The Bachelor Juan Pablo — Episode 6

I am just going to come out and admit that I was not looking forward to this episode.  Or any episode remaining this season.

I have not disliked a season more since Bachelor Ben, and even he had more redeeming qualities than Juan Pablo.

I don’t understand…the season seemed so promising.  JP was so adorable!!  What happened?  I think we all found out that a little bit of Juan Pablo goes a long way.  Enough with the cutesy winking and weird “Hmmmm”ing.  You’re skeeving us all out.

So with that disclaimer, here’s the latest episode in a nutshell:

The episode opened in New Zealand.  Although New Zealand is not the first place I think when I think “romance”, it was definitely gorgeous.  The rolling hills, the sheep…I think I’m moving there.  (it would last a week.  We all know this)

The girls arrived at their resort and Clare starts off by telling us that there is a dark cloud hanging over everything.  No Clare…there isn’t.  What’s hanging over everything is the bikini bottom you took off on your last date.  Should’ve left those suckers on.

The first date card arrived and the girls were ANXIOUS.  Andi hasn’t had a group date, Clare is self conscious about her lack of restraint — all the emotions were running high.  Andi got the card, leaving Claire nearly in tears.

Also, who is feeding Clare these puns.? Things might “erupt”?  Dark clouds hanging over things?  Does she live in an illustrated novel?  I’m confused.

Renee and Cassandra had a private “mom” bonding conversation, talking and crying about their kids at home.  I have a feeling this is leading somewhere and it’s nowhere good.

Andi met JP for their “crucial” first date.  Don’t you love how all these girls get temporary amnesia about how this show works?  Everyone’s dates are SO CRUCIAL.


The pair headed out in a speedboat to a place called “The Squeeze”.  The get out in the middle of the river and start squeezing into this tunnel between caves.  Major claustrophobia territory, people.  I felt anxiety just watching.  The finally got to this gorgeous waterfall with steaming water coming out of it.  The two began making out like wild animals and Andi proclaimed it the most romantic date of her life.  Well, no duh.  You mean you don’t you NORMALLY go to secret hot waterfalls in New Zealand on your dates?  Weird.

Later that evening, Andi and JP headed to dinner.  Juan Pablo — stop with the weird MMM-ing!!  Seriously, I cannot handle.

The were sitting in front of a geyser which I thought was weird.  Just doesn’t seem very conducive to eating?  And of course, it wasn’t.  The food was soaked, they were soaked and they had to move.

Back at the resort, the second date card arrived.  It was addressed to Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. Cassandra was bummed because it was her birthday the following day and she was really hoping for one on one time.  Clare faked shock that SHE wasn’t on the date card, meaning she was getting the last one on one date.  Shock, my behind.  It was seriously the fakest thing I’ve seen in awhile.

She actually said, “Eeeeeek!!”.  Like a mouse.  Eeeeeek.

Back on the date, Andi poured her heart out to Juan Pablo about how bad she wanted love in life.  Again, he responded with creepy, “MMMMMmmmmm”s.  If you notice, he never actually SAYS anything.  Just a lot of winking and humming and “what can I say…”s.

After several awkward silences, Juan Pablo gave her a rose.

I’ve decided that how spiders smell with their legs, Juan Pablo talks with his sense of taste.  Because all homeboy does is kiss people 24/7.


The next day was group date time.  The group headed to a picnic in a windy field in a field of cows.  It turned out that they were going to be rolling down hills in giant balls.  Sounds to me like a recipe for vomit.

They did a bunch of rolling, then they headed to Hobbiton where The Hobbit was filmed.  Sharleen was the most excited she’d been all season.  I think we all know who truly has her heart.

The group gathered around the fire for hot drinks and JP pulled Renee aside for alone time.  She told him about her conversation with Cassandra and how much they cried and bonded over missing their babies.  Juan listened, pretended to be interested, but all he really wanted to do was kiss.


Next up was alone time with Nikki.  She had feelings to share and decided that it was the time to do it.  She told Juan Pablo she is falling for him, he stared at her hair and fidgeted and once again I realized, HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING.

They kissed, the end.

Back in the Hobbit Shack, Sharleen isn’t confident about her feelings for Juan Pablo.  He pulls her aside, makes some weird hmmm-ing noises, and starts kissing.  Does it BOTHER these women that he JUST finished kissing someone ELSE??  SO GROSS!!

Sharleen tried to have serious conversation with Juan Pablo, he failed miserably but somehow she convinced herself that he “understood” her.

HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOU, SHARLEEN.  I’d bet money, JP doesn’t even know what a Hobbit is.

Back at the date, JP FINALLY pulls Cassandra aside.  No biggie, she’s only the birthday girl.  They’re acting like he doesn’t know but I don’t believe it for two seconds.

Cassandra pours her heart out to Juan, he sits there and says NOTHING, and finally they join the group where he gives the rose to SHARLEEN.




Juan then pulled Cassandra aside and sent her HOME.  Worst birthday ever.

Has anyone else noticed that Juan Pablo is an incredibly close talker?  Back up a notch or two, JP.

Finally it was time for the Clare/Juan Pablo one on one.  I was not looking forward to this date.  There’s the kind of drama that’s fun to watch (even if it’s awful) and there’s the kind of drama that’s just annoying.  Their drama is the annoying kind.


They talked a bit about their ocean “swim” to clear the air.  Am I the only one assuming that “swim” is a metaphor for something else?  And by assuming, I mean that I know it to be true.

Juan told Clare that he has never held a woman’s hand in front of Camilla.

LIES.  No way.  He acts AWFULLY free with the ladies for someone who is supposedly so conservative.

They kissed (apparently kissing on television is okay), and of course, all was well.  Because that’s how Juan Pablo fixes things.

“How do YOU feel?”  Kiss kiss kiss

“I piss at myself”  Kiss Kiss Kiss

“This girl is GREAT”  Kiss Kiss Kiss

You could basically attach a string to his back and mass produce him at this point.

The two went back to JP’s condo and talked some more. By talking, I mean JP sat there and fiddled with her hair while she talked.

Fact:  If you give a woman enough silence in a conversation, she will end up answering her own questions and walk away convinced you just agreed with everything she said.

Juan brought out some sweat pants and told Clare to get changed.  Of course, she made a big deal (she’s the only girl to wear sweats, obvi) and then he gave her the date rose, amongst lots of exaggerated facial expressions.

At this point, I think they deserve each other.

They kissed a lot and dance a lot and blah blah blah…

The next day was the Rose Ceremony.  The group is getting smaller and smaller, which means these nights are awkwarder and awkwarder.  The women sat with JP over a toast and let’s just say that he’s not good at silences.


Everyone vied for alone time.  Nikki got him first and he wasted no time in making out with her.

Next was Renee.  They talked, he assured her she was safe, that was that.

Kat attempted to make up for lost time with a long conversation about her lack of aggression.  She was pouring her heart out and I just wanted to butt in and tell her to stop wasting her time.  It was painful.  When he’s making out with everyone 24/7 and they still haven’t shared a single kiss, the forecast is NOT good.

Finally it was time for the ceremony.

Since Andi, Clare and Sharleen had roses, there were only 3 to give.  They were given to:




No Kiss Kat was sent home.  I felt bad.

Juan informed the ladies they’d be headed to Miami next week.

The episode looks full of drama.  Sharleen is thinking about LEAVING (there is always that girl), there’s lots of kissing (or course) and there’s a Clare/Nikki fight.  YES!!

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  1. 1
    Mimi says:

    LOL! Kristan, I freakin love you. I look forward to these recaps more than I do the actual episodes! You seriously make my day.

  2. 2
    Shelly says:

    I hear ya kristan! I was so excited when they announced who the bachelor would be and now I’m wondering why I’m even watching the show! Juan Pablo has been such a disappointment! I will probably keep watching but hope to read more of your recaps! Tooooo funny!!!!!

  3. 3
    Lynn says:

    I don’t even watch the show but I love your recaps – you’re a hilarious writer! Thank you!

  4. 4
    Kathy T. says:

    So dang funny and exactly my feelings on this season. I am so disappointed in how things are progressing on the show. The only bright spot is reading your weekly recap……….you are an amazing writer and very funny!!

  5. 5
    Katriel says:

    Yeah….I feel super uncomfortable watching JP as the bachelor.
    But I appreciate the recaps, since I still find myself watching the show every week and have no one to be upset about it with. ;)

  6. 6
    Rachel says:

    I have to tell you how much I love these recaps! They are hysterical and totally on the money! I am so incredibly bugged by Juan Pablo. Worst. Bachelor. Ever. Ugh.

  7. 7
    Becky W says:

    Agreed. Your recaps are much more entertaining than this season of The Bachelor!

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