So last week we took the week off from True Blood…no worries, though…Michelle is back for more vamp talk.
And apparently last week’s episode was snoozeville.
(In the previous episode, Luna turned into a Sam skinwalker, our vampires returned from their New Orleans blood binge and plotted on how to erase the Mainstreaming Movement, Alcide and Rikki had sexy time like it was an Olympic sport (thank you baby Jesus), Hoyt was kidnapped by the supe shooters when he wouldn’t kill Jessica, Lafayette returned home from Mexico, and Sookie was able to picture and connect with Warlow – the vampire who killed her parents when she visited the crash site.) You know, just a normal Sunday evening…)
Once again, we open at Authority HQ (BOOOOO!) – this time watching the breaking news of a True Blood factory – the largest in the world – that had been attacked and is now demolished. (Oh – how I wish they could do that to the Authority Headquarters). As Bill, Eric, Steve, Nora, Salome, and Russell watch this with a frightened naked man tied up on a table as their celebratory meal, Russell asks if anyone should say Grace, and Eric demurs, saying “prayer is a fairly new concept to me” and good ole Country Bumpkin’ Cousin Steve jumps in with a prayer that sounded a lot like ‘There was a girl from Nantucket…’ While Russell takes delight in this levity, Salome is NOT amused – this is for Lillith by golly!!! No laughing in church!!!– but they all proceed to devour the man anyway.
Eric secretly meets up with the teacup size Istake –techie vampire, Molly, to conspire on how to escape the HQ. (I really was seriously wondering why they were still there – I guess held against their will – so that makes more sense on why he hasn’t come home yet. Bill, I think he’s drinking the Lillith Kool Aid too much right to even want to leave). Did you notice when they were talking that Eric was sitting on a table and at eye level with her then? I wonder if she ever wants to climb him like a tree because he’s so much taller than she? I would, and I’m even afraid of heights.
Eric confronts Bill –telling him he’s laying it on a little thick with his act, and Bill tries to tell Eric that Lillith COULD be God. Bill tells Eric, “Ahh’m lost, Ahhh don’t know who to trust… everything Ahh’ve believed in has been turned upside down” – and there it is. If Bill can’t be Sweet, Docile Vampire Bill of Bon Temps, he has no idea who he is and he is looking for some guidance. He’s never liked himself as a vampire, so maybe if he believes that God really IS one, it is ok to be who he is. (Thank you, class. Pysch 101 is over for today).
Eric retorts with his ace in the hole: “What about Sookie? Is she just food to you now?… Whatever religious crisis you are having you can have somewhere else. We are getting the hell outta here”. He shares the escape plan with sounds of a distressed human in the background.
Eric subdues Nora, and even though Bill was supposed to follow through with Salome’s blood, he turns into a traitor after he pictures Lillith again when he has sexy-time with Salome. (Sookie who???) Between his scene with Lillith all covered in blood, Salome as an ancient belly dancer, and the one a couple of years ago twisted Lorena’s head around, I would say that Stephen Moyer wins the creativity award when it comes to love(?) scenes. Bill reveals Eric’s escape plan and turns them in to Salome, and Eric is taken away moments before his planned escape. This is SOOOOOO not going to help Bill’s case in the Team Bill vs Team Eric debate.
With Lafayette continuing his best Whoopi Goldberg impression in Ghost (he even states this himself saying he is “way prettiah”), it looks like Lala has all of his old mojo back – and fabulous eyelashes to boot! In Sookie’s bathroom, she is imploring him to help her find the “creepy ass spirit thingy” (Warlow) that was haunting her, and when they move to her bedroom he starts hearing voices, one of which is Gran Stackhouse and he listens to her, but not the others because he “ain’t gmail for dead bitches”. And of course, dead spirits have to give some sort of vague message instead of just saying it, so Sookie is prompted to look at the collection of old family mementos under the bed to find out the truth. As they are looking through the mementos, somehow retired Sherriff Dearborn’s name comes up twice: his wife used to be Jason’s teacher and he was the one who discovered the bodies of Sookie’s parents. Well that explains that random scene between Dearborn and Andy a couple of weeks ago. Sookie thinks this is what Gran is trying to tell Sookie – and Lala, waving himself with dramatic effect, says “She coulda just said so. Why y’all gotta be so cryptic? It ain’t cute”. Holla, Lala. Holla.
At the Sherriff’s Station, Jessica is so distraught over Hoyt’s disappearance, she starts crying blood tears (Does anyone else wonder how they do that on the show?) When Jason tells the guards that they need to keep Jessica in their site, regardless if “she’s sleeping or taking a dump”, Jessica tells him she doesn’t do that. And suddenly – SQUIRREL! SHINY OBJECT! Jason is distracted by this nugget of knowledge because, “being a vampire’s got its perks. The no dumpin’ and all” – but he still promises he’s got it covered and she needs to be safe.
Sam and Luna are arguing over her healthcare needs since she is still recovering from her gunshot and skinwalking – it’s been a tough week – and she is not cooperating at all. She’s not very likable, and I wonder if she is EVER easy to get along with and Sam even tells her “You’re really… annoying, you know that?!?” Yes. Yes she is. I liked her better when she was in Sam’s body as a skinwalker. He gives in, and they rush to the Sherriff’s station to let Andy know they picked up the scent of pigs where Jessica was held captive. Andy panics and says “PIGS?” (He must be thinking: I KNOW THAT PIG!!! – Season 2)
But when they let him know it was just pig poo, and not a maenad pig – he is relieved. He’s about had it with Sam “turning into a dog, and she turns into you” and all the supes and “were-chickens”, he doesn’t know what to do. He’s trying to be a good sheriff, but I don’t think they have a Best Practices handbook for law enforcement in a town filled with supernaturals. When Andy, Kevin, and Jason brainstorm over what the caught shooters, Junior and Joe Bob, have in common, Jason says “both have dumbass whitetrash names startin’ with J…” and “the world is going to Hell in a handbucket”. After discovering video on Joe Bob’s computer, they realize that Bud Dearborn is one of the Supe Shooters and hear them on the video reference over and over again the Dragon.
Sookie goes to Bud’s looking for answers, and he knows she’s trying to read his mind after he admits that he does believe a ‘vampir’ did it, and that vampires have been causing trouble forever – he even blames Sookie for Gran’s death. What I don’t get is why Sookie couldn’t hear the mind of Bud’s girlfriend, Sweetie Des Arts, when she came up behind her and clocked her on the head. (Or hear her lumbering footsteps, either). Before we met Sweetie, I had honestly thought Maxine Fortenberry was the Dragon the whole time. We haven’t seen nearly enough of her this season, and she does have that mean streak in her.
Sookie awakens in the pigsty and sees an unconscious and barely alive Hoyt there too. Since she used up her Fairy Powers, she can’t do anything to get out. Sweetie comes in and convinces Bud that Sookie and Hoyt should die, too and that supes should be shot on sight. They drug Sookie just as they have drugged Hoyt – and then right when they try to feed them to the pigs, Sam catches Sookie (as a pig of course) and Andy and Jason burst into the barn as well. When Bud won’t give up, Andy shoots him and he falls to the ground. Luna chases Sweetie down, and proceeds to beat the everlovin tar out of her in revenge for the shootings. Oh – and in their human form, Sam and Luna are naked as jaybirds the whole time. It’s True Blood, of course they are.
In the requisite amber glow of a flashback when he was a teenager, Alcide is driving to Jackson and thinking about when he chose pack over human as a youth with his father as leader (and an innocent looking Debbie at his side). Did anyone else think that his father, played by Robert Patrick (the Terminator) looks just like Scott Weiland from STP? No? Just me?
Alcide’s old man is obviously a loser, and tells him they are just alike – and Alcide refuses to accept this.
When Russell goes to show off his power over JD and the werewolf pack to Steve, he takes Emma away from Martha when she will not drink from him. He gives her to Steve as a pet, because Steve never had one as his father was allergic to “everything but God”. He tells him to “stick with me darlin’. I’ll give you the world”. Why Emma doesn’t change form, I don’t know, but that is one cute puppy. I still don’t think I would want to make Mumblin’ Martha mad…
In a very sweet moment, Terry admits to Arlene that she’s “the only reason he’s fighting at all” when he leaves to offer Patrick a fair fight to appease the Ifrit’s demands. The next day, Patrick holds Arlene hostage at Merlotte’s (which he has made Arlene close for the day) – using her as bait for Terry. Terry winds up shooting Patrick, and the woman-Ifrit appears and in her smoke form appeased by Patrick’s death, and takes away Patrick’s body.
Back at Fangtasia, Pam is watching the True Blood factory breaking news on her pink computer. AWESOME. I am actually surprised it isn’t bedazzled, too. She and Tara are still wearing their matching Mommy- and- Me- Slutty- Vampire- Geisha- outfits as well. Now, THAT would make an awesome family portrait! Forget all those cute ideas you have seen on Pinterest , THIS is the way to go!
Tara wants to stockpile the True Blood and ration it, but Pam disagrees because she knows the vampires are going to start eating on humans. When Tara realizes the factory fires are on purpose, Pam tells Tara “There are two things I try to stay away from: Humans who eat a lot of fish, and politics. So whatever comes next, we keep our heads down, our (ta-tas) up, and the True Blood flowing”. Other than the True Blood flowing part, that’s kinda a motto of mine as well. Tara wants to let Pam know that she is there to talk about her worries, but Pam retorts “Just because we drank… together does not make us Oprah and Gayle”. I guess we won’t be seeing a road trip to Yellowstone special with them anytime soon. Sigh…. I would so DVR that! Within minutes, chaos erupts when Pam confronts a creepy looking vampire feeding on a human on Eric’s throne, but he throws her across the room and tells her “the monarchs have lifted the ban on public feeding and Northman is history” and that he is now the sheriff of Area 5.
When Sookie is back on her couch recovering from the pig farm, her fairy cousins show up out of the blue again – and I still can’t figure out why they are dressing like The Monkees.
But despite their dubious choice in clothes, they warn her that vampires are behind all the chaos and fires she sees on TV right now. If she only knew it was really Bill as the mastermind behind it all…
Until next week,