Well – I will say this. True Blood and Alan Ball (writing his final episode) sure know how to deliver on a season finale. There was only one thing in this episode that I thought would happen (Salome’s death) – and the rest just blew me away. Blew.Me.Away. It was the type of episode where I couldn’t wait to watch it all over again. Let’s get a’recappin’!
We open with Russell lunging towards the Fairy Portal while they barrage him with their fairy balls of light as if he is walking against a huge wind machine. He doesn’t seem affected really one bit, and things aren’t looking too good for the fae until…. Sweet Baby Jesus, Eric!!!! He swoops in so quickly and stakes him so unceremoniously, I didn’t realize what really happened until Russell started to dissolve into his True Death and leave us with the mumbled F bomb. He explodes all over Eric and from afar Steve Newlin sees this and disappears into the night as Eric stands over the Russell-Goo stating, “Well that felt even better than I thought it would”. You know what feels even better? Seeing you back as a badass, Eric! Welcome Back!!!! I do lurrrrrrrve you.
But RIP Russell. You were fantastic, over the top, deliciously evil – standing for nothing but your own deranged pleasure with no ulterior motives other than to get what you want – and everything that a villain on this show should be without all the pomp and circumstance of politics and religion. You were just awfully evil and I enjoyed every last delicious drop of you.
Sookie runs out of the safety of the portal to go check on Jason (who had been blasted by fairy light , hit a tree and fallen to the ground, unconscious in the previous episode). Nora races in to Eric and once she smells Sookie, Eric has to hold her back and command her not to eat her when she asks what Sookie is “What is she?” Eric: “She’s a waitress…who saved my life more than once…who’s fear very graciously brought me here tonight allowing me to settle an ancient debt.” Sookie finally wakes Jason, who now starts seeing their dead parents once he is awake. I’m not so crazy about this little twist.
Back at the Authority, Sam is brought to Bill as his breakfast. His entrance totally cracked me up. Where a big black cloth covered his mouth, nothing other than his hands covered his privates – it’s as if the image was backwards. Bill obviously recognizes Sam right away, and when he goes to attack him when he tells Sam he knows too much, Sam shifts into a fly and Bill bounces around the room trying to catch him. Guess Bill didn’t watch the Karate Kid for pointers on this. Wax on, indeed, Mr Miyagi. Wax on.
Sam comes back to Luna in their naked people-as-food holding cell with a plan (seriously, why are they naked – I can’t even IMAGINE what the casting call on something like this must have been like for all of those extras). He tells her “I have an idea” and she replies “Will it work?”. Uhh, no Luna. It won’t work, Sam is certain of its failure and he couldn’t wait to tell you about it, how great is that? She is SOOOOOOOOO not easy to like sometimes!
We are cruising right along at warp speed in this fantastic episode when we come to an abrupt and unwelcome halt as Bill stands before his entire Vampire-Squad and gives a pontificating, drawling, snoozer of a speech pacing back and forth rallying the troops as if he was Mel Gibson in Braveheart. No one has blue warrior paint on their bodies, but there is a nifty blue couch in the back of the scene. Subtle, TB writers. Well done.
Bill then tells Salome that he killed Chancellor Conchita and slyly tells her that Lilith came to him to let him know that Salome was the Prophet for the New Age – and Salome drinks this all in happily and shakes with religious fervor, too wrapped up in the moment to suspect Bill at all.
At Fangtasia, Nora and Eric discover the place is empty other than Tara who simply tells Eric “They got Pam”. When Nora complains to Eric that he is insane to go back to the Authority to rescue Pam, she wrinkles her nose in disgust and tells him, “She’s a former prostitute” with condensation as if Pam isn’t worth it. Nora, I no longer like you now. Just sayin’. Eric replies that she is his progeny, she’s FAMILY – just like Tara and that she better be nice to Tara. Nora, good luck with that. Tara even looks surprised that someone should be nice to her. Who knew it would take becoming the undead to get the family she always wanted?
The three vampires quickly swoop into Sookie’s living room as she’s trying to figure out if Jason will be ok. Nora still can’t stop staring at her like she’s a Jack-in-the-Box taco at 2 am on a Friday night and Sookie has to tell Eric to make her stop:
Jason is trying to go all Fellowship of the Sun on us again as he envisions his parents telling him to kill all the vampires and hate them. Great. Hopefully that storyline will be quickly dropped next season, because it got old quickly three years ago and it’s unwelcome now. Jason showed us this year he could do a lot of emotions really well to go hand in hand with his cluelessness, and misguided hate doesn’t have to be one of them. His parents are already annoying with all of their chirping in his ear and they need to go away. Why couldn’t it be Gran that we get to see again? Pffft.
Eric tells Sookie they have to go back to the Authority to save Jessica, Bill, and Pam – and Sookie agrees and Jason does as well after he and Eric bicker like children. Hot, action Eric is even more awesome as he genuinely wants to go there to save Bill from himself. That night as Sookie and Jason are in the truck driving to the Authority, Eric pops his head in from the roof and asks them, with tussled hair, to “Pull Over. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease”. Seriously, Eric. Love you. Missed you. Don’t ever not be a badass again.
Alcide and his father are bonding over a deer steak they are grilling after a hunt when Mumblin’ Grandmama Martha comes speeding up with a V’d-out Rikki in the back seat. Martha must have been taking speech classes, because she is able to use her consonants much better now!! Good for her! JD had force fed V to all the wolves, and she needs help now to keep Rikki from dying from an overdose. They give her silver to bring the vampire blood to the surface, and Rikki kinda looks like she is following the Lilith beauty routine now as she is covered in blood. Alcide’s dad tells him the only way he can truly fight JD is with a little V help himself, and he happens to have some really good stuff saved he keeps “for special occasions. Just like this one”. Well ok. I have some good wine saved for a special occasion, maybe a pretty dress, he has vampire blood. To each his own. Alcide promptly overtakes and kills JD the next night, and as new Packmaster, declares that the V drinking and abuse is over under his rule. Martha helps keep the other wolves at bay during the fight not with a gun or anything, but with a super -sized cross bow. Of course she does.
At Merlotte’s, Lafayette serves Holly and Arlene some fantastic margaritas which makes Holly declare, “Oh My Goddess!” because they are made with a heavy dose of Lala awesomeness. I would like that recipe, please!
They are gonna need a strong drink to help them all get through what happens next as Andy comes in to tell Holly about his baby-mama, Mirella (with the fairy in tow) ready to give birth unbeknownst to Andy. What makes this all the better, is ole town drunk Jane Bodehouse is here to witness all of this too, in her saucy glory. She does exclaim, “When did Andy Bellefleur get to be so…hot?” No kidding! He has joined the True Blood Stud Club quite nicely! And we have missed you Jane! I guess your finger healed nicely after that unfortunate knife incident when you were under the spell of Maryann, the Maenad.
As Holly prepares herself to be let down just as she always has by a man before “Who was it and how many times?” – she realizes quickly that this really isn’t the same type of disappointment with another woman because “her kind don’t whelp in hospitals” – and her light, not her water, breaks. What I noticed in this scene was Andy tells her he first slept (in the field) with Mirella two weeks prior. Doesn’t that seem like forever ago?? Especially since that happened at the end of last season?
Soon, Mirella is having the most…. ahem… pleasurable and ANNOYING birth ever (her 73rd time giving birth). I don’t understand why most fairies have to be so grating, but they are. (And I guess now that I think about it, Sookie is pretty annoying a lot of the time, too). Her scene isn’t what was the best – it was the Lafayette’s reaction that was awesome
Mirella not only gave birth once, but four times, and left Andy with the babies telling him, “Take good care of them. You sired them, now it is your sacred duty to see at least half of them survive into adulthood… Farewell, Andy Bellefleur.” And she just simply leaves. That’s almost a stronger example for why NOT to cheat than Glenn Close’s psychotic character in Fatal Attraction!
Back at the Authority when what looks like Steve Newlin comes in to take Emma for a walk, he is quickly sidetracked by a royally ticked off Rosalyn who needs him to quickly go on TV and refute the video that has been released of the massacre of the frat boys. This is the best scene she’s had all season dripping in all of her chicken fried anger when she seethes, “You better sell the (bleep) out of this Preacher Man!” She tries to coach ‘Steve’ as he is put on camera on a CNN-type show, and behind the camera she looks like one of those stage moms on Toddlers and Tiaras coaching those poor little girls on stage during their routines:
Soon Steve literally loses it – loses himself, and Luna emerges out of his body from Skinwalking. We cut to Lafayette and Jane watching this TV program from Merlotte’s and Lala sums it up perfectly when he says “I didn’t see that (bleep) comin’”. I totally understand. That’s how I felt about this entire episode and it was FANSTASTIC. Luna quickly reveals the Authority and its location while the camera is still on her before Ros knocks it over and comes at her. Oh, but trusty ole Sam flies into her mouth – as the fly – and literally explodes her body into pieces of True Death and he bursts out covered in her blood. Naked. Again. And as before, I will state that I will never get to write another crazy sentence like that again. Well – at least until next season.
Two things, y’all. One – did ANYONE see any of that coming? Who thinks of this stuff? What an amazing job that must be! And Two– Sam needs to get a special award at the Emmy’s or Golden Globes or something this year for being naked in pretty much every single scene he was in this season . And doing a damn fine job of it too.
Luna quickly collapses and I am left sincerely hoping next season won’t be like a Very Special Full House episode with Andy and his quadruplets and Sam possibly taking care of Emma. We got rid of that child actor already, don’t need any more.
When Eric and crew arrive at the Authority under the pretense that Sookie, Jason, and Tara are prisoners, they are allowed in and Bill witnesses this in all on his fancy-schmancy laptop video knowing better. Tara jams the security video and as they exit the elevator, Jason quickly shoots Chelsea, the front desk vamp, after she initiates the alarm, and he swiftly kills many vampires that come out. Eric and Nora hover above the Authority squad like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, and after their kill, they soon are arguing over the computer system in the control room. She has to keep batting his hand away while he interferes and tries to tell her what to do even though she actually knows what she is doing, and it cracks me up because it’s just like when I try to help my mom with her computer – and she tries to give suggestions back (Love you, mom!)
Sookie and Tara quickly save Jessica and Pam – and Tara greets Pam with a passionate kiss that makes Jessica say “I KNEW it” with glee. Heartbreakingly, Jason does not greet her the same because he tells her “I cannot love a vampire” and her small, sad gasp breaks your heart. But soon Pam sees Eric and gingerly touches his chest and smiles proudly at him when tenderly says “Hello”, and nothing else is said between them – and nothing else is needed. It is a pure simple moment, and that doesn’t happen often in this show (for examplse of over the top: well – pretty much everything else in this recap).
Alone together, Bill and Salome get ready for her to drink Lilith’s blood to accept The Rapture that is coming and she is the Chosen One. After her umpteenth costume and wig change in the episode (at least she’s wearing clothes), Salome drinks what she believes is Lilith’s blood. Once she is done, Bill slowly looks at up with hooded, evil eyes as she weakens and spits blood because he has tainted the blood with silver. Soon, he stakes her after she realizes what is to come and that he has assumed the role and tells him, “Lilith chose wisely” and he waits as he knows what is coming next: Eric and Sookie.
They rush to him, and despite the powers of Sookie’s Fairy Vagina, and her pleading and tears, Bill is not listening this time. He has succumbed to the “Mad God”, Lilith, and he crazily proceeds to tell them he finally has a reason not to hate himself and he no longer has to “live in fear that God has forsaken me, that I was damned” because Lilith gives vampires freedom. Yep – we called this rationalization a few weeks back, y’all. Bill accepted all this crazy-talk because for the first time he doesn’t have to feel guilty – he feels empowered and righteous.
He reminds her “I told you the first night we met, vampires often turn on those they love the most” and he downs Lilith’s blood as if he was Mean Joe Green with a Coca Cola in the 70s. He quickly starts to bleed and convulse from everywhere – looking like some sad, goth mime (so is the Vampire God now turning on Bill who she loves the most??) and dissipates and explodes into a puddle of True Death. Wait – WHAT???????? All the books flash through my mind (even though this show totally doesn’t follow the books anymore), and I just can’t believe Bill. Is. Gone.
And now it gets serious, y’all. As I am sitting more shocked than I was at the season finale of Vampire Diaries this year (seriously – you should be watching that , too) shrieking “NO WAY! Bill is dead??!?!?” -his blood curdles and he rises up in it, as Lilith had done before:
When Bill roars like a dinosaur from Jurassic Park, Eric yells “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!” – and now, dammit, we have 9 months to wait before we get to do crazy all over again! What about Steve Newlin? What about Hoyt? Will he be coming back? Surely! And this Warlow? Is Bill really Double Dead now? Will he ever be back to normal Bill? So many questions!
I hope y’all enjoyed these recaps as much as I enjoyed writing them. I think this season – despite the overkill of religion, politics, and Mother Lilith and some very bad wigs – turned out to be one of the best- this last episode really was a humdinger and set some really amazing things up for next year. And speaking of that – if you have HBO GO or maybe search for it – there is an extended scene with Jason and the vampires that provide us another tease for next year, too. Definitely check it out!
Thanks Michelle for the great TB recapping this season! Can’t wait until next year!