Alrighty y’all – we are on our second to last episode of not only the season, but under the tenure of Alan Ball as head writer and show runner. I noticed he was not the writer of this episode or the director, so I assume he will be for next week’s, but we shall see. Doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of crazy going on for us to talk about and discuss:
Annnnnnd…. The elevator opens up and we are back at the ole Authority Stompin’ grounds. Oh goodie! Said no viewer of the show ever. I wonder if the actors are as tired of this set as we are? Bill briskly walks out with a vera vera serious and official face, and starts hearing Lilith’s voice beckoning him again, moaning “Only one can lead us. I choose youuuuu….” Well, Lilith, you know what I choose? I choose for you to take a much needed bath and maybe go to a ladies’ spa to get some things in order. Then you need to go on a Pretty Woman shopping spree and put some damn clothes on. I don’t know if those snooty clerks will ignore you like they did Julia Roberts since you are naked and covered in blood and you mewl like a wild animal and all but I am sure you can glamour them into helping you. But you don’t need to go a dentist, I’ll give you that. Your fangs are pearly white. We’re left wondering if this was real or just a vision – and Bill wonders the same.
Nora is starting to have second thoughts regarding her allegiance to Lilith as she replays her vision of Godric in her head, and Salome walks in letting her know an important human general will be coming soon to visit to discuss the current turn of events. Let’s just put this out there folks. Salome’s wig bugs. It’s just as bad as the one K-Stew wore in the Twilight movie Eclipse after she cut her hair for that other awful movie she was in. I feel like it is so loose on her head, she must be storing her script up there or something in case she forgets her lines during a scene. Not that I pay attention to her nonsense dialogue anyway anymore, but it is very distracting to look at. At least it gives me something to do during her scenes now.
When Nora fervently kisses Salome on the lips like Al Pacino did to Fredo in The Godfather, it is very suspicious….
When Jessica asks Bill for permission to warn Sookie and Jason that Russell and Steve Newlin are on the loose, Bill denies her and tells her “Part of the part of accepting Lilith is….Jason and Sookie are food and nothing more”. (And once again, Sookie who?!?!?!) Jessica then throws out that she could turn Jason into a vampire, but Bill sees right through this ploy and doesn’t take kindly to it, and agrees – but only if Jessica takes guards with her to make sure she really does it.
No other way to say it, but Bill is a TOTAL jackhole now. Power and religion are not pretty colors on him. Self-doubting and tormented Bill is a much more likable Bill.
Eric is pacing in his bedroom like a caged panther and Nora comes to him, and all is suddenly forgiven as she apologizes and they do the deed that he boasted made them champions. After they are done, the human general arrives and lets the chancellors know he knows they are behind the True Blood plant destructions, and after repeatedly insisting to speak to Roman, Bill lets him know HE is in charge. The general tells them “You psychotic bloodsuckers… Roman was the only one keeping the world from sliding back into the dark ages… and I suggest that YOU think carefully about what YOU say next”. Once he tells them this, we know his seconds are numbered despite his evidence of Russell and Steve’s murder spree at the frat house that will be released if he is killed. And then Eric snaps his neck. Why? Is he a true believer or does he just not care to be threatened? I think it’s the latter – if not an even more brilliant ploy to help eliminate the Authority’s connections to humans who will help them. The chancellors all start to argue amongst themselves, and Eric has a plan to supposedly glamour people to forget about this or the video – and it’s also a way for he and Nora to get out. Brilliant, Viking King, brilliant! Once they are out, Eric and Nora quickly kill their guards that Bill sent with them (Bill is not only a pompous and unlikeable ruler, he’s also a stupid one), and Nora ceremoniously removes her AVL necklace and they disappear into the night.
In Fairyland, Sookie is coming to grips that she was sold to a vampire 300 years ago. When Jason leaves the portal, everything seems so morose and sad cello music plays,you have to wonder if he will be ok as the night continues on. When Jessica meets him to supposedly turn him, he is just NOT getting her hints she is trying to subtly drop around those assigned guards, she finally just has to bite him after she whispers to him “Trust Me”. As the guards start to cover them up with dirt in a grave for him to turn (which I wondered why they couldn’t do at vampire speed/ they were just doing at normal, slow human speed), Jason rises and shoots them with wooden bullets and kills them and Jess lets him know all the danger that is out there. Despite Jess’s sincerity and touching moment to let him know that she WOULD have chosen him to spend eternity with, for once a girl isn’t the first thing on Jason’s mind and he leaves to go warn Sookie.
Mirella tells Sookie that it will be a great honor for her to meet the elder who can answer questions regarding Warlow, despite the difficult time the elder has focusing because “she operates on many frequencies… time has no meaning to her”. And this is where I almost turned off my TV. We’re cruising along, this episode is moving fast, storylines are coming together, and then I am slapped in the face with this idiot fairy elder. Seriously, she’s been around for eons, and she does some insane modern ballet dance from West Side Story on that stage and proceeds to ask Sookie: “Ke$ha, for or against? Boys 2 Men, for or against? John Cougar Mellencamp, for or against?” I tell you this much, I’m against this little scene right here. Nope, I’m out, True Blood writers. I get this show has maenads, and vampires, and were-pigs, and even otherworldly physical specimens that suspend belief like Jason Stackhouse’s abs
But this is too much. I don’t like the taste of this kool-aid. The crazy elder tells Sookie that her destiny is entwined with Warlow’s and that “A dark time is coming. You will be tested. Hold on to your light”. And just as she is about to tell her more about Warlow, she is interrupted by the sound of Jason yelling for Sookie outside the portal. Of course she is. Jason rushes in to warn her about Bill and Eric because “they’ve found vampire religion” and Russell Edgington, and the elder freaks out when she hears that Russell Edgington is alive. Sookie insists they have to fight back to the scared fairies, and the elder finally gathers her wits and agrees that they will fight with Sookie. Jason and Sookie go over the plan the next day in a field in the human world, and it’s such a touching scene between brother and sister.
And what I choose to believe is some sort of penance for just putting us through that scene, we now are with a shirtless Alcide hammering the dirt for some reason I am sure is important, but for a purpose I don’t understand. ‘Sokay with me.
I forgive you now, True Blood writers. We are friends again.
A former pack member comes to warn them about baby vamps that are forming into groups and running wild (Twilight storyline anyone?). And right on queue, the baby vamps show up that night only slightly deterred by the silver fence the Herveaux’s had built, and when Alcide looks to be in serious trouble fighting one of them, his dad saves him by shooting the vamp with wooden arrows. Once the scene is over, I pretty much determine that an out of breath, hair-tussled Alcide looks just as good as any other Alcide.
At Merlotte’s, when Holly tries to get her boys to apologize to Andy, and he assures them that he will be good to their mother despite one of them acting like a total brat, we know it’s not going to be that simple. And it’s not. When Andy asks Terry and Arlene how they keep their relationship so strong, Arlene replies “Trust… Honesty… Loyalty… Cuz you never know when some Iraqi ghost lady is gonna show up and curse your entire family”. Yes, this IS always something that I have worried about, and now they have given me a best practice to follow in case it does. And then…. That very moment Mirella shows all in her pregnant glory at the bar insisting that Andy honor his supposed promise to “swear upon the light” even though he replies, befuddled, “I’m not stupid. I know people might think I’m stupid, but they’re wrong. All I know is your fanger lit up and I touched it… and I am just more comfortable with someone of the same species”. Mirella is NOT pleased and denying this oath is considered “an act of war”. Poor Andy, he may not be stupid, but he sure is unlucky.
At Fangtasia, Pam and Tara are trying to make sure all evidence of Elijah’s True Death have been removed. Pam, in her Flock of Seagulls on Steroids hairdo has to explain all the vampire hierarchy and politics to Tara – and commands Tara to never speak of Elijah’s death again. Jessica comes in and begs Pam to hide her, and Pam initially says no and tells her “Since when did I become a halfway house for baby vamps?” Jessica uses the only leverage she has and tells Pam that she knows where Eric is, and this gets Pam’s attention – and Jess a safe place to stay – for now….until Cougar Chancellor Rosalyn shows up looking for Elijah, one of her 240 progeny (of course he was) and she can not only smell his blood there but Jessica there as well. When Pam takes the blame for Elijah’s death, “He was gettin’ on my nerves”, Rosalyn arrests her and sniffs out Jessica to take her back to the Authority as well.
Sam and Luna finally take human shape at the Authority HQ, and they can smell Emma somewhere in the building. The guards mistake them for prisoners (food) that are trying to escape, and Sam volunteers to be the one to go see Bill to be his breakfast. He passes Pam in the hallway as he is being escorted out and she is escorted in and they both wonder why each other are there. When Sam yells back to Pam to “Help Luna” and she replies “Who the (bleep) is Luna?” – it’s funny because you know Pam is so thoroughly DONE with helping people even if she DOES know them.
Lilith again comes to Bill again in all of her nasty-glory and leaves a blood print on his lips, so now he KNOWS it’s true and he MUST be the chosen one. But Lilith has other plans, she comes to one of the other chancellors, and when he insists to Bill that he has been chosen, Bill promptly kills him to nip THAT issue in the bud. When Jessica is brought before him after disobeying Bill’s orders to really turn Jason, he slaps her across the room in response to her defiance to “choose a human over vampire!!!”, and it is heartbreaking. He used to be such a gentle and loving – uhhhh – dad. He yells “I am on the CHOSEN ONE!! Lilith CHOSE ME!!!” Uh, no she didn’t. While you are slapping Jess around, Bill, that crazy bitch is telling Salome that she is chosen as well.
That night, Russell and Steve quickly capture Jason – and they glamour him and he eagerly tells them she is with the fairies “at the club out by the Thibidideaux farm” – and Russell is allllllllllllllllllllll business now as they go to the fairies. Once in the field, Russell and Steve dart about like pin balls trying to find the fairies. When the elder comes out to try to banish Russell, he catches her – “You are turbocharged!!!” and drinks all of her light like a cold beer at the end of a hot summer day until she evaporates into ashes. With power from this light, he can see into the Fairy Portal
Which – did anyone notice looked like a vampire eating all of the fairies? That couldn’t have been a coincidence? They really do need to rethink their decor for a multitude of reasons.
I don’t know if this means he can get INTO the portal as he tells them he would “Love to come to dinner” – and it ends with him rushing to the portal. So – that leaves us with a TON of loose ends for next week – but at least we won’t be asked who our favorite musician is anymore by some ancient fairy with concentration issues!
Until next week,