The Bachelor Juan Pablo ~ Episode 5

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor opens up to the murky waters of Vietnam.

Ok kidding, kinda.

Vietnam looks like a spectacular place, until cameras cut to JP taking a river tour.  All I can think about are the critters in that river, ready to crawl up into my nether-regions and take up residency in my abdomen.


Anyhow, let’s talk about the details.  All the dirty ones…


Of course there is the shameless plug of the bayootiful hotel that the girls are shacking up at for the week…

Oohs and ahhs and amazinggggg…


The first date card is waiting in the hotel for the ladies.  “Renee, Are we the right fit?”

Can I answer that for you now?  NO. NO. You aren’t the right fit.


Poor Renee…she seems like the most normal and Jennifer Aniston-y cute of the group…which we all know amounts to nada in Bachelor world.

Also, JP is set to walk the streets of Vietnam to eat weird stuff.

WHY is that a thing?

Eating gross food isn’t a love test.  Otherwise I would have been single forevah.


Juan Pablo pushed Renee around in a bike stroller and she pretends that it is fantastic, while all she wants to be doing is snuggling up and getting some handsy-time.

jpg-and-renee-in-vietnam-1391485239Juan Pablo wants to “blend into the scenery” and act like they belong in Vietnam…which means dress up in costumes. It would be like the Vietnamese coming to America and buying an I Heart NY shirt.  Way to fit in.

Also, JP tells us about 70 hundred times that he needs to see if he and Renee are the right fit…

Just in case you’re wondering they aren’t. STOP ASKING!


Also as the lady is measuring Renee for her “custom-made-fit dress” JP gets his nose all up that business.

juan-pablo-renee-bachelor-w352STEP BACK’s none of your DAMN business!  I bet he would try and look at the scale as she got on too.


After all the shopping and measuring they hop on a boat to have a brewsky.  Renee almost went in for the kiss, but it didn’t happen.

Can anyone say FRIENDZONE?


That night Renee show up her her “custom made fit dress”.  He says her dress looks “cute”…

Also, why is Juan Pablo creeping me OUT????

Especially when he goes, “mmm-HMMM”.

Anyhow, Renee gets a rose…I honestly hope that they can make it work, because Renee seems like the real deal.

Also, no kiss for Renee.  Because he respects her too much?  UMMMM…



The group date card comes back at Shanghai Mansion..Sharleen, Chelsie, Cassandra, Clare, Allie, Andi, Danielle, Kat, Kelly.

“Can you go with the flow?”

The ladies show up in their best tank tops and shorty shorts to float in the river in giant bread baskets.

They have to divide into partners.  Of course, Clare gets to ride with JP since she has no friends.


I’m assuming JP disrespects the heck out of Clare because he seems to take every opportunity to kiss her he can.



JP and the ladies hijack a random Vietnamese person’s home.  They  get to wear cone hats so they can again, fit in.

They head out the garden to work for their food.

Andi starts pouting that she hasn’t had a one on one date yet, which of course garners attention from JP.


That night they have a cocktail party that evening and JP pulls Clare aside for MORE one on one time.

Juan Pablo takes her to his suite and the get into swimsuits in his private pool.


Next JP takes each girl separatey down to the beach, after he had pool sexy-time with Clare.  And of course, more kissing.


I do have to say, though, that these dates must be exhausting for Juan Pablo.  Making random conversation with all the girls…I wonder how long those dates last?



Clare gets a rose.  ANNOYINGGGG.

This is totally the Clare show.

When the ladies arrive back at the hotel Clare decides that she doesn’t want the date to be over.  And now since she knows where JP’s room is, she takes it upon herself to sneak up to his room by herself.

She decides she wants to swim in the ocean at 4:00 am with JP.  Which leads to a major make-out session in the water.  And more?


Nikki’s one on one date card comes…”Nikki, Let’s have a hell of a good time”.

Nikki show up with a headbandy thing on…which JP likes.  He basically says it’s a tie between Clare and Nikki right now.

I’m not loving either of them, so bah.


Juan lets Nikki know they are going to repel into a cave.  Of course she acts scared.  But she decides to do it.  FOR LOVE.

When they get down to the bottom there are scary statues and fake fish eating people all around.

Can’t say it was worth the trip.


Or maybe it was.

That night they had dinner and Nikki says she’s tired.  JP climes in that he is too…BECAUSE OF ALL THE CLARE KISSING. Gross.

Anyway, Nikki gets a rose.


The next night at the cocktail party Juan Pablo tells the women that he has to send home 3 people. Everyone instantly gets nervous.

Clare then decides to make an inappropriate toast, which makes me dislike her even more.


JP does his best to get a little time with everyone.  He pulls Renee aside and lets her know that he doesn’t want her son to be mad at him, which is why he hasn’t kissed her yet.

Somehow I doubt the 8 year old will even be watching The Bachelor.  Renee convinced him it was ok, so they finally kissed.  Thank God.


Next JP pulls Clare aside and told her that he thought it was “weird” that she came up to his room the night before.  He felt this way because he is “too fair”.  I guess that’s one of his weaknesses. “Too Fair”, “Too Hardworking”, “Too organized”..

0Either way I was loving Clare getting dogged.  I’m a horrible person.

UNTIL JP says he thinks it was wrong because HIS DAUGHTER WOULDN’T APPROVE?  Wait what???  Did they do more than what they showed on tv?  Was there off-camera hanky-panky that I don’t know about?

Because while sneaking up to the room is annoying and all, would his daughter mind THAT vs all the other ladies that he’s been kissing?

I’m starting to not enjoy JP using Camilia as a “reason”.  No bueno.

Clare gets pissed and hurt immediately.


I didn’t completely understand the whole situation….Maybe he just thought they went “too far” and was having regrets? AHHH someone help me understand!!


Anyway, no rose:  Danielle, Alli, Kelley.  Not really shocked. But they all seemed like class-acts.


Next week they head to New Zealand…it looks phenom!

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  1. 1
    Kelcie says:

    I thought from the 1st episode that JP was creepy. He stared at EVERY SINGLE ONE of the ladies butts as they walked into the house after meeting him. Ugh, I couldn’t even finish the second episode, JP’s accent stopped being sexy after he said more than 2 sentences. And anyone else notice he is kinda crossed eyed?

  2. 2
    Amy says:

    LOL! I enjoy this weekly bachelor update so much. HA! I was a fan of him on bachelorette but not this time around. The way he talks sometimes creeps me out a tad. Anyone else??

    • 2.1
      Shelly says:

      YES, I never thought so when he only said one or two sentences.. but when he makes noises, like mmm-hmmm and all I get a little skeeved!

  3. 3
    Kristy says:

    I didn’t quite get the Clare thing either, but it seemed like he was trying to make her feel like a whore for sneaking to his room at 4am (and possibly doing it on the beach), but how unfair is that, since he said yes to it! Not that I think she’s not a whore…she def has tendencies. But so is he!

  4. 4
    Rachel says:

    I thought I would really like Juan Pablo- he seemed nice and normal on the Bachelorette. But he drives me CRAZY as the bachelor. Ugh. I can barely listen to him. He never has anything of value to say. Or maybe he just has no idea how to say anything…. Aren’t the girls completely bored by him? Blecckkk. He just wants to make out with everyone.
    And Clare with her gleaming teeth? They definitely did something out in the water. We wouldn’t see waterworks like that otherwise…… Just saying. But he’s a jerk to out it all on her and make her feel bad about it. If she sticks around after that malarkey then they deserve each other.

  5. 5
    Katy says:

    JP is a hypocrite. If what he and Clare did was so wrong, then why did he do it?? So he’s concerned that Clare will come off as a slut to his daughter, but what about him? I was totally on Clare’s side when she said “you could have said no”. She’s right. JP should be more concerned about HIS sleeze-ball behavior.

  6. 6
    Shelley Kruse says:

    I am SO glad to read I am not the only person creeped out by JP. I feel he is totally wormy and he has beady eyes that are too close together. He just seems SO untrustworthy and he has not muttered one interesting word the whole season. Blah.

    The whole time he kept saying “Renee looked so good ON that dress”. I kept screaming “IN that dress Juan Pablo! IN!” So over his accent.

  7. 7
    Kim says:

    #1 – Sad to see Kelly go. Loved her snarky comments.

    #2- Whenever there’s an intense moment he’s always saying “Look at me. LOOK at me. Loooook at meeee.” Creeptastic!

    #3- Awesome review, per usual.

  8. 8
    Jenny Flake says:

    The highlight of the show was for sure Claire getting “talked to” about what happened, lol! I know all of the bachelors kiss everyone, but for some reason it seems like he really is kissing everyone! …and not being very good at hiding it.


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