Well, here we are. A TWO day Bachelor SPECTACULAR!!
Here’s what we saw on day one:
The episode opened with Chris Harrison, laying out the dates for the women. He also announced that it was the start of their “worldwide journey” with Sean…and the journey would be starting in Montana. The girls did their best to act excited, but you can’t tell me they weren’t hoping for Paris.
Sean made a water landing in Montana (were no land runways available? really??), and stated how excited he was to experience the outdoors.
Aren’t normal dates supposed to be about the woman? If a man took me on an outdoors adventure for our first date, he’d be gone. (After he bought me dinner, of course. I’m no fool..I’ll never pass on a free meal).
The women arrived at their cabin and Lindsay got the date card. She cried tears of joy, and Tierra plotted her imminent demise.
Sean arrived, and he and Lindsay boarded a helicopter. The helicopter landed and the two of them enjoyed a picnic in what looked to be very chilly weather. True to form, Sean made a daring fashion choice with a Manfinity scarf. It’s really hard to believe that while he was winding that thing around his neck, he never paused and realized how ridiculous it was.
Later in the day, Lindsay and Sean cozied up by a fire in a cabin. They kissed and shared their deepest hopes and dreams. Boring.
Lindsay got a rose, and Sean then surprised her with a private concert by Sarah Darling. They danced on a platform while the townspeople surrounded them and cheered.
I’ve really had it with these awkward private concerts. Make. It. Stop.
Back at the girl’s cabin, a date card arrived for Selma, Ashley, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robin, and Daniella.
Tierra celebrated the fact that she wouldn’t be on the group date, but I was still wondering why she hasn’t gotten a one on one date yet. Maybe Sean recognizes her crazy more than we think?
Next up was the group date.
Selma arrived ready to read everyone’s fortunes, and AshLee was disguised as Big Foot.
Chris announced that the group date would be a competition. The girls would have to canoe race, move bales of hay, cross cut logs, and milk a goat. And one of the girls would then have to drink the fresh goat milk in order for their team to win.
The losing team would be heading back to the cabin and miss the rest of the date.
And this is where I would be quitting the show. No man is worth downing a glass of fresh squeezed goat milk. I would sooner divorce my husband than drink a fresh glass of goat milk.
Pasteurization exists for a reason, people.
The red team started by paddling their canoe in the wrong direction. I would’ve thought that Selma’s genie hat would guide her, but it obviously lacks real magical power.
The blue team lost their lead at the hay bales, and red quickly caught up with them. It came down to the wire, but Desiree downed the goat milk, sealing a win for Red. If I was Sean, I wouldn’t be kissing her any time soon.
The blue team left, super depressed and sad.
Immediately following, Chris arrived at the girl’s cabin with a date card for the blue team. Sean was unhappy with sending the girls home and wanted them to come back. They celebrated, but the red team didn’t share their sentiment. Desiree realized that there was no point in drinking nasty warm goat milk, and she started questioning the meaning of life.
The blue team arrived, joining the red team, thus spurring a turf war. I seriously kept waiting for someone to pull out a shank.
And in a particularly psychotic moment, Tierra donned a blue team shirt and datebombed Sean. What is the point of even having rules, Bachelor producers?
Sean was surprised, but he also seemed a little annoyed. Tierra began questioning him about the fact that she wasn’t given a one on one date. The conversation was really awkward…she left telling him that she hoped he made the right decision on her two on one date the following day.
Sean returned to his date and spent individual time with the girls. Desiree spent her time pouting that she drank goat milk for no reason. Honestly, if she had any sense she would have realized that no relationship should hinge on drinking goat juice, but whatever. I’m over it and her whining at this point.
Sean and Catherine had some really great alone time together. I like how drama free she is, and that she always seems to be happy with Sean and not whiny about lack of time together.
Daniella went outside to spy on Sean and Catherine’s time together and saw her on his lap. She went and reported it to the other girls and then started crying…what does she think happens with the other girls on dates? Does she think they play Gin Rummy? Has she never watched The Bachelor before?
Daniella then had alone time with Sean, which she spent crying. It worked, and Sean gave her the rose.
Finally it was time for the last date in Montana…the two on one date with Tierra and Jackie. Tierra went into the date very cocky, telling the camera that Jackie had “no idea” what she was dealing with. She then did her evil witch laugh…is it just me, or is she getting uglier with every episode?
The girls joined Sean on a ranch for some horseback riding.
Why does The Bachelor insist on making women risk their lives? First, diseased milk and now this? Do you know what can go wrong when a person climbs aboard an unpredictable animal?
It’s completely irresponsible, if you ask me.
Sean and Jackie then spent some alone time together. Jackie decided to take the opportunity to tell Sean that Tierra had been flirting with a guy at the airport. Sean acted like he was taking the information seriously, but I felt like she just dug her own grave. Doesn’t she know that it NEVER works out for the Bachelor tattletale?
Later in the evening, the three of them got together for an awkward candlelight dinner. The rose sat in the middle of the table, making things even worse.
Sean pulled Tierra aside to talk about his concerns. Tierra immediately turned into another person — vulnerable and delicate and completely different than she behind his back. She told him about a past boyfriend who passed away, and basically blamed all her drama issues on her fear of “getting close and losing someone”.
Obviously, Jackie didn’t stand a chance against that story. They returned to dinner and Sean gave the rose to Tierra. Sean walked Jackie out, where she gave him the standard, “follow your heart” advice. Sean and Tierra then snuggled up and watched fireworks, while “vulnerable” Tierra secretly gloated and cackled to the camera.
Finally it was time for the cocktail party.
Sean had alone time with Desiree and again, she whined about the blue team being invited back on their date. She then questioned him about the women he gave roses to…Tierra in particular. Sean seems pretty defensive about Tierra, like most Bachelors who choose to keep the villain. She left Sean doubting that he wanted to keep her, which wasn’t surprising. Seriously women — the tattletale NEVER WINS. Do your research.
Tierra spent the cocktail party sitting alone. Robin decided to have it out with Tierra. Ashley and Lesley came along for the ride. Apparently Tierra is extremely quiet and introverted when the cameras aren’t on…I wish someone would plant a hidden camera so I could see this for myself. Am I the only one dying of curiosity?
Tierra told the girls that she was over it and she could easily be engaged to any guy if that’s what she wanted.
Tierra then launched into an angry tirade. Something about being a scorpion. As luck would have it, Sean walked by at that exact moment…priceless.
Sean pulled her aside and of course Tierra did an about face. She’s not a drama queen, the girls are attacking her out of jealousy…blah blah blah.
Sean then questioned Lesley about Tierra. Lesley chose her words carefully, telling him that she was very “cold” to the girls in the house. Seriously, Sean…it’s like he needs it spelled out for him.
With all the drama, the girls really started hoping that Sean would take Tierra’s rose away.
Fat chance, girls.
Sean expressed frustration with Chris Harrison. He said he wished that the girls would at least provide some supporting evidence as to why they don’t like Tierra.
Supporting evidence? So on top of drinking unpasturized milk, climbing atop unpredictable animals, riding in death copters, and sharing a man, you want them to get a law degree??
Seriously girls, maybe you need to find a man with lower expectations.
Next was the rose ceremony.
Sean gave roses to:
Robin went home, much to the delight of Tierra.
Tonight’s episode promises more Tierra drama…apparently she almost freezes to death or something. Can’t wait to watch!!