Chris Harrison arrived with a date card. Ben was immediately apprehensive because he “has a target on his back” which is code for “I’m a giant jerk who will hang around just long enough for ratings”.
Am I the only one super disappointed that he is this year’s villain? His son is so adorable!!
Anyways. Chris, wearing his finest plaid shirt, dropped off the date card and hastily made his exit. I think ABC limits his hours because of child labor laws?
He’s a little short. Just saying.
The date card was addressed to Chris, Bryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K, and Ben.
The men arrived at the date, which was going to be a game of dodge ball.
Have I mentioned that dodge ball was my least favorite game in gym class? Sorry Desiree, not worth it.
The men started practicing. I’m fairly certain that some of them were aiming below the belt, but I obviously have no proof.
Chris showed up and dropped the bomb — the men would be dividing into teams and playing against each other in a winner takes all match.
The men changed into official uniforms and were brought to an outdoor mall where they would be playing in public.
WHAT does this have to do with marriage, again? Because if my relationship with my husband hinged on my dodge ball playing abilities…we’d be divorced by now.
The men began dodge ball fighting for Desiree’s honor. The phrase, “balls were whizzing by my face” was uttered, and it took every fiber of my being to not yell, “that’s what she said”. Because I am twelve.
At the beginning of the tiebreaker round, Brooks managed to do something that I thought only I could manage — he hurt his finger while bending over to pick up a ball.
I am not even kidding.
The medics were called and Desiree was concerned because of the pain all over his face. But alas, marriage is on the line, so the game went on.
The blue team ended up pulling off a win, and the red team fought back tears. Nothing worse than a man crying in a losery dodge ball uniform.
Desiree took pity on the losers and let them all come to the party. And that is exactly what is wrong with the youth of today — no one loses anymore.
Meanwhile, Brook’s situation escalated from a broken finger, to a trip to the ER hooked up to oxygen. Somehow, while his finger was being realigned, he passed out and had to be hospitalized. Drama queen.
Not one to let things like brushes with death interfere, Des was busy partying down with the other men.
During the date, Brad pulled her aside to tell her that he has a 3 year old son he is raising on his own. He seemed like a genuine guy and the conversation went pretty well.
Back at the mansion, the next date card arrived addressed to Casey. The other men were less than thrilled.
On the group date, Chris found a spot on top of the roof and took Des with him. He was pretty desperate for some alone time, and was doing whatever her could to get her attention.
Brooks finally arrived to the party, still in his dodge ball uniform, and long hair flowing over his headband. I think he might have burred the look from Olivia Newton Johan circa Let’s Get Physical. He spent some alone time with Des and they kissed, which was slightly disturbing. But a broken finger wasn’t enough to seal the deal, and Chris was awarded the group date rose and extra time alone with Des.
They went off and danced to a private concert. Can we just make the private concerts stop?? SO AWKWARD.
The other men were privy to the show, and watched the dancing and kissing under the stars. AAAAANNND most awkward situation in the whole land is complete.
The next morning, Desiree sat down to do some journaling in her skinny jeans, when she got a call from Chris Harrison. He informed her that he had some “bizarre news” and he wanted her to get over to the house to have a conversation with the man in question.
Desiree arrived at the house, and Kasey was super excited, thinking their date was starting. She told him she had some things to take care of, and pulled Brian aside to talk outside. She questioned him about his motives for being on the show, and asked him about past relationships. He assured her that all was well and there was nothing to tell her.
And then the girlfriend walked in with Chris “pot stirrer” Harrison. Honestly, the man was about to wet his chinos.
The men in the house ran to the window to watch the fireworks while Bryan’s girlfriend confronted him.
Bryan was obviously uncomfortable, but he was also obviously lying. She said they were together the day before he left, he said he hadn’t…whatever the truth was, the man is bad news.
She also started yelling “YOU’RE A DECEITFUL PIG” over and over, which was OBVIOUSLY not rehearsed. You know…because we say that all the time in real life.
Des wasn’t having any of the cray, and sent Cheaty McCheaterson home.
Of course, the men in the house were indignant. They left behind things at home to be here!! They are here to find a wife!! How DARE someone not be here for “the right reasons???” But on the real, you could tell they were kind of loving the man drama.
Desiree and Kasey left for their date, and Kasey was feeling the pressure to make up for Brian’s shortcomings.
The drama proved to be a tipping point for Brandon, who started crying. Whether it was Brian’s departure, ,or the fact that Desiree was on a date with another man, I am not sure. But either way, the man tears were a fallin.
The next date card arrived, and it was addressed to Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden and Zack W.
Back on the date, Kasey and Desiree discovered they would be dancing on the side of a building.
In the air.
Strapped to cables.
Worst. Date. Ever.
They did a bit of training, threw out the usual awkward and cheesy “this date is like…” phrases, and tried their hardest to pretend like this date actually served a purpose other than making fools of themselves in the name of our entertainment.
Des was in a bad mood. The drama with Brian earlier had apparently taken quite an emotional toll on her, which I found to be fairly ridiculous. She barely knew the dude. Is she really that bothered?
While she and Kasey sat down to enjoy and outdoor dinner, the outside wind started blowing like crazy. Candles were flying, things were tipping over, and I’m pretty sure Kasey was anxiosly watching the date rose in case it went airborne. They decided to salvage the date by jumping in the pool, which is the worst decision to make when it’s cold and windy out. They left the pool and sat on the steps in robes. Desiree awarded him a rose out of sheer guilt, and Kasey happily accepted.
Next up was the group date. The men were brought to a stagecoach and a fake western town. Desiree was dressed like a saloon girl, and informed the men that they would be learning to do stunts. The men went and got decked out in cowboy gear and started practicing.
The men were then challenged to a stunt competition. Whoever did the best job would be awarded special time alone with Desiree at the end of the date.
Juan Pablo and his smooth Latino moves won the competition and got the extra one on one time with Desiree.
The two of them had popcorn and watched a private screening of the Lone Ranger.
The date ended with a kiss and she actually called him “sensual”.
SENNSUALLLL. I can’t even.
After the movie date, Desiree and the men met for drinks.
Desiree and Bryden had a bit of awkward alone time together. He’s a nice guy with a cute face, but I’m having trouble getting past the Dumb and Dumber haircut.
Then Desiree and Zak had some alone time together. I actually liked him better than I thought I would on the first episode when he was Mr. Naked.
After that, Desiree and James had a good conversation. He’s good looking and seems pretty great too. Surprisingly, there actually mgith be a couple of decent men to choose from.
After James revealed that his dad is sick and he’s having to sacrifice time with him to be on the show, Desiree gave him to rose to reassure him that he wasn’t wasting his time.
The next day, Chris Harrison showed up at the men’s mansion to inform them that the cocktail party was cancelled. There would be an afternoon pool party, and a rose ceremony later that evening.
Is it just me, or do the cocktail parties seem to be going by the wayside?
Desiree arrived for the pool party, and Ben quickly intercepted her in the driveway.
Someone tell that man to stop shopping at Forever 21.
He asked her to go for a quick drive, where he talked about his son some more. Blah blah, so close to my heart, blah blah, I really opened up to you…It’s obvious that he’s no stranger to the “use the child as a female magnet” game.
The party got into full swing, and Desiree spent one on one time with the men.
The men tried to give Ben an opportunity to come clean about going for a drive with Des, but no dice. He was sneaky and dishonest and succeeded in making them men dislike him more than they do already.
Brandon pulled Des aside for some alone time and was super intense. He told her he was in love with her, kinda sorta forced a kiss, and said that they are ment to be.
Finally it was time for the rose ceremony.
Roses were given to:
Dan and Brandon the cry baby were sent packing.
Of course, Brandon was devastated and Desiree had to give him the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.
Brandon, she’s lying. It’s you, dude. Too much, too soon my friend.
Next week’s episode promises lots of Ben drama. Can’t wait!!