Today is the day we are going to talk about one of the most awkward television moments in all of history.
Are you ready? Good.
If you’ve been keeping up with the Jersey housewives, you’ll remember that they are on a business/pleasure RV trip to a Napa winery. Apparently this episode was the one where they were finally reaching their planned destination. Thank goodness because I don’t think I could take much more RV living, even just watching from my couch.
The episode opened with Teresa making Juicy Joe pose for photos with her in the RV. He was frowning, she was trying to force him to look happy…it was basically a glimpse in to the reality of their entire marriage. Of course, Teresa brushed it off by saying that he gets grumpy if he doesn’t get hanky panky AT LEAST once a day. Because her MO is explaining away his bad personality by blaming it on her desirableness.
Nice spin Teresa. But we are not buying it.
Finally the group headed towards Lancaster Estate, the winery and resort where they would be staying. On the drive, Caroline and Jaqueline discussed her conversation with Teresa the night before. Naturally, Caroline wasn’t happy, sensing that the whole conversation was just manipulation on Teresa’s part. Jaqueline tried to convince Caroline that she had new limits with Teresa and wouldn’t be hurt again. By “limits” she meant “I agreed not to talk about personal things and be satisfied with learning about one of my oldest friends from gossip magazines”.
In Teresa and Melissa’s RV, they also talked about Teresa and Jaquelines conversation the night before. Melissa took Jaqueline’s side, telling Teresa that she needed to stop giving so much negative info to trash magazines and Teresa took it surprisingly well.
I have feeling she is laying low because of secret marriage drama, but who knows.
On the way to the resort, the group passed by several vineyards. Teresa immediately jumped on Juicy Joe’s lap, screaming about wanting to “Get out and DO it”. Joe was less than enthused and it was awkward. She’s obviously trying waaaay too hard and it’s kind of sad.
After arriving at the resort, the group headed to Levindi Winery, which was the main purpose of the trip. Chris originally planned on only taking the Manzo boys with him to the meeting, but somehow the entire family ended up going. Chris worried a little on the way over, reminding everyone that this was for business and asking them to be on their best behavior.
It’s like he doesn’t even know these people, seriously. Where is your brain, Chris??
The group arrived at the winery and were taken on a tour of the cellars. When the tour guide told them that the wine barrels cost about $1000 each, Juicy Joe loudly announced that HE could get them for about $800.
What he DIDN’T say was the first they had to be fished out of the river and the dead bodies removed. Ooops.
They were all given tastes of wine, and good ol’ Juicy immediately complained that he didn’t like his. Then he asked Rich if he wanted to “leave and get something to eat”. I guess his plan was to take off walking across wine country in search of a McDonald’s?
Meanwhile, the Gorgas weren’t faring much better, with Joe Gorga loudly announcing that his wine tasted like his wife.
Sick. Just sick. What was that wine again? Because I am never drinking it ever.
The tour then moved outside to the vineyards where Joe and Melissa wasted no time in getting nasty with a bunch of grapes. Chris and Albie were humiliated and although I wanted to feel sorry for them, they had to have seen this coming.
The group finally headed back to Lancaster Estate, while the Levindi people no doubt breathed a huge sigh of relief and began spraying every visible surface with disinfectant. The group sat down to visit and have a snack, and then were taken on a tour of the winery.
They walked down to the wine cellar/cave while Teresa talked loudly about her crotch.
There was a table and wine glasses set up in the cave that was just gorgeous, but no one seemed to notice. They were too focused on a lion statue in the corner. Teresa started pointing and saying it was a statue of a pee pee, Juicy Joe and Joe Gorga were making crude private part references and jumping on it…it was nothing less than what I’d expect from a bus load of juvenile delinquents on a field trip. Or orangutangs. Whatever.
Sensing that things were going downhill quickly and it was time to move on, Lauren placed a blindfold on Caroline and they led her to a gorgeous table set on a hill in the vineyard. It turned out that Caroline had turned 50 the week before, and her family wanted to do something special to celebrate. The boys and Lauren gave speeches and everyone cried. I have to say that if my kids grow up and have half the nice things to say about me that Caroline’s kids do, I’ll be a happy lady.
While everyone visited and gathered for photos, Juicy Joe got a text message and told Teresa he had to go make a call. Aaaaaand this is where things seriously went downhill.
Joe walked off, obviously forgetting that his microphone off. And what we heard was this:
“Hey, what are you doing? OOOOOOOHHHHHH (nasty man cackle) DON’T tell me THAT!!” (now, I took this to mean that whoever was on the other end said she was doing something…”naughty”. Obviously I am not an expert, but it was pretty obvious)
“Oh wait..I’ve gotta go. My B*$#H wife is coming. I hate that C*#T” (I will tell you right now that the “C” word should be outlawed. If I even found out that it was in my husband’s VOCABULARY, let alone being used in reference to ME, that would be grounds for divorce)
Teresa, sensing that something was up (I have a feeling that this goes on a lot at home), walked up to him, asking who he was on the phone with. Joe immediately replied, “a worker” and told her that the person only spoke Spanish and wouldn’t understand her.
Obviously, we know this is a lie because of the previous conversation.
THEN — and this is where it got even MORE awkward — Joe actually started speaking in Spanish. Like…a whole conversation about construction supplies. While Teresa stood there staring.
Joe quickly got off the phone and Teresa started asking more questions. Did he HAVE to answer the call? Couldn’t it have waited? Of course Joe told her no, the conversation was super important and it was obvious he was lying. Teresa then grabbed his hand and started leading him towards the vineyards while the rest of the group tried to call them over to join them for photos.
And THIS is where things got the MOST awkward of all.
Teresa started trying to seduce Joe in the vineyard. And Joe was NOT having it.
She was lifting up her skirt, begging, and Joe kept yelling and calling her a whore. Then he finally said something to the effect of “fine whatever, let’s just get it over with” The group at the table tried to play it cool, but they could all see what was going down and it was major uncomfortable. Is it just me, or is it possible that Joe’s girlfriend watches the show and he’s trying not to make her mad?
Happy birthday, Caroline!! Ahem.
The couple then joined the others at the table. Teresa discreetly said that Joe had wanted to try some grapes, but Juicy wasn’t having it. He let everyone know that Teresa had to have a quickie, and you could see embarrassment written all over her face.
The next day, Melissa and Joe and Teresa and Juicy woke up in the room they were sharing. Joe and Melissa were loving and snuggly in their bed together, while Teresa tried to kiss her husband while he pushed her face away.
The group later began preparing for dinner together, and Jaqueline did Teresa’s hair while Teresa complained about Kathy and the Mom Recipe Situation. It’s pretty obvious that now that Teresa and Jaqueline have made up, Kathy is back on the outs. Predictable, don’t you think?
Meanwhile, Caroline went to Kathy’s room to have her hair done, and they discussed the conversation with Teresa and Jaqueline the night before. Jaqueline ended up joining them, and it came out that Kathy was feeling left out. Now that Teresa has made amends with Melissa and Jaqueline, Kathy feels like her cousin has pushed her to the side. The girls decided to place Kathy next to Teresa at dinner, hoping that would spark conversation between them.
Well. Let’s just say that things didn’t go according to plan.
After the group was seated, Chris gave nice toast. Things should have been left at that, but Teresa had to butt in with a toast of her own. Teresa toasted Jaqueline…Teresa toasted Melissa…Teresa toasted Caroline…Teresa did NOT toast Kathy.
No toast for cousin Kathy.
Caroline refused to raise her glass, she was so angry. Teresa was oblivious to the drama, talking with Juicy Joe about bacon and diarrhea while the Manzo end of the table stewed.
Next week’s episode promises mad drama as the events of the evening come to a head. It’s gonna be a good one!!