Episode 1 opened up with Desiree pulling up to her Bachelorette Pad in a little sedan. Really, Chris Harrison? No Limo??? Perhaps the producers blew the transportation budget on business-casual button downs for Chris?
That was mean. But seriously — does he own any other kind of shirt? T-Shirts, Chris. They’re a whole big thing.
Of course, we had to watch flashbacks of Desiree’s tragic ending with Sean. Am I the only one dying to know if she’s still talking to that jerky brother of hers? We all know it’s his fault she lost.
After taking a tour of the house, Chris handed Desiree the keys to a convertible and left. Desiree hopped in and took a drive along the coast. Somewhere along her travels, she ended up stopping to rollerskate in a bikini and pink cowboy hat, wearing heart shaped sunglasses, and sketching on the beach. Does she realize how WEIRD that is? If I went out for an afternoon and came home and told my husband I went rollerskating in a bikini and cowboy hat, he would probably have me committed.
Next up was time for Desiree’s heart to heart with Chris. He squintily (it’s called sunglasses, Chris. SUNGLASSES!!) asked her how she felt about kissing the bachelors. It came across as very voyeuristic and creepy Uncle-ish, if you ask me. I mean really…is she going to kiss the men?? We ALLLL know the answer to that one.
Finally it was time for Desiree to meet the men.
Chris opened up with video clips of some of the men we would be meeting. First was Bryden, an Iraq was vet from Montana. He’s cute, seems to be pretty normal and stable, and I think he might go pretty far.
Will — a banker from Chicago who enjoys yoga. He seemed friendly enough and was in awesome shape, but he was a little high strung for me.
Drew — a digital marketer from Arizona. Divorced parents, alchoholic dad, and mentally handicapped sister. He seemed genuine and kind, but he might be a little too much of a softie. We’ll see.
Nick R — a tailor/magician from Chicago. NOT A CHANCE IN YOU-KNOW-WHERE. The guy looked slick, and not in a good way. In an oily, ingenuine, cheesey way. Not a fan. Also, is being a tailor still a thing? Aren’t there computers to do that now? I thought tailors went by the wayside with candlestick makers, but what do I know.
Zak W — a drilling fluid engineer. He loves being nude. And he loves himself.
Robert — entrepreneur from Los Angeles. He invented sign spinning. I didn’t know you could invent a verb, but apparently he did. He seems nice, but I don’t see him winning. Also, he kinda looks like Liam Hemsworth but not as cute.
Mike — a dental student from Dallas. Born and raised in London and his whole family is British. Not sure why, but I don’t really care for him. Don’t see him winning either.
Brandon — a painting contractor who loves the outdoors. Dad left when he was young and his mom struggled with addiction. He has a compelling story and seems pretty sincere. I think he’ll go far.
Finally it was time for Desiree to meet the men.
Drew was the first one out of the limo. He and Desiree seemed to hit it off. He was extremely nervous, which was kind of cute. Next was Brooks, a marketing consultant with longish gelled hair. Not my favorite.
He was followed by accountant Brad, who came bearing a wishbone, Bryden, the Iraq war veteran, Michael, a federal prosecutor who dove in the fountain to find Desiree’s old penny from Sean’s season (awkward), Kasey, an advertising executive who came bearing hashtags (ugh), Will the banker who nicknamed Desiree “Athena” and asked for a nickname in return, and Mikey T, a plumbing contractor who addressed the Desiree brother situation. I kind of liked him, but I think he’ll end up being a bit too “Boston” for her.
Jonathan, a lawyer who brought a fantasy suite note and key. He was cute but maybe a bit too intense.
Zak W (AKA Mr. Naked) who showed up shirtless, asking her to accept his abs. TOO MUCH.
James, an advertising executive from Chicago. Super sweet but maybe too slick. He fit the business man mold to a T.
Larry, an ER doctor who taught Desiree a dance move and managed to mess up Desiree’s dress. It was extremely awkward.
Nick, the tailor/magician. He did a magic trick. Obvi.
Zack, a book publisher wearing Converse with his tux. Seemed nice.
Diogo, a ski resort manager who showed up in a knight costume. Awkward and isn’t going to even come CLOSE to winning.
Chris, a mortgage broker. Tall, kinda geeky. He did a proposal joke that was kind of cute.
Mike R, the dental student. He put on his white medical jacket and tried to pretend like he was a doctor. Annoying
Robert, the sign spinning inventor.
Juan Pavlo, a star soccer player. They spent their time together learning how to pronounce his name. He’s kinda picky about it.
Brandon, the painting contractor. He drove up on his motorcycle, which I guess was supposed to be impressive. Meh. I’m more of a car girl.
Bryan, a financial advisor who was wearing a velvet jacket. Seemed nice, but I’m not a fan of men in velvet.
Micah a law student wearing an eclectic suit he designed himself.
Nick M, an investment banker. He read a poem he had written.
Dan, a beverage sales director.
Ben, an entrepreneur from Dallas who brought his little boy. I seriously died from adorable. I think Ben will go far, he was tall, cute, and genuine.
Finally, the party started. The magician kicked off the party by being obnoxious. Of course. He beat everyone to talking to Des first, and noone was very happy about it. Brandon, the painting contractor interrupted them, leaving Mr. Magic devastated without a rose. He and Desiree had a really good conversation.
Desiree and Ben (the dad) had a really good conversation and seemed to have tons in common. She definitely found him to be husband material, and rewarded him with the first rose of the night.
The first rose being awarded got the men antsy, and they spent the evening doing whatever they could to get Desiree’s attention. Of course, Mr. Naked stripped to his underwear and dove into the pool. She’ll keep him around for the man candy, but he has zero chance of winning.
Am I the only one wondering if he had a change of underwear handy so he didn’t have to wear wet undies with his pants?
Desiree awarded him with a rose.
Bryden and Desiree shared a pretty good conversation. He was awarded the third rose of the evening.
After the conversation with Bryden, things started to pick up a bit. The men were getting increasingly frantic (is it just me or is testosterone, alcohol, and vying for a woman’s affections a bit of a dangerous cocktail?) and were all fighting for attention.
Drew got a rose, which wasn’t surprising. So far all the good guys are pretty obvious. And there aren’t many.
Desiree and Larry (the ER doctor who dances) had a very awkward conversation. Not to alarm anyone, but he kinda reminds me of a serial killer.
Following up Larry the serial killer was Jonathan, serial killer #2. He tried to get Desiree into a makeshift “fantasy suite” and succeeded in making her extremely uncomfortable. Was he patted down for weapons prior to the show? Was he searched for hair and skin trophies? I was completely creeped out.
Thankfully, Desiree realized that this was headed for nowhere but the bottom of a deep well. She sent him home.
Finally it was time for roses.
Roses were awarded to:
The other guys (most notably the serial killer ER doctor, the fake doctor dental student, and the tailor/magician) were sent packing.
This season of The Bachelorette looks interesting. Lots of fighting (LITERALLY) and it seems like Ben might end up being the villain, which makes me sad. Mad drama all around, and I’ll love every bit of it.
Thoughts? Winner predictions?