This week leads to the promise of “The Most uncomfortable kiss in Bachelor History”…
So let’s begin…
The one on one date card comes via Chris Harrison in his blue on blue color block shirt.
Cassandra the “mom” gets the first date. “Love is a Wild Ride”.
We are reminded again that Cassandra is a mom and that JP won’t keep her around if he’s not certain about her…because he’s a parent too.
Cut to Juan Pablo parenting (threatening) to take the remote control car away from Camilia so he can force feed her. Just another day as a dad.
Juan Pablo picks up Cassandra in a crazy Jeep that defies the laws of physics and boats as well as drives. JP just drives right into the ocean like he owns the joint.
Cassandra reminds us she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18. She is now 21.
In other news I did a little Google investigating on Cassandra and turns out that her baby daddy is Rodney Stuckey, the popular Detroit Pistons Point Guard. She is a former NBA dancer, so I am assuming that is the connection.
Back at the mansion Elise is telling the story of her mom’s death. For the trillionth time. I know I sound like a jerk, it’s sad, I know. But we heard the story already. I watch The Bachelor to make fun of people and shamelessly judge them, not to feel sorry and sad for them.
JP and Cass pull up in the car/boat to another boat. Of course there are bikinis and boat-jumps involved. It’s a Bachelor tradition. “Taking the leap”…you know.
The end up at JP’s Bachelor Pad. They decide to cook together and Cassandra pretends she eats carbs for the sake of the evening.
They slow dance in the kitchen, which is good because her jeans look a little too tight for any real booty-shaking.
JP decides Cassandra is a great mom after looking at a few pictures and thinks she is muy bonita.
Cassandra gets a rose.
Back at the house the group date card comes, “Let’s Kick It”, it reads and of course..soccer.
Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi , Christie, Lucy and Nikki.
JP warms up on the field before the ladies arrive…and sigh.
First JP makes them do drills, which I thought was kinda mean. There were cones involved and balls flying at the ladies heads. *ahem.
Next up the ladies are divided into 2 teams…and we know it’s about to go down.
Unfortunately there were no yellow cards, or major penalties. All good fun…translation: boring. Sharleen did get a few balls kicked at her, so that was kinda great.
After the game the ladies cleaned up in the locker room for dinner at the field.
Nikki grabs him away for some one on one time. She is clearly a front-runner…and he lets her know that.
Andi gets some one on one time next where they pretend to work at the concession stand. Crank up that deep fryer JP! Instead they go to the back for a quick make-out sesh.
A montage of one on one time convo’s showed us JP’s various “I’m interested” faces. Poor guy. All that information: “I’m adopted”, “My parent’s are divorced”, “I got braces when I was 11″. I couldn’t do it. Brava JP, brava.
Finally Sharleen decided she needed a little one on one time…telling us about all the chemistry they have. Am I mistaken or did she “not really feel it” the first episode? I’m confused about Sharleen. Mucho.
Anyway kissing happened. And do-over kissing. Eww.
The final one on one date card goes to Chelsie and not Elise. Leading to some major disappointment on Elise’s part.
If you guys forgot, Chelsie is the science “educator”.
On the way to the date they half-sing Venezuelan music while dancing the Macharana.
First up he feeds her taquitos and calls that a trust challenge.
And next the bungee jump portion of the date rears it’s ugly head. Since she is a science “educator” and all she fully understands how gravity works.
He best be giving Chelsie the rose after she risks life and limb. Also bungee jumping is not a good idea. Ever. I’m pretty sure not even Juan Pablo could talk me into a death jump.
Later there was dinner. In front of a castle looking building. Turns out it was City Hall in Pasadena. All totally normal.
They have the usual Bachelor date small talk…then the requisite singer/performance.
Back at the house Elise is still stuck on how old Cheslie is. Elise says over and over how she thinks she is too young for JP… meanwhile she says all of this to Cassandra, the 21 year old.
The morning of the rose ceremony Juan decides to stop over and make the ladies breakfast. The girl with the dog (who is still there, btw) completely ignores him. Bad move dog-girl.
JP decides to cancel the cocktail party in lieu of a pool party…which of course leads to chicken fights and “whore” calling.
Kat grabs major one on one time acting wild and crazy, while Sharleen decides that being sad and crying will be her angle.
Sharleen decides to go in for the kiss…and JP put his hand in the way to block it. Awkward and awesome. She calls him a tease, and he basically says, “time and place Sharleen.”
The other ladies played hawk-eye 20 feet away watching it all go down.
Anyhow everyone started to get upset because ALL THE EMOTIONS…
Finally we get to the rose ceremony.
Also SHARLEEN’S DRESS?!? WHAT THE CRAP?
On a side note I seems to always want to call Sharleen Shantel. I don’t know why. Anyway.
No rose: Lucy and Christy. I can’t remember who Christy was, honestly, but I am guessing that “Free Spirit” wasn’t the occupation that JP was looking for in a future step mother. Times are tough for Free Spirits these days.
Also, ABC, I’m calling BS on the “most uncomfortable kiss in Bachelor History”. I am guessing they were talking about the Shantel/Sharleen by the pool kiss…but do we not remember THIS gem, or THIS. You can do better ABC.
Next week it’s SEAN AND CATHERINE’S WEDDING! YAYYYY! Who’s gonna watch? You know I will be