The episode opened with Clare getting ready for her first one on one date with Juan Pablo. Bronzer was being applied, lips were being puckered in the mirror, and I decided that if anyone ever videos me getting ready in the morning, I will have to murder them.
Juan showed up and Clare was hopeful (and wearing a bomber jacket, once again making me confused about California weather) that sparks would fly. JP blindfolded her and they climbed into the car while the other women cried from jealousy.
Clare started talking about how good JP smelled and I have to say, I was curious, but not in a creepy way.
Okay, totally in a creepy way.
They arrived at a place covered in snow. And Christmas trees and snowmen. WHAT?!
Seriously, California IS A MYSTERY.
They sledded and love music was playing and I thought to myself you know…maybe I AM a snow person after all?
Back at Villa de Bitter Betties, Lucy the hippie was naked in the hot tub. Of all the names…my baby has to be named after Naked Hot Tub Girl. Of course.
Juan Pablo and Clare frolicked in the snow, had a half hearted snowball fight, and those carefully coiffed curls fell limp amongst the flying wet snow. They could have given a homegirl a heads up before she spent an hour on her hair, just saying.
Back at the Villa, Kat got the next date card and the other women murdered her with their eyes.
Juan Pablo and Clare hopped in the hot tub and they had deep conversations. Clare told him about dad who passed away and although it should have been a sweet conversation, I couldn’t stop staring at the weird way she was moving her mouth. It’s like she talks all weird and slow and ENUNCIATED around Juan Pablo. Clare — HE UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH.
Regardless, a rose was given, a kiss was exchanged, a random dude showed up and started playing while they awkwardly danced in the SNOW IN THEIR WET SWIMSUITS, and the date was complete.
The next morning at VDBB, Kat was majorly gushing about her date. JP showed up and they headed to where else? An airport.
They got in their PRIVATE JET and changed into electric clothes. Literally, the clothes lit up, confirming that I shop at all the wrong places.
The jet landed and they arrived at a sidewalk lit up like a rainbow (I can’t make this up) and were there to start the electric run in Salt Lake City.
Can I just say…running is the worst date everrrrrrr.
There was lots of run dancing, booty grinding, and lights flashing errwhere. Weird.
Back at VDBB, the Group Date Card arrived addressed to: Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy.
Back on the weird light up date, Juan Pablo and Kat danced on a stage and he gave her a rose and everyone cheered. This is why I would fail at The Bachelor. If someone tried to get me to dance on stage I’d run away crying.
The next morning, the women piled into the limo and headed to the group date. I was looking forward to this one — we all know group dates are where the real fighting happens.
JP met them outside and brought them into a photo shoot. But no ORDINARY photo shoot (is there such a thing as an ordinary photo shoot?), but a photo shoot with dogs. Also the guy in charge had a teal colored goatee and I just need to talk about it. Why was no one talking about the colored beard?
The women had costumes and make up they had to wear for the photos…some were made to look like dogs, some were fire hydrants, and some were in bikinis. You could imagine which women were less than pleased.
And then a couple of the girls were given SIGNS for an outfit.
How is that even legal? Can you make people get naked on television??
Andi the lawyer was given only given a sign to wear and I was like…can’t you arrest someone? What??!!
After Andi had to sit and watch everyone take their awesome photos wearing bikinis and dresses, JP talked her into wearing only the sign, “for the dogs”. Sure…that’s what ALL men say when they want you to get naked.
Then they got naked and held up the signs and did the picture. And it was OMGSUCHABONDINGEXPERIENCE.
Later the group headed out to a rooftop pool/cocktail party (of course), and I immediately started placing bets with myself on how long until Lucy the Hippie got naked.
Cassandra decided that a cocktail party would be the perfect setting for telling Juan that she has a son. Of course, he was thrilled and I couldn’t help but wonder why she was so nervous about it considering he has a kid too? Sometimes people just need to chill.
Next was alone time with Renee and she had FIRST KISS in her sights. She just kept talking to him with her face all pressed up to his and…nothing. Finally she brought up the fact that they hadn’t kissed yet and still….nothing. Then she tried and got the corner of his mouth, convincing herself she left him wanting more. Um no…you didn’t. It was awkward and he knew you wanted to kiss and he didn’t do it. That is never good.
Meanwhile, Victoria was getting sloshed. The other girls tried to have an “intervention” to help her, and I don’t know why. IT’S A COMPETITION, ladies. Hand her drinks, let her hurl all over Juan Pablo and dig her own grave. YOU DON’T HELP THE COMPETITION. That’s the problem with this show. Too many friendsies and slumber parties with people you secretly want to stab in the eye.
Next up was alone time with Nikki. Somehow she conned JP into carrying her (annoying) and they proceeded to have a sweet conversation — she is obviously a frontrunner.
Meanwhile, Hurricane Victoria was getting ready to blow. The other girls were all, “I hope she Juan Pablo doesn’t spend time with her, it won’t be good” and I was like REALLY?? I would be SHOVING her in his direction and popping popcorn.
Victoria started prancing around in her bikini in the cold while Juan and Nikki stared in confusion. She ended up running to the bathroom where she started sobbing on the floor. She wanted to go home because she was disappointed that she didn’t get one on one time with Juan Pablo. You and me both, sister. YOU AND ME BOTH.
Renee went in to comfort her, which we all know is pointless. We’ve been with that girl before — the drunk belligerent sobbing in the bathroom. There’s no comforting that girl. What she needs is a trip to the Waffle House and a full night sleep.
Victoria decided to leave the show, which was a huge event. She was drunk, show producer people had to stop her from running out into the street and I just kept thinking PLEASE MAKE JUAN PABLO SPEND ALONE TIME WITH HER. Do you KNOW how many seasons I’ve watched this show? I deserve it!!
Finally one of the women went to give JP a report on the situation. He went in search of Victoria and found her sobbing in a bathroom stall. He stood outside the door begging in his softest Venezuelan voice while she denied him. How?? How do you deny the soft Venezuelan voice? She is clearly not human.
While I began packing my suitcase to go and comfort him, Juan left her alone to go see the other women. He had sympathy for her and the situation but I had none. Then he gave the rose of the night to Kelly, who basically had the worst costume at the dog photo shoot. After that he left. Victoria was still in the bathroom, the women were kiss-less, but somehow loved him even more.
The next morning, the Villa was abuzz with talk of Victoria’s antics the night before. I’m like dude, have you never seen a drunk girl before? Is it THAT shocking, really??
Meanwhile, Juan went to visit a very embarrassed Victoria. The cameras kept cutting back and forth between the girls having their discussion and JP and Victoria. Juan was obviously trying to navigate his way to a break up and the women were indignant. HE HAS A DAUGHTER. How DARE Victoria??
Um yes, Victoria is 24. On a reality show. And you were expecting….?
Finally JP lowered the boom and Victoria left in tears.
And finally it was time for the Rose Ceremony.
Of course, the women were all scrounging for last minute alone time. I wish I could say that one of them stood out to me so far…but they are all kind of getting on my nerves.
Sharleen the Opera Singer snagged him, which surprised me considering how RUDE she was about getting the First Impression Rose last week. Juan seems to really like her, but so far, I’m not a huge fan.
The next thing I knew, Cassandra was crying on the balcony, holding a photo of her son. Renee went out to comfort and reassure her and I started yelling, “tell her she’s right, she needs to go home to her son!!” I swear…no one really wants to win this game!!
The other women saw her crying and immediately started flipping out wondering what happened. Juan Pablo got wind of the drama and went and found her and reassured her. Then I yelled, “I have a son too, Juan Pablo. I HAVE TWO KIDS!!!”
Finally it was time to pass out the roses. Roses were given to:
Amy L. the reporter went home. She’s cute, but she interviewed JP during their alone time. Newsflash — dudes don’t want to be interviewed.
Chantel went home, she seemed sad but didn’t do anything dumb, so there’s that.
Next week’s episode looks promising — sky diving happens, soccer happens, Juan Pablo happens. And kissing. Lots o’ kissing. And kissing means…the fights begin. GET READY!!