So is anyone really on board with this season?
Are we invested yet?
I have to say…it’s not my favorite.
I want a better villian…Ben’s not cutting it. I want less use of the word “hopeful” and more use of the word “drama”…
The episode opens to CH getting his contractual face time. Declaring in his fully plaid, cuffed shirt that there will be 3 dates this week. Duh.
BUT there will be something different this week…the men are going to Atlantic City.
Look, I LIVE in NJ. But aren’t these dates supposed to be fantastical? Is AC fantasical?
It sorta seems like a place where dreams go to die, not begin.
Now, I know I will get backlash on this..Jersey Shore..Hurricane Sandy…I get it. I lived it. But this is The Bachelorette y’all. FANTASICAL! EXOTIC! That’s what I’m looking for.
All the men act excited to get to the Jersey Shore…in the winter. Mmmkay.
The first one on one date card goes to Brad, who I know not.
I vaguely remember Brad has a kid, and also looks like his face is a Ken doll.
Des picks him up and they do boardwalky things. Brad admits that he’s never had saltwater taffy and then I think he might actually BE a doll. Who hasn’t had salt water taffy? I’ll answer that for you…only a plastic fake person.
Later that afternoon they sit on a sand castle castle for 3 minutes they decided to move on. Good times.
Dinner. Where the real connections are made. Because at this point, it’s not looking good for Brad.
At dinner, they awkward talk about pet-peeves and sit in uncomfortable silence after Brad tells Des he doesn’t like chatterbox people. Hmmm…
Also I have never seen people sit so straight in all my life.
Des takes him up to the top of the lighthouse where she lets him down easily. I would be pissed if I had to walk up 500 steps to NOT GET A ROSE!
Long walk down, homes. I’d cry too.
The group date card comes next and says, “I am looking for Mr. Right”…
At about this point in the episode I start to wonder where Juan Pablo is.
Because, well, he’s hot.
And I am bored.
“Brooks, Bryden, Zach K (my second favorite), #Kasey, Drew, JUAN PABLO, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael and Chris.” are going on the date.
Des meets the men and CH (along with a woman in a crown) and informs them they will competing in a “Mr. America Pageant”
Michael G then, in his recorded interview, states that he, as a child, always dreamed of becoming Mr. America. WAIT WHAT?!?!?!?
I really don’t like Michael G much, especially with his over-reaction to Ben’s every move… but now…
Most boys imagine being a fireman, or a policeman… not Mr. America. I’m wondering if he’s on the right show.. ahem.
Also, I am pleased to see that someone has helped Bryden with his hair. Much better, Bry.
And I’m just gonna point out that when the pagaent-helper-guy, Christopher Dean came on stage, I saw Michael G’s eyes light up. Again…ahem.
They were told they needed to have a talent…
So Juan Pablo pulled off the impossible and made baton twirling look like the hottest thing ever.
Juan PABLO needs a one on one date where talking isn’t required. AHEMMMMM.
Naked guy, Zak also tells us he wrote a song. So I canNOT wait to hear that.
Original music by Bachelor contestants is basically the best thing ever.
Only bested when they play guitar along with their original song.
And then Christopher Dean tells them that there will be a swim suit competition as well.
You know where my mind went? JUAN PABLOOOOO.
I need help.
The Pageant is being held in front of a live AC audience, which makes the humiliation all the grander.
The interview portion of the competition is up first and Kasey is the first one up. I hope he answers he in all #hashtags.
I was disappointed.
All the interviews were boringgggg. The men answered them all very seriously, trying to let her know they are here for the RIGHT REASONS!
The talent portion was next and seriously Mikey stripper danced, and did upside-down push ups. Worst idea ever.
Brooks played the ukelele.
Kasey tap danced.
Ben manically twirled ribbons.
Drew recited Shakespeare.
The guy whose name I don’t know wore high heels and hula hooped. Is it Chris?
Bryden stripper danced and thrusted his pelvic area in the air, which was completely sick. Also, remarkably inappropriate and not well thought out, as the Mayor of AC had prime visual to the thrusting.
Zak sings WITH A GUITAR and does his best serious-song writer performance. And I am actually angry that it’s kinda good. Ugh.
Next up the swimsuit comp.
Hold the presses, Drew has some sneaky-hot abs! Where did THOSE come from?
Meathead Mikey peck popped, which no woman thinks is hot.
And why did JUAN PABLO GET EDITED OUT?! Does ABC not know what the people want?!
The winners are announced: 2nd runner up: Brooks, 1st runner up: Zak W and the winner crowned Mr. America: KASEY! Which was sort of a #shocker!
After the Pageant, they had a cocktail/pool party.
First up Chris (?) took Des into the pool and told him how he writes poetry. In coffee shops.
Annnnd he wrote her a poem.
Next up when Ben gets his one on one time all the men decide that it’s super rude. Not quite sure why, because everyone else was alone with her, kissing and reciting poetry…
I really wish I knew what it was about Ben that the men don’t like? What aren’t we seeing?
Also, Zak is able to finish the song that he sang on stage earlier n the day. Luckily his gee-tar was standing by.
I guess she liked the song and gives Zak the rose!
Meanwhile back at the hotel James is taking a bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries in preparation for his one on one date the next day.
I would like to call him a name that rhymes with Smoosh right now, but I don’t want to offend.
His date card arrives, though and says, “Can our love weather the storm?”
Des tells us that the date won’t be over the top, as the helicopter awaits.
Des and James are going to fly over the shore and learn about the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.
Everyone is moved.
They end up giving their date to a couple who was especially affected by the storm.
Good deeds all around.
Des and James ended up at a corner pizza place, no candles, no plush pillows to be found.
James opens up and lets Des know he is a big old cheater. Des let’s him know that ain’t nobody got time for a cheater.
Not sure if she’ll be able to move past his cheating past…she didn’t seem pleased.
Finally the deserving couple gets to enjoy a performance by Hootie, and now I understand why Des gave their date away.
James gets a rose despite his cheating ways.
Finally the rose ceremony.
She pulls Michael aside and he decides that he needs to play the alphabet game as an anagram for her initials.
She seemed to think it was very cute.
Also, what happened to his thumb? Did I miss that?
Next up Bryden pulls a typical ultimatum move, that never works in Bachelorville.
Claims he is going to leave because he’s not sure “the feelings are there”…which we all know is a big fat lie.
Des talks him into staying. I mean, since he learned how to comb his hair and all.
Doesn’t get a rose: Zach K, which I strongly disagree with. Meathead Mikey got a rose and cute Zach didn’t?? Annoying.
Next week they are going to Munich! And there seems to be some major stuff happening…James is vying to be the next Bachelor…Ben’s a fraud…Michael is an exposer. Love it.