Ladies. ‘Tis the moment we have been waiting months for.
I refuse to say Juan-uary…but still that makes me no less excited.
The first episode, for me, is always the most awkward of the bunch.
All the limo exits…the uncomfortable greetings…and then those women who try and do something to “be remembered”…don’t. just don’t.
Of course we opened up to a montage about JP, and what an amazing dad he is to his daughter Cameeeeelia.
Also soccer, shirtless, familia, shirtless, soccer, shirtless, soccer, shirtless.
Not that I’m complaining.
And I will preface this all by telling you that JP’s appeal knows no limits. I know this because my husband watched the episode with me.
He has NEVER done that before.
Juan Pablo. You speak to America’s soul.
Because we met a million ladies tonight I’m going to break it down to you with MY first impressions of the lot.
Some good. Some not so much.
First out of the limo was Amy L. She is a local news reporter. She was cute and only moderately awkward. She gets a rose.
Cassandra got her hair did by my moms cosmetician circa 1986. She also didn’t think about an opening line. They just stood there staring at each other. Sahriously. Cassandra got a rose. Weird.
Next up Christy. Vavavoom. She wore a white dress, a crown headbandy thing and decided to let her boobs do the talking. It’s a definite strategy. She and her lady parts get a rose.
Christine in the green dress was next. She gave JP a bracelet for Camilia. She made it at home with her bead kit. Bead bracelets aren’t enough, though to win JP’s heart. No rose.
Nikki, the pediatric nurse rounded out the first limo. If you remember her from the opening of the show, she’s the Pediatric Nurse who likes to get REALLY close to the camera. REALLLLY close. She also brought her stethoscope so JP could listen to her heart. Boom Boom. Nikki got a rose.
Also, can I just say that Juan P had a lot of missed cheek kisses tonight. A LOT.
Kat. A dancer. Who doesn’t know salsa. Annoying. Kat gets a rose.
Chantel was next. SHANtel. Not to be pronounced CHANtel. I guess? Muy Bueno. Muy Bueno. Chantel gets a rose.
Victoria in the yellow dress who is from Brazil. She speaks Portuguese. They are going to give each other language lessons later. Gripping entertainment, folks. Victoria gets a rose.
Next Lucy, the free spirit emerges from the limo sans shoes. Then I puked. Also, she wore flowers in her hair just to prove how free spirity she is. Or as Juan Pablo likes to call it, “Happy Camper”. Everyone knows free spirits wear flower crowns. Duh. Also JP wasn’t loving her dirty feet up on his lap. All that aside, she got a rose!
Danielle is next with unfortunate hair. Pretty girl, bad hair. Guess Juan Pablo likes a crunchy curl…she gets a rose.
Then. Oh my Lord. The girl who turns up on the bicycle piano. It was really an unfortunate choice. Also, cobblestones. A few bad chords later she walked into the mansion. Without introducing herself. Turns out her name is Lauren. And Lauren got a rose.
Chelsea arrived next with her hipster glasses and her bunson burner in hand. I guess she’s some sort of “Science Educator”. I’m assuming that doesn’t mean teacher…because otherwise wouldn’t they have just said “teacher”? Also she talks to my JP like he’s 2 1/2 years old. But JP gave her a rose anyhow.
Next up Valerie. I already know I don’t like Valerie because in the opening of the show we got a little background intel on her. She’s apparently one of those girls that other girls don’t like because she’s “so pretty”. So yeah. Also, can I just say, that girls not liking girls because they are pretty ISN’T A THING! Girls don’t like other girls when they SAY THEY ARE SO PRETTY CONSTANTLY. And then also act like major jerk-faces. THAT is why other girls don’t like you. The end. NO ROSE.
Elise. I don’t really remember Elise. But apparently she and JP have lots in common…she gets a rose.
Ok, next up.. Ashley. OHMAHGAH. She SAYS she’s a first grade teacher, but I’m thinking adult phone conversationalist might ACTUALLY be what she does. Her voice needs to go jump off a cliff. Thanks. JP must have felt the same way….no rose.
Next up Clare the pregnant/notreallypregant girl. Not funny. NOT FUNNY. What was the punchline? That you aren’t pregnant? Dumb. Clare got a rose.
Alli the Nanny shows up in her Sambas ready to play soccer. Original Alli. Alli gets a rose.
Amy got out of the limo next. If you don’t remember, Amy was the massage therapist who was filming a porno whilst giving her client a rub-down. It, frankly, was disturbing. The moaning, the the grinding..save it for HBO after dark, Amy.
Also, Amy decided to give JP a massage.. thank GOD there was a massage table on hand. Can I just mention that she rubbed oil all over her hands and then massaged his suit, Way to ruin his suit Amy, No rose for you.
Single mom Renee was up next. And…yeah, she loves the fact that he’s a single dad. Is that the right thing to say? Guess so because Renee got a rose.
Lauren H. was the next victim. My husband called this one from the beginning. If you remember it showed her caressing her old engagement ring. My husband yelled, “Run Juan Pablo…RUN!” He claimed within 2 seconds of seeing her that she was cray. Turns out he was right. ALL THE CRYING!!!! And in the first minute of talking to JP she was already telling him about her former relationship, that she is clearly not over. NO ROSE!
Maggie came out next. She wore red and I love her. Adorable. Not sure that JP knew what to do with the fishing hook, though. NO rose for Maggie. Sad me.
Next, I love dogs, don’t get me wrong, but WHY? WHYYYY? Kelly, the “dog lover” brought her dog, who was decidedly unimpressed with our Juan Pablo. Even still, Kelly and her dog got a rose. Also, does the dog go home now? Does the dog live in the mansion?? ALL THE QUESTIONS!
Lacy, who owns the old folks home was next. She brought him a giant bottle of pills. My husband couldn’t believe JP actually ate whatever it was in the bottle. He’s a little skeptical, that husband of mine. I assured him, that not everyone is trying to kill you. Guess the pills didn’t work, though…no rose.
Alexis from Tampa showed up. She didn’t say anything. No rose for you.
Kylie, the red head in the pink dress hopped out of the limo, hugged JP and basically ran into the mansion.Mmmkay. Also, at the rose ceremony when she thought JP called her name, but he didn’t was so icky. You knew immediately she wasn’t getting a rose. Poor Kylie.
Sharleen, the Opera Singer was next. She seemed very nervous, bless her heart..but is it wrong of me that I rolled my eyes when she said she sang opera? I guess we’ll have to listen to that a little later. I’m a jerk, I know it. Anyhow she got the first impression rose. JP liked her dress and her “mundo”. BUT, she didn’t really seem so into it. It was maybe the most awkward first impression rose acceptance int he history of The Bachelor. Sharleen isn’t vibing JP. She reluctantly accepted, and said, “Thank you, Sir.” Alrighty then. There you go.
And finally Andi, the Assistant DA. JP was clearly impressed. Maybe because he didn’t see THE VIDEO OF HER IN COURT! Seriously, this MUST be the opening to court-themed adult movie..there is no other explanation. I literally died. First off, I don’t even know what she was saying…”The defendant of the prosecution is innocent until the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and proven guilty in this court of law”…and second the OTHER LAWYER. People, I paused and re-wound 4 times. There might have been a little pee. Sorry. I couldn’t even help it. Tell me you paused it on that dude’s face. TELL ME YOU PAUSED IT! Anyhow, Andi got a rose.
This season on The Bachelor looks goooood. Did you SEE the girl in the bathroom stall saying, “Juan Pablo, I hope he DIES???” I mean, come on!
Can’t wait for next week!!