Hometown Dates my Homies!
Since my beloved Juan Pablo is no longer on the show, this recap will be muddled with undertones of disappointment and regret.
Let’s all have a moment for Juan Pablo.
The episode this week opens up in Dallas, Texas with Zak practicing his sketching.
Des meets him and they walk in the park while Zak warns Des that his family is crazy. Unfortunately he didn’t prepare her for all the singing.
Next Zak tells Des about his dream where they melt their faces off and then eat snow. Super romantic stuff y’all.
THEN he pulls up in a Snow Cone truck, which is apparently his FAMILY’S BUSINESS!
HELLO ZAK…LEAD WITH THIS INFORMATION! Hold off on the face melting stories and open with snow cones.
Always open with snow cones.
They pass out snow cones to children and of course Zak wins points for loving kids.
Love Zak. Next Bachelor, people.
They pull up to Zak’s parents house in the Snow Cone Truck and are greeted by his very excited family.
And I loved how his family reacted to the his “limo exit” story. PERFECT.
Then they started singing.
There was that.
But in all honesty Zak and his family are great.
Then Zak gave her a ring and I cried. Because I’m ridiculous.
Next up Drew in Scottsdale, AZ.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on Drew. I love him, Kristan thinks maybe he doesn’t belong on The Bachelorette *ahem.
After a few quick google searches I have surmised that Kristan’s opinion is definitely the majority. The public seems to think that Drew belongs dancing in a cloud of glitter and fabulousness.
Anyhow, I will choose to believe that Drew is in it for the RIGHT REASONS. Meaning, marrying a lady.
Des goes with Drew to pick up his mentally-handicapped sister, Melissa.
His sister is very excited to see Drew and Des and it was really a nice moment.
They get to Drew’s mom’s house and they all seem very nice.
And his dad has a very kind face.
And really that is all.
Next up Chris.
In McMinnville, OR.
And I am hoping he hasn’t written another poem.
Chris takes Des to his Little League field where he used to play.
Seeing Chris play baseball makes him exponentially more attractive. He needs to focus more on the ball playing than the poem writing.
Then they sat on the pitchers mound and had a picnic with enough sunflower seeds to keep the Yankees set for 3 seasons.
Eventually they showed up at Chris’s house…
They asked Des about their wine consumption, their dates and her back alignment.
Turns out Chris’s dad is a chiropractor. So after dinner they did the next obvious thing. A back adjustment.
In his basement office.
Also, I love how he put on his white coat and name tag to crack her back.
Shameless plug anyone?
THEN omg THENNNNN
Chris goes downstairs and his dad ADJUSTED HIS NOSE!!
It might have been the grossest, most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever.
I never ever want to see up someone’s nose, especially when there’s a pin, a balloon and snot involved.
Seriously I almost vomited.
Then his dad said that with his nasal adjustment it will help him in the upcoming weeks.
WHAT? omg HOW? omg, WHATTTTTTT??
Also, Chris’s undershirt was on backwards. Just saying.
Next up Brooks.
Salt Lake City, UT.
Brooks appears in a bright plaid shirt walking up a hill of green grass as ABC plays their sweeping “winners only” soundtrack.
Brooks tell us that he is unsure of how he feels about Des, again.
Des made a list of things to reassure Brooks that she thinks of him often.
She says she pictures a life with Brooks filled with adventure and fun.
Am I missing something here?
Does Brooks seem adventurous? I must have nodded off through that episode.
They show up to Brooks family’s home with Brooks in a chunky sweater a size too small.
Speaking of that…all his clothes seem too small.
Hey Brooks, it’s ok to wear a size large.
Also there are a million people in his family.
So many people they are wearing name tags.
And not on doctor’s jackets.
Like real “Hello My Name Is” name tags.
When Des heads back to LA she needs to consult her brother, Nate. Cue the villian music.
I’m not quite sure why she needs to consult him, except for dramatic effect, because she states that she hasn’t even seem him since her hometown date with Sean. Clearly he doesn’t play a huge part in her day-to-day life.
Nate clearly likes the bad-guy-who-speaks-his-mind role.
Their interaction is ridiculously tense.
Before the rose ceremony she sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she wants a proposal from Brooks.
Is there any reason to continue this show?
If I wanted spoilers I would look on Reality Steve. Honestly, ABC. Way to make me stop caring.
As the men walk into the hotel for the rose ceremony Des’s brother Nate was literally lurking around the corner, watching.
Major creepy, dude.
I fully expected him to pop out of the bushes during the rose ceremony with a machete.
I kinda wish he did, honestly. I mean, anything to mix it up a bit.
Sigh. Where’s Nate when you need him?
Des decided not to give Zak the rose.
I shook my fist at this for sure.
Then gave Des the ring back. It looked expensive, don’t you think?
And then Zak threw the ring out the limo window.
Maybe it wasn’t expensive.
Hello ABC, please choose Zak as the next Bachelor.
Next week it’s the Men Tell All. Can. Not. Wait.