while Melissa struggles and makes strange excuses, Cris Judd no likey.  I mean when you have worked with Michael Jackson it must be frustrating to teach the grapevine to a Jersey Housewife “singing” an auto-tuned dance number.

Next, Kathy and Richie drive to Kathy’s old neighborhood.  They’re going to a gelato shop where Rosie used to work.  Kathy has brought samples of her desserts to share and possibly get the owner to sell her desserts in his shop.

Richie and his popped collar crack me up.  He is wildly inappropriate, arguably unattractive and completely likable.  I don’t get it.   I find myself enjoying his portion of the show most of all.

Albie, Christopher and Uncle Chris are preparing for the “Fancy Food Show” in Washington DC where they are going to put their black water, aka blk., on display.  Their booth is huge and showy…much different than the booth that Albert Manzo has to sell his “Brownstone Sauce”.  They will both be at the Fancy Food Show and are ready to duke it out.  Not really.

Albert has set up a potential photo shoot for the label on the bottle and wants Caroline to pose holding the jar of sauce.  It seemed a bit impromptu because she came to the shoot with flat hair and a questionable outfit.  Luckily they decided not to use her on the label, maybe because Albert referred to her as an “old mom” who people could trust.  You’re not winning any “special favors” with that comment, Albert.  Just sayin’.

The entire  next scene was completely pointless, but I must reference it.

Melissa and Joe Gorga, down the shore, sitting my the pool.

Melissa brings Joe out a glass of wine in a flashy red swimsuit and sky-high heels.

Joe stammers and tells her how amazing she looks and makes creepy comments about Tarzan.  And by Tarzan, I mean…

I’m just saying, it seemed like a random day sitting by the pool.  I’m thinking my flip-flops and tankini ain’t cutting it.

Meanwhile the blk. van had hit the road to DC.  As all the guys sat around in the back of the van making fart jokes and playing “Kiss, Marry, Screw”, Chris drove (talking on the phone, I might add…which is illegal in NJ) and made business deals.  He reminded them that this wasn’t a frat party, but serious water-selling business.

The men stop for a quick man vs food lunch where they ate the mystery meat “scrapple” and tried not to puke. They were saving that for dinner.

Later that night they stopped at a Russian Vodka bar to have dinner and drinks.  Chris was trying desperately to have a “teachable moment” in between shots.  17 vodkas later Christopher was puking in the bathroom.  He seems to really be taking his business seriously.

The next day was the the day of “Beatstock”and we pop in on Teresa getting her hair and make-up done.  We all know she wasn’t performing, but a stage mom needs to look good y’all.

In the most awkward/awesome part of the episode beside Joe Gorga sucking Melissa’s toes, we have Milania telling the world that Juicy was asleep in “his own” bedroom.

I’m sure that Teresa didn’t expect that to be broadcast for the whole world to hear…especially with the “happy marriage charade” she is tying to sell to the tabloids.

Also, there are a few minutes when Gia and Milania bash Melissa’s song and lip synching, which definitely seems like a family trying to make amends.  I can’t wait til the reunion to see how Teresa tries to spin that!

In the limo on the ride to the concert Juicy sits in the back wearing his best sleeveless shirt/d-bag vest combo.  I am assuming he was hitting the spirits on the way there, because when it came time for the performance he was three sheets to the wind.  He had that drunk, “trying to focus, but can’t really focus” look that we have all either seen or experienced first-hand.  Even my husband walked in the room and said, “that guy is hammered”.

Meanwhile, back at Fancy Foods Greg was meeting his lifelong dream girl Patti Labelle, in a real-life-awkward-celebrity encounter.  Patti was there selling her hot sauce.  It’s been a long while since Lady Marmalade and a girl’s gotta pay for the Louboutins!

Back at the booth the blk. guys were recovering from the Russian dinner the night before and starting the sell some black water.

On a side note I thought I would fill you in a little on the black water..because I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem like something I would drink.

If I had the choice between clear and black, I’m gonna choose clear.  I noticed on the box that blk. is “Spring water infused with fulvic acid”.  Now.  “Fulvic Acid” does not sound appetizing.  Besides the fact that is sounds like vulva, I don’t think I need acid in my water.  Maybe it’s just me.

As Melissa prepares to perform at “Beatstock” she gets multiple texts from friends wishing her luck at her performance.  Her stylist, make-up artist, hair lady and personal body moisturizer arrive just in time to see Joe, again, sucking on her toes.  This has GOT to stop.  I’m all fine with neat looking toes.  But putting them in your mouth is the equivalent to licking someone’s armpit.  If they want to do that in private, good on them, but I seriously can’t see it anymore.  It’s strongly against my religion.

Finally it was time for the performances.

Gia danced.  I will say no more.

Melissa lip-sank…synched…sank…

Milania yawned, Juicy cried, and Joe jumped.

The picture of a happy family.

They all told Melissa she “killed it” and Cris Judd collected his paycheck.

Melissa and Teresa met up at he end, congratulated each other and talked about the trip to Napa and how it won’t be awkward with Caroline and Jacqueline.

I still don’t believe that this trip will ever actually happen because with the previews for next week they STILL aren’t going to be on the road.

BRING ON THE ROAD TRIP ALREADY!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey air Sunday nights at 10/9 C

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