Bachelor Pad ~ Episode 5

Well, well, well.

This episode.

What can I say?

Bachelor Pad, I want to quit you. Hard.


But before I make any rash decisions, let’s talk it through, kay?


We start at the end of the rose ceremony where David and Jamie got the ax.  Chris is all bent out of shape because without Jamie here, he can smell his imminent eviction in the air.  He goes directly to bed to pout like an adult.

His new partner, Sarah, runs and jumps in bed with him, because I am guessing there is some sort of illness going around the house called, “attracted to douchebag-itis”.  It’s really the only explainable reason that women are flocking to Chris.

Kalon walks in the room and starts to prepare his bunkbed-privacy-fort when Chris confronts him about lying to him and voting for Jamie to leave.  Kalon, cool as a cucumber, simply says, “I tell you what you need to hear”.  Chris, of course, gets completely bent out of shape and bobble-heads his way back under the covers.

He stays there for about 3.4 seconds until he realizes that no one else is coming after him and then decides to find and confront Ed.

Poor Ed.  With all of his sleazy-slimy-alcoholic ways, he sorta-kinda seems like a semi-decent guy.  Right?

Chris comes at Ed, guns-blazing, about lying directly to his face, and Ed says that he was only staying loyal to his partner.  And since he hasn’t changed partners infinity times it’s kind of a priority to him.

Since Chris basically thinks he is “The Wizard of Oz, Great and Powerful”, he reminds Ed that he is only WITH Jaclyn because he forced him to be. I think that Chris has a whole version of the game going inside his head that is completely separate from reality where he stands and points, and laughs maniacally while people do exactly what he commands.

On a side note, I always love that when Chris is fighting with anyone he always pulls out the, “I’m a grown-ass-man” card.  Why is it that you think he says this over and over and over?  Do you think he secretly wants to be in a Madea movie?  Or possibly he has practiced his “3-snap oh-no-you-diin’t” and is dying to use it…either way, I say retire the “grown ass man” phrase.  Please.


The next day they have a challenge.  It’s called “The Great Fall of China”.  Basically you have to get a stacked tower of teacups and saucers from one side of the course to the other.   Everyone yells foul when they find out the challenge, saying that Blakely has an unfair advantage because apparently she has worked at Hooters for the past 15 years or something.

Suddenly VIP cocktail waitress has taken on a whole new meaning.  I had no one that Hooters attracted VIPs.  Hmm.

Either way, after a lot of broken tea cups, Blakely did, indeed, win the challenge, and also coached her new partner, Tony, to victory, as well.

Chris’s head basically exploded at the news.


Since Blakely and Tony are on the same team, they are able to give their other rose out to another “deserving” player.  They decide that Kalon and Lindzi need some alone time and give the non-overnight date to them.

Kalon and Lindzi’s date involves a Bentley, some Neil Lane diamonds and a bridge.  They drive though East LA to get to their destination, which is a tiny table in the middle of a shut-down bridge.  Kalon says it’s very romantic and since he a luxury-specialist I will take his word for it.  I just kept wondering if it smelled like gasoline and motor oil.  The eat, they kiss and Lindzi continues to be boring.


Back at the house, Chris is scheming, saying that if he’s getting voted out, he is going out “like a man” and taking someone down with him.  Again, I wonder what Chris’s definition of “man” is.

He apologizes to Ed for “grown-ass-manning” him and tells him of his idea to get Lindzi voted out to get back at Kalon.  Ed is on board with the plan and Chris thinks he’s back on top.

The next day, Tony and Blakely get ready for their date, which Blakely has decided is going to be super swank, involving helicopters, Vegas and probably gold covered chocolates.  Tony doesn’t care about the swank, he’s more concerned about the skank.  Oops, that wasn’t very nice.  Poor Tony is convinced that there is chemistry between him and Blakely and that she is the hottest girl in the house, by far.

A jeep-type truck pulls up to pick them up and Blakely tries to make the best of it, convinced that the jeep would lead them to a private jet, so they could bathe in money.

She was, again, let down when the jeep led them to an itty-bitty Airstream trailer in the middle of the desert.

They got to eat hot dogs, get dusty and dance to WES on the radio.  Really, worst date EVERRRRRR.

The  next day, when Tony and Blakely return they have to give out the final rose to a girl.  Blakely has worked her VIP cockatily ways on Tony’s innocent eyes and convinced him to give the rose to Jaclyn.  But right before he calls “Jaclyn”, Chris pulls an Emily Maynard move and takes him to the side to try and sway the vote.

What worked on Emily, was no match for Blakely and her death-stare.  Tony eeked out Jaclyn’s name for fear that Blakely  would murder him in his sleep if he didn’t abide.

Poor Tony.

Later at the rose ceremony Chris Harrison pops in and opens up discussion about all the couples in the house. When the focus turned to Ed and Jaclyn, Ed made it very clear that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship. While Jaclyn most likely knew this was the case, she still felt hurt and embarrassed…especially since they had clearly hooked up, made sweet mariachi music together and slept together every single night.

Then after reeking havoc on Jaclyn’s psyche CH decided to drop another bomb on the house…he let them know that everyone in the house has to vote for one woman.  And THAT ousted woman would get to pick the man that got sent home, with no input from the house.

Chris and Sarah feel like they have been given a second chance in the house and start deliberating on which girl needed to get the boot.

Meanwhile Michael Stag gets an idea…he thinks that they should vote out Erica Rose and plant the seed in her head that Chris was the mastermind behind getting her out, so she will take Chris out with her.

This plan is all well and good in theory.  But honestly, Erica Rose is too much of a loose canon to be given any power in this game.  She works off immediate emotion only.

At first everything was going well with Stag’s plan, but when Erica got wind that Chris was “voting her off”, even though he was trying to get Lindzi out, she went cuckoo.  In a smart move, Chris brought Erica into the voting booth with him and showed her that he was voting Lindzi, proving to her that Michael Stag was the ringleader of getting her out.

Of course when the voting went down, Erica made a completely inappropriate speech as she decided to take Michael out.  She walks around with her creepy crystal gavel and told the house something  to the effect of “Say Goodbye to Your Little Friend”.

So now I am left rooting for…Kalon?  Ed?  Whoooooooo????

Help me as I mourn the loss of Stag.

Damn you Erica Rose.


Bachelor Pad airs on Mondays at 8/7 Central

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  1. 1
    SaraJ says:

    Can’t stop laughing! The “grown ass man” comment grates on my last nerve because he may be grown but he acts 12. And…… VIP now means Hooters girl, did you catch Chris’s comment “she was a hooters waitress for 35 years”. Moron. I loved Michael. And Ed “I’m matched up with the widow now” I screamed.

  2. 2
    Ashley says:

    I haven’t fast forwarded an epsiode as much as I did this one…I can’t stand Chris and all the lameness that happens after the challenge…Thanks for the recap. It cleared things up that I have fast forwarded. God bless TIVO!

  3. 3
    Chase says:

    MAN, Chris is turning out to be a major D-bag which makes me feel bad for sort of liking him for a couple of seconds during Emily’s season of Bachelorette.

    I know everyone kind of thinks Blakely is crazy, but I’m actually liking her a lot more now than on Ben’s season of Bachelor. I mean, anyone that says they are going to “donkey punch” someone in the throat is at least a little bit okay in my book.

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