Ok, after a week off last week we are picking back up where the Housewives left off: their Napa Camping Road Trip.
The episode starts out in the early morning…the men are all sitting around drinking wine with their cereal talking about how they are going to give surfing a try, while Albert chops wood a few feet away.
Who else was scared for Albert’s thumbs? He was THIS close to losing a digit.
Meanwhile, back at the cereal/wine station the men were talking tattoos…here’s where the episode got horrifying…
Vito apparently has a bear tat on his bottom. But it appeared that to view the tattoo there needed to be some spreading and separating, which didn’t stop him from dropping trou and bending over.
I gagged. Literally.
And what was even worse, is that Joe Gorga didn’t even see the tattoo, to which Vito responded that the bear “must have crawled back in his cave.” Double gag.
Since they had all decided to go surfing after 16 bottles of wine they first needed to get the appropriate surf paraphernalia. They all geared up in wet suits, which prompted Joe Gorga to make the inappropriate analogy that wet suits are like giant black condoms, and he was suddenly turned on.
This statement was odd on multiple levels, but I will let you draw your own conclusions.
They all get in the water with their surf boards at varying levels of mediocrity.
After trying to show Kathy up, Teresa falls off her surfboard and hurts her toe. Apparently the cold water helped her toe to stop hurting, because the rest of the afternoon went off with the usual RHNJ hijinks: Joe Gorga pulling down his pants for Juicy, Juicy being drunk and slurry and a game of truth or dare that lead to Joe Gorga asking for tropical fruit from the neighbors in his underwear. You know, the usual.
During the game of Truth or Dare, Lauren decided it might be the appropriate time to ask Albie a loaded “truth” question…something to the effect of was he was scared of in the future if him, Christopher and her would grow apart and not stay as close as they are now. Albie’s answer was no bueno…Obviously he had been drinking, but he answered saying he would be happy when they weren’t so close, because that’s the natural evolution of life…
The moment was interrupted with groaning from Teresa about her ankle…she feared the focus had gotten too far off of her, so moaning about her toe/ankle surfing injury was the best was to turn it around.
The next day the group moved camping locations to a promising sounding “Casini Ranch”.
The ranch wasn’t what the group expected, being basically an RV park in the woods, slightly different from the RV park on the pavement that they just came from. The main difference with the ranch was that it was located in the deep woods, with no cell service and people wearing cut-off denim.
The local food store was the equivalent to a Quick Check and didn’t offer anything more than whiffle balls and mood rings. It didn’t look like the group was lacking in the food department though, because the spread they put out for dinner made me insanely hungry!
While loading their plates up, Lauren made some snappy comments to Vito, which Christopher responded telling her to go back to “#3″, referring to the Wakili’s RV. Lauren got bent out of shape at Christopher’s comments and the lack of support from her family (even though she was acting like a total brat) and stormed off to the RV and locked herself in. Poor, poor Vito.
The next morning, after the appropriate amount of naked calisthenics the group decided to take a canoe trip in a river tick infested stream. Hilarity ensued when Melissa and Joe’s boat flipped, after her concerns were ignored that the canoe was sinking. Her screaming and everyone else’s lack of concern made me laugh.
Later that night at the camp site, Teresa and Jacqueline decided to talk out their relationship.
What happened was Teresa telling Jacqueline that she still wasn’t going to share her “real life” with Jacqueline and Jacqueline crying and apologizing. That’s basically the just of it. I so wished that I could feed Jacqueline all the right things to say ala Cyrano de Bergerac. The conversation would have gone much differently. Trust that.
Caroline said it best when she stated that Jacqueline was going to get hurt. It’s the truth. Because their therapy session didn’t change anything about their relationship.
Next week looks AHMAZINGG. There is a scene in the preview where Juicy gets a phone call at dinner, excuses himself to take the call, and tells the person on the other end that he has to go because his “bitch wife” is coming, when Teresa looks suspicious about the phone call. The whole scene alludes to it being another woman on the phone. I know Bravo is king of setting up a preview to look like the ultimate drama, and then we are let down at the actual episode, but this one really looks like a doozy.
The Real Housewives of new Jersey airs Sunday nights at 10 EST
The shrieking that Melissa did when her canoe flipped was ear splitting annoying. So annoying it wasn’t even funny, Ugh, these people! Why can’t I turn away?!