Oh…The Bachelor Pad.
It never seems to disappoint with it’s random hook-ups, break-ups, and all around grossness that can’t be avoided.
Ed? Kalon? Blakely? Unlimited whiskey and hot tub time? Sounds like we have all the ingredients for a skank sandwich.
Yes, I actually said that.
This week’s episode started with the men and women training for their challenge — Rhythmic Gymnastics. I realize that they were trying to be timely with this, but I couldn’t help but be a bit offended for the people who are representing our country in the Olympic Games.
I mean, really.
The men and women were to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine involving spinning ribbons and hula hoops. And to prove the seriousness of the competition, we were introduced to the celebrity judges — Former Bachelorette Ashley and her fiance JP, and Olympic medalist Tasha Schwikert.
Am I the only one wondering what it must have cost to convince her to sell her dignity?
Erica Rose was NOT happy to be judged by a former Olympic gymnast. Newsflash Erica — even a layperson knows you’re going to suck at anything involving physical exertion.
The women were up first, and to say that their routine was bad would be an understatement. It was borderline ridiculous. Did they even want to win? Were they throwing the competition? I honestly don’t know.
Kalon, in true sexist villain fashion, was puzzled, remarking that all women had to do in life was shop or do gymnastics, so why was it so hard? Um…yeah, Kalon….because a woman didn’t work a job to support you AND raise you or anything. Hang on while I cartwheel over to Macy’s to fulfill my life purpose.
The men were up next and they were surprisingly better than the women. Finally, the votes were in and Ed and Erica Rose were voted the Worst, meaning they each had a vote against them going into the Rose Ceremony. Blakely and Michael S were voted the best, earning them each a rose and their pick of 3 date partners.
Fan Donna immediately began obsessing, gathering Michael S. hairs from the bathroom and using them to perform a complicated love spell.
Okay…maybe not. But I’m not TOO far off, trust me.
Erica Rose was in a panic about losing the competition and turned to Michael for reassurance that she would be safe. Michael promised her that he would make sure she didn’t go home, but to the camera he revealed that he is playing for love, not money, and has no strategy. Therefor, Erica would not be invited on his group date.
Michael finally gathered everyone into the living room and announced his picks for his date — Donna, Rachel, and Lindzi.
Erica Rose was NOT happy, stating that Donna “didn’t deserve to be there” and better not get the rose over her.
Just as an aside — where does this misguided superiority over the fans come from? Did she miss the part where all of them were crying in limos after being rejected, while fans sat and home and laughed at them? Who is superior again?
Michael, Donna, Rachel and Linzi got in the limo, which took them to a theater where a band was playing to a small group of random people. Donna wasted no time in trying to shake her groove thang all up in Michael’s business, but she was cut off by Rachel, who swooped in and took over. Within minutes, Rachel and Michael were kissing, which didn’t really thrill Donna at all.
Back at the mansion, Ryan was busy making a cake for his partner Jamie’s birthday. He then decorated her bed with candy, flowers, and balloons and surprised her with a sushi dinner. Awwww…
Jamie however, was less than thrilled with the surprise, saying to the camera that she wanted to leave Ryan and have Chris as her new partner. As they sat and ate, Ryan mentioned that he and Chris had discussed partners earlier and Chris was adamant that Ryan and Jamie stay together because he was staying with Blakely.
Jamie was immediately confused and upset and confronted Chris about his remarks. Chris, thinking that he is the world’s biggest player (he went from Hulk Rager to Scumbag in a matter of days, I swear), told her that he was still on track with switching partners, and not to worry. He then pathetically begged her for a kiss, which I think was supposed to be cute, but was really just disgusting.
Back on Michael’s date, he decided to pull each of the women aside for some one on one time.
Rachel was first, and they basically spent the entire time kissing.
Donna was next, and she immediately revealed her inner
psycho fan girl by showing him a drawing she had done of him earlier. That she had just happened to bring along on the date.
Michael, instead of taking the most logical route of running away screaming, then calling all local scientists to ensure that Donna hadn’t begun the process of cloning his DNA, decided to throw a pity make-out session her way. You know…fulfill a fangirl dream.
Yeah…not really a fan of that tactic, Michael.
Either Lindzi didn’t get alone time, or it was too boring to show. Sorry Lindzi!!
The date ended with Michael awarding the Rose to Rachel. Donna was mucho sad.
Back at the mansion, Chris was still busy putting his spin on the Blakely/Jamie situation. After reassuring Blakely that is is just using Jamie and telling her what she wants to hear, he took Blakely upstairs for a smooch session in her bottom bunk.
The bottom bunk that is directly underneath Jamie’s TOP BUNK.
Of course, Jamie found them and climbed up the ladder to her bed, sobbing.
The next day, Blakely announced her choices for her group date — Chris (duh), Ed, and newbie Dave. Erica Rose threw her typical “fans are scum” fit, worrying that Dave would play with Blakely’s erratic emotions and swindle the rose out of her.
On the date, the group had to decorate their own soapbox car and then race against one another. Each man was convinced he would win the race, especially Chris, looking more bobbleheaded than ever.
Ultimately, Ed won the race and was awarded a trophy that he used to drink champagne out of. Big surprise.
The group then headed over the the house that the Bachelor or Bachelorette stays in while the show is filming and wasted no time hopping in the pool. Blakely pulled each of the men aside for alone time, starting with Dave. Dave appealed to her emotional side, reminding her of how she was “unfairly” ganged up on during Ben’s season and that she has a chance to right a wrong by being there for him. He then basically offered to sell his soul for the group date rose, and she said she’d think about it.
Blakely then pulled Chris aside, and confronted him about his loyalty to their partnership. He told her that he’d be happy with her anywhere. Apparently he is not as slick as he thinks, because even Blakely was a little suspicious.
Either there was no alone time with Ed, or they just didn’t bother showing it. Sorry Ed!!
The date ended with Blakely giving the rose to a very smug Chris. Surprise surprise.
The next night at the mansion was pure crazy. Emily Rose was kissing some girl (couldn’t see who…who WAS IT??), Rachel and Michael were kissing, Dave and twin Erica were paired up, as were Kalon and Lindzi and Chris and Blakely.
Ed was totally wasted, screaming and drinking out of his soapbox trophy.
Sarah (Brad’s first season), looking around and seeing all the couples, decided that she didn’t want to be left out. Setting her sights on Ed, she wasted no time in seducing him. They then headed to his room. I don’t know what exactly happened under those covers, but it involved lots of screaming about pickles.
Over on the couch outside, the twins were busy trying to talk strategy with Nick and Tony. Good tactic girls — try to get on the good side with the LEAST influential men on the entire show. What started as a group conversation turned into a fight between the twins, who spent the rest of the night bickering loudly.
They fought outside.
They fought inside.
The fought in bed.
They fought out of bed.
The entire house was basically ready to chase them out with pitchforks and I can’t say that I blame them.
Twin Erica finally decided that she would leave. Of course, this was after she threatened to kill herself, which apparently she didn’t mean because she was still alive and not a ghost. Erica headed outside to where her boyfriend Dave was sleeping and tried to tell him goodbye, but he was too out of it to understand twin drama.
The twins finally left, fighting the whole way out.
When Dave woke up to the news that the twins had left, he was shocked that Erica didn’t tell him goodbye. I think he must be somehow related to my husband, who never hears a crying child if he is trying to get a good night’s sleep.
Later that night at the Rose Ceremony, the women were informed that because of the twin’s departure, they would all be safe.
Kalon, seeing that the general consensus was to vote out newbie Dave, decided to shake things up a bit and put Lindzi up to rallying for Ryan to leave. I don’t know if he had a real reason, or was just bored. He said it was because he didn’t trust Ryan but I’m not sure I’ve seen enough of him to think he was much of a threat.
Reid, becoming nervous about alliances Ed has formed in the house, decided to try to rally for Ed to go home. Sarah, who had hooked up with Reid the night before, agreed, casting a vote for him to leave. She then TOLD Ed she voted for him to go, immediately regretted it, and started crying.
Finally the votes were counted and Ryan was sent packing, bitter and confused.
Next week promises more Chris and Jamie drama, Michael and Rachel love time, and Ed and Reid get in a fight!!