Well girls, here we are…at the point in Bachelor season where we can forgo our individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.
I feel like this season has flown by…for real.
We opened up with Sean in Thailand riding a boat, walking through the jungle, laying on a hammock and sitting in front of water fountains while contemplating the remaining ladies, the pros and cons of each and doing it all in shoes without laces. Impressive.
First date is with Lindsay. They ride in this weird little motorcycle cart to a street market. Here’s where I would bow out. Honestly I can see where this is going from a mile away.
They dismount their scooter-pedi cab to be greeted by neon chicks and vats of fried animal parts.
Of course Sean puts Lindsay on the spot when they walk up to a booth of fried insects. The woman working at the booth tried to plate the bug so it looks appetizing. Fail.
Sean basically love-forces Lindsay into eating the grubs, animal feet and grasshoppers, which she does with a strained smile. Not worth it, honey.
Next, they moved the date to the beach. Where monkeys reside.
Of course I know I am a big baby, but I am not a fan of monkeys so much. They are one drum away from Monkey Shines.
Making out in the water followed, while monkeys looked on.
Dinner was set up in the middle of a fire hazard. Honestly there must have been 4,000 candles.
The talk centered around her moving to Dallas, how their life would be together and loads of eyebrow waggling.
And after much deliberation Lindsay was about to tell Sean she loved him, only to be interrupted by a Thai dancing troupe.
After their invisible dinner they get the card with the Fantasy Suite option. She accepted. And FINALLY told Sean she loves him. Geez, all that dang build up.
Luckily the moving instrumental that followed made it all worthwhile. Yeah…
Next up we have Sean’s date with AshLee…
They got on a rustic little boat which took them over to some island caves. Sean tells us that he wants to make sure that AshLee’s OCD won’t be a problem in the long run, so he decides to test her.
Sean does a lot of testing…doncha think? The roller derby, the bug eating, the rock climbing…
Anyhow, I just don’t see why they have to do such outrageous things. Like maybe see how she likes her coffee, or if she’s a good checkbook balancer. I think those sorts of things might come up a little more in a relationship, rather than scaling a mountain or crunching grasshoppers. But, no one asks me…
It just seems like if she said no, she won’t go cave exploring he will tell her sayonara. Kinda seems like bullying, you know?
Again, no one asked me.
They go swimming into the cave, which was apparently the only way to get to the “secluded beach”.
Luckily they made it. Phew.
Later on, they ate more invisible dinner (I am assuming they made it off the secluded beach) and counted the minutes until the Fantasy Suite card comes…Sean makes it clear that there will be no funny business in the Suite, which relieves AshLee, because she wants everyone to know she’s not that kind of girl. Of course she accepts.
THEN, like the true control freak she is, she tells Sean the exact cut, setting and sizing of her engagement ring. This girl. Enough with the cave swimming, she’s ready to take the bull by the horns.
I am just a little nervous for Sean if they end up together…what if the towels aren’t completely lined up and symmetrical? What if someone messes up her ribbon drawer? What if Sean rearranges the soup cans in the cabinet? This could end badly y’all.
Also, THISMAN, THISMAN, THISMAN, THISMAN, THISMANNNNNNN.
His name is Sean, AshLee. Just sayin.
Finally it’s Catherine’s turn.
Sean takes her on a boat trip. Catherine tells Sean that she was super upset about how her sisters reacted to the Hometown visits. She told Sean that her sisters are jealous-ish of her and she really confides mainly in her best friend who’s married? I have no idea.
She tells Sean she’s ready to make the move to Dallas because she’s “expired” Seattle and all it has to offer.
You guys…I really WANT to like Catherine the best, because she seems sweet and real…but I’m just not sure if she’s the best for Sean?
At dinner Catherine lets Sean know her 5 year plan and he tells her that he can see himself marrying her. She then tells him that she is not comfortable with the whole Fantasy Suite situation…but has decided that she will give up looking like a “lady” and take that Fantasy Suite card.
She then calls him beefy and tells him she is really insecure. He squashed that by reminding her she is “smokin’ hot” and I cry. I did. What is the MATTER with me?
Next up Sean meets with Chris Harrison and lets him know that he already knows who he is going to send home and knows how hard the rose ceremony is going to be. However I couldn’t hardly focus on his words, as I was being blinded by the whiteness of his teeth.
Each of the ladies shared a personal video message that he watched as they all arrived to the ceremony.
Of all the videos, AshLee’s was the most emotional…and I could tell as Sean was watching it that this might not end so well for our resident organizer.
And as I predicted after the longest awkward pause in Bachelor history, AshLee doesn’t get a rose.
She shoots daggers out of her eyes at him for a good 10 seconds before making a move.
Man, that sucked.
She literally doesn’t speak to him as she gets in the car to leave. Like literally not a word.
Next week is The Women Tell All. I CAN. NOT. WAIT.
Is Tierra gonna show?