True Blood Episode 5

The latest episode of True Blood was my favorite of the season.  Three major hotties?  Check.  A huge turning point in the plot?  Check.  Catfights?  Check Check. 

I couldn’t WAIT to see what Michelle had to say about this week, and of course, she didn’t disappoint.  Thanks for a great recap, Michelle!!




Well, this episode didn’t waste any time to get the ball rolling – so let’s do the same!


With Alcide and Sookie getting all hot and bothered on Gran’s couch, I thought about how much better the chemistry was between them than with Sookie and Eric last season – but you knew something HAD to happen to ruin the moment between them. And oh it did – just not what we were expecting. In what has to be one of the worst moments EVER on a date for Alcide (and that’s saying a lot – the man dated Debbie Pelt) – Sookie up and hurls all over his shoes after he professed how long he had waited for them to get together. I, too, might have been overwhelmed after looking at his 12 pack of abs face to abs, but hopefully I could have held it together a little bit better. I may have fainted in the presence of such greatness, but not lost my lunch.



And adding insult to injury, Eric and Bill were (of course) standing in the doorway at this  moment (Sookie has GOT to get that deed changed back over to her name!) to witness all of this when Eric said “Alcide, you sure know how to treat a lady”. Seriously, why Alcide is still around is something I can’t figure out. But let’s all be thankful that he is.


In Sookie’s kitchen, she lets the two vampires know she was worried about them, and Eric curtly responds “Clearly.” Safe to say now I think Sookie’s Fairy Lady Parts have little hold on Eric.  Bill, Eric, and Alcide start arguing, and Sookie envisions it as if they are all literally barking at each other. In an episode filled with awesome scenes and dialogue, this was one of my favorites. You can totally tell Alexander Skarsgard, Stephen Moyer, and Joe Manganiello couldn’t keep a straight face. It’s what pause buttons on DVRs are made for in this moment where she is looking through her fingers at them:



What cracks me up is after all of the crazy storylines and scenes and absurd nudity they had to do the past 5 seasons– this is one where they lose it like Jimmy Fallon used to on Saturday Night Live? Awesome.


Sookie finally realizes her life will never be normal despite any choices she tries to make. With this realization, she heads out the door with the 3 Supes behind her on their way to go conquer Russell Edgington.


And…. That girl sure does sober up and pretty up fast. Seriously, if I had had a fraction of what she had to drink, I would have needed at least 2 days, a Super Big Gulp Diet Dr Pepper, and a Double Meat Double Cheeseburger with Extra Large Tator Tots from Sonic to get me halfway human again.

Back at Lafayette’s house, where he is tired of this “hinky brujo (stuff)”,  he starts to panic about the evil inside of him, and in his living room he starts praying to God  with “Listen Up… I ain’t never put too much stock… But if you up there, I am tired of all this (BS)”. Ummmm  – ok. Not quite the way they taught us how to reach out to the Almighty at Highland Lakes Church Camp every summer. Then again, I never had a blue snaked-tongue devil with horns coming out of my nose looking back at me in the mirror. So to each his own.


He starts reaching out to Jesus (ex boyfriend, not THE Jesus) and repeating over and over he is a good man. In his sleep, he awakes to see the head of his ex boyfriend next to him with his lips sewn up like a character from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Ruby Jean, Lafayette’s mother, awakes to the same vision in her nursing home and understands what Jesus is trying to tell her and hollers out for her LaLa:  “Laffaayyyyyyeeettte! Whoooooo Hooooo! Lafayette!” LOVE Ruby Jean.


With the most screen time this story has had all season, we get a lot more of Terry’s situation. Private Eller has tied up Patrick and Terry in his bunker and Terry tells Patrick “I’m thinking maybe this was a not so great idea”. Yep – he’s right about that. With Eller’s gun to his head, Terry admits he saw the Ifrit – the Smoke Monster – too, in Iraq after one of the murdered women cursed them before she died. Wait – Smoke Monster, really? Is this May 2010 on ABC and am I watching LOST? Well, ok – I guess the LOST Smoke Monster got off the island and is now in True Blood-land. Either that, or it is the evil Smoke Monster from the movie Ghost who ate up Patrick Swayze’s evil friend, Carl, at the end.


Either way, poor private Eller meets the same fate as Carl did after Patrick ties him up, and I don’t think it’s done yet.


Back in Bon Temps, Jason and Andy both wake up naked as jaybirds in their respective houses. For Jason, we can tell he is initially dreaming, because the scenes have that fuzzy, Vaseline-over-the-camera-lens look that the Days of Our Lives soap opera has. Plus, he’s in a He-Man onesie. With footies.


He’s dreaming of his parents and all he can picture are vampire wounds gushing from their necks and he wakes up to his phone ringing  - sans his onesie. Sans any clothes.


Andy wakes up on his own couch while his phone is ringing, too – but it’s to Arlene exclaiming “Cheese and Crackers!!!” as she sees him in the buff, and he looks just as confused as Jason was. (Did anyone notice the old school flip phones Andy and Jason still have? Renard Parrish Sherriff’s Department is due for an upgrade!) They both have been called to the crime scene of Sam’s shifter friends.


At the crime scene, Jason starts seeing things again when he looks at the victims – and it’s just like after he shot Eggs and pictured everyone with a hole in their head. Between this and his anger at vampires again, it seems like some of his past stories may get repeated, but we’ll see. He and Andy have a FANTASTIC conversation – most of which can’t be repeated here, but when Jason reminds Andy that they were in a Fairy bar the night before, Andy tries to be politically correct and tell Jason he can’t say it that way or else they’ll get sued– and Jason says “No Fairy – like TinkerBall”. Andy tells Jason he doesn’t care if those ladies were “fairies, leprechauns, or Ewoks” he’s got a good thing with Holly that he doesn’t want to mess up. After they examine the crime scene and question Sam a little, Jason asks Andy “You know what’s (messed) up?” Andy replies “I got a pretty long list”. I repeat, these two need their own spin-off.


After being questioned, Sam goes to Luna’s to warn her and promises her that “I’m gonna come check on you tomorrow”. Well, that sealed it – you KNOW something bad is going to happen and it does. As he is leaving, masked men in the back of a truck shoot him and Luna in her front yard, and they film the whole grisly scene, too. Little Emma transforms into her baby wolf self and scampers away while Sam watches Luna die in the yard.


Over at Fangtasia, Tara actually is smiling as she saunters through the crowd of customers wearing her best Dancing with the Stars sequined bodice



Pam tells her under that she WILL be bartending that night, and Tara’s smile quickly disappears and she’s backed to being eternally ticked off. Also – I have decided that Pam’s hair is getting bigger and bigger in every episode.



Now, don’t get me wrong, I do love me some big hair – I am from Texas after all – but I sure hope she doesn’t wind up with a ‘do as tall as Marge Simpson’s.


Somehow, I think we’re safe.


After Tara tries to bite a customer and Pam swiftly tells her that that is definitely against the rules in public, Jess tries to help counsel Tara while talking to her at the bar. Jessica should totally sign up as a Big Sister if they ever have that program for vampires, because she gives some great advice. She even tells Tara they could be girlfriends (in a sorority sister sort of way) – but I don’t think Tara had girlfriends like that even when she was human. Jessica lets her know it’s not all bad – that in fact it’s awesome that they will “Live forever, be young forever”.  Later on, Tara goes outside to smoke (REALLY??? I thought they didn’t breathe. I am so confused about all the rules right now) – and runs into Depeche Mode 1980s Hoyt in the alley.



This phase of Hoyt’s just isn’t working for me – so I choose to remember him like this – with his arms all muscle-y and stuff. And without the makeup.  And he’s got sleeves!



Later on in the Fangtasia bathroom, Jessica hears Tara feeding on Hoyt – oh no she DIDN’T!! – and a huge destructive fight breaks out between the two vampires. So much for being girlfriends!


After Sookie and crew collect Doug, Alcide’s employee who was glamoured the night Russell was freed, Sookie reads his erased mind to discover that Russell was freed by a female member of The Authority. While Bill suspects Nora still and Eric angrily denies this, I think it’s Salome – but who knows with this show?  Their fighting is soon halted by the call from The Authority that they have to bring in Russell that night or they will be IStaked. Again, these were Salome’s orders, so she is quite suspicious. Also, as Sookie reads Doug’s mind, they discover that Russell is at an old abandoned creepy hospital. Well of course he is. This is just like an episode of Scooby Doo where those meddling kids have to go solve a mystery at the Haunted Hospital – they even have their own version of the Mystery Mobile!


When they get to the dilapidated hospital fresh off the set of Shutter Island Bill announces that they should all split up and I yell “NOOOOOOOOO! Haven’t you learned from all the Scream movies? You DON’T split up!” Sookie actually echoes my opinion, and reminds them of her Fairy Fingers of Light as a weapon and they all need to stay together.  As they walk through the dark and scary halls, it distinctly reminds me of all of those haunted houses I was foolish enough to walk through when I was younger around Halloween. And by walk through, I mean clasping the hands of the people in front of and behind me and closing my eyes and screaming all the way while taking baby steps. Poor Doug looks just like I did. They stumble into a room of people hanging like sides of meat in pods – waiting to be fed to Russell.  One of the pod- prisoners starts screaming and Bill literally shushes him like Dr Evil after he tells them where Russell can be found.



They see Russell on a stretcher and he admonishes them for making so much noise and taking so long. It is sheer joy to hear his languid cadence again, and I hang on every word, eager to erase the monotone of Roman’s speeches that played over the last few scenes. I honestly can’t remember a word Roman said, but I certainly do remember Russell telling Sookie’s crew that “Like I used to say when Talbot and I were buck hunting” (ahem) “Give it your best shot!” And then Alcide is attacked by wolves and the episode is over!


Welcome back, Crazy, Drawlin’, Charming, Psychotic Russell Edgington. Can you please go find us some Vampire Steve Newlin and we’ll be all set with Southern-Fried Vampire Crazy? Much Obliged!

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  1. 1
    Janet says:

    Best recaps ever! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!!

  2. 2
    Maggie says:

    The Dr. Evil shush made me cackle! So hilarious! The barking boys was easily my favorite scene! Great recap!

  3. 3
    Alaina says:

    Love your recaps! Definitely the best episode so far. So happy to hear Russell again.

    Is it Sunday yet?

  4. 4
    fairy lights says:

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