Here we are…down the the final three.
Can you believe there are only 2 episodes left?
Well, this episode was full of love proclamations and a super awkward rose ceremony. Let’s get started.
The episode opened with Emily heading to Curacao on a boat, throwing around words like “whirlwind”. Is it just me or do they use words on The Bachelorette that no one uses in real life?
Whirlwind? Journey? Whaaaa??
Emily then went through her memories with each of the men, and stated why they would make a good husband.
Sean is super sensitive and muscular and gives her butterflies in her heart. Jef is his own person, is funny, and extremely kind and thoughtful. Arie is youthful, funny, and sweet. And a good kisser. She doesn’t mention that NEAAAARLY enough (eye roll).
Did anyone notice that she started crying every time she talked about Arie? What’s up with that?
Emily then expressed her fear that she might send the wrong man home, and she was hoping that these last dates would give her clarity.
Emily’s first date was with Sean, and they met on the beach. Emily told us that she was worried because Sean hadn’t told her he loves her yet. Sean then revealed to the camera that he IS in love with Emily, and just hasn’t gotten the nerve to tell her yet.
They then hopped on a helicopter and headed to a private island, where they spread out a blanket and talked about the previous hometown date. Emily asked Sean about his past relationships and why he treated his girlfriend like a friend. It’s obvious that Emily was fishing for the “L” word, but Sean wasn’t biting. After a bit more fishing on Emily’s part, Sean told her that he was “crazy about her”. It was pretty awkward because it was obvious that there were unsaid things hanging in the air.
Gosh Sean, she’s just asking you to tell her you love her on national television, after only a handful of dates. What’s the big deal??
Emily and Sean then did some romantic bonding over snorkeling, followed by an evening picnic on the beach. Sean decided to bust out a letter he had written to Ricki (too late, Jef used the romantic letter move LAST episode), and he read it to Emily, after which she responded that Ricki would love it. Let’s be honest…we all know that Ricki isn’t going to get that letter. He’d have been better off buying her a Lalaloopsie or something.
Emily then asked Sean if he could see himself proposing if he made it to the end, which was odd to me considering he still hadn’t said the “L” word. Finally, Sean said that he would because he had fallen in love with her. And Emily’s fishing expedition was a success.
Emily then handed Sean the infamous “Fantasy Suite” card and key, and of course he jumped at the chance to spend a night with her. Emily took him back to the Fantasy Suite, where they wasted no time getting in the hot tub. Emily then told us that she wanted to spend the night with Sean, but her conscience wouldn’t let her because she needed to set a good example for Ricki. So Sean went back to his NonFantasy Suite, confident that he would end up marrying Emily.
Next was Jef’s date. Again, they met on the beach, where Jef wasted no time in telling Emily how great she looked (LOVE that in a man). They hopped on a boat to see Curacao together. Again, they opened their date with talk of the previous hometown date. Jef reassured Emily that his family loved her and his parents were anxious to meet her.
I kind of wondered if his parents REALLY couldn’t make it to the hometown date, or just didn’t want to be part of the spectacle. Smart people.
Jef’s mission on this date seemed to be getting some information from Emily about why SHE wanted to be with HIM. I have to say, it seems to be a great tactic, because the girl needs a bit of a chase. Not to mention, it has to be hard spilling your guts to someone about how much you love them when you don’t know if they feel the same way.
There was then some ocean swimming, some sunset kissing, and a late night dinner. Emily wore a super cute sparkly dress to dinner, and I couldn’t help but notice that she dresses way cuter for Jef than any of the other men.
Jef then asked Emily where she would want to live if they ended up together, and she told him she’d like for the two of them to start fresh somewhere together. Jef followed that up with asking why her previous relationships hadn’t worked out, to which she responded that although the men were perfect on paper, they never had “it”. Jef, apparently has “it”, though, so she reassured him that he was different.
Jef asked Emily if she thought Ricki would like him, and Emily of course responded “yes”. I really thought that Jef was making good use of his time, and instead of spending it worrying about conveying his love, was ready to ask hard questions and prepare for a life together.
Emily then presented Jef with the Fantasy Suite card and key, sure he’d accept. But…Jef said no, telling Emily that it went against both of their values, and they didn’t want to embarrass their families or Ricki. He told her that he planned on spending every night with her for the rest of their lives, and didn’t need that one night. Emily, unprepared for rejection, responded by trying to tell him SHE couldn’t spend the night with him.
Nice try Emily.
They kissed a lot, and then Jef went back to his NonFantasy Suite. Where I was waiting with an engagement ring for him.
In my mind.
The following day was Emily and Arie’s date. He met her at a boat, where they boarded and kissed. Constantly.
You’re only thinking about spending your WHOLE LIVES together, who needs oh…I don’t know….CONVERSATION????
They then hopped in the ocean to swim with the dolphins, which was just crazy and should probably be illegal. Animals and humans were not meant to swim together, that is just a fact. Too many variables that things that could go wrong, and fins and teeth involved. The dolphin then closed their swimming expedition with a dive/flip thing in the air, proving that Curacao dolphins are embedded with some type of microchip in their brain.
Emily and Arie then kissed some more on the boat. And kissed some more. And talked about kissing some more.
Finally it was time for dinner, where Arie managed to eat without ever fully opening his eyes. Is he tired all the time? Is the skin on his eyelids super heavy?
Emily then began to question him about his daily schedule, where he told her he usually gets up at 9 am, eats out for every meal and has dinner with friends every night. Just what a single mom loves to hear — her potential husband lives the life of a careless frat boy. I could practically see the steam coming from her ears when he said 9 am.
Arie then told Emily his plan for being a dad to Ricki. His tactic? Basically warm her up by being her friend, then eventually lowering the discipline boom. Emily, who has dated and considered marriage previously, was totally floored by this genius plan. She had never even THOUGHT of such a thing!!! Amazed, she heaped compliments on his mad parenting skills.
Is it just me, or are her expectations of him so minimal that it’s ridiculous? Is she just using him for kissing?
Emily was sure that her overwhelming lust for Arie wouldn’t allow her to turn him down for the Fantasy Suite, so she chose not to present him with the card. So they kissed a lot, then she cried to the camera. Because any time Arie comes up, she cries to the camera.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??
Finally it was time for the big Rose Ceremony, and Emily met with Chris Harrison to go over her decision. But when Chris asked her if she was ready to decide, Emily told him she could imagine having a life with all of them and wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Basically, she likes having three guys adoring her. Because if she doesn’t know who she wants to marry by now, there are serious problems if you ask me.
Chris then told Emily that each of the guys had made private video messages for her, and left her to watch them and think. And cry.
First was Sean’s video, and he told Emily that he loved her and wanted to marry her.
Next was Jef’s video, and he told Emily that he loved her and wanted to marry her.
Last was Arie’s video, and he told Emily he loved her and wanted to marry her.
Sigh. Such a tough life.
Emily cried some more, and told us that the man who was going home wasn’t’ going to expect it.
Well….they all just said they want to marry you, so you THINK?!
Finally Emily went downstairs to pass out the roses, saying knew who needed to go home but was worried about regretting it later.
The first rose went to Jef, and after a long pause, the second rose went to…Ari of the half closed eyes.
It was clear that Sean was blindsided, as he stood there scrunching his nose and trying not to cry or punch someone while Arie accepted his rose. It was incredibly awkward, and Emily walked him out in tears. They sat down on a bench for a few minutes, where Emily asked him the question you NEVER ask a man — “what are you thinking about?”
Sean said he felt stupid because he hadn’t seen this coming, and he would be very hurt for awhile. Of course, that made Emily cry more, because it’s not like she has two other men waiting that are madly in love with her.
After an uncomfortable hug, Sean got in the limo, where the camera stared him in the face. Just what we all want after being dumped. Poor Sean said that when he has first seen Emily at the Rose Ceremony, he had thought of her as his wife.
I have a feeling there are plenty of women all across the land who are ready to console Muscle Sean.
Next week is The Men Tell All, where we will hear from evil Kalon, and heartbroken Sean.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 8/7c.